Thursday 4 December 2008

Handling Arguments

How do you handle an argument - especially with a loved one?

Do you fight to the end?
Never give in?
Give in and stew on it?
Say things you will later regret?
Resent them for not listening?
Resolve the conflict?
Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with it.

In most cases, people have a need to be right so continue with the argument until they "beat the other person into submission".

When two fail to resolve their differences, they generally hold resentment for the other. Resentment often leads to anger because their needs are not being met.

Once people get "steamed up", they will often say hurtful things in order to "win" the argument. Things they will later regret.

What is amazing is how some people demonstrate how they love someone.

Yelling, being hurtful, degrading and being physically violent are funny ways of showing love!

The people they hurt the most are those that are closest to them. They somehow have this belief the loved one will tolerate what they say and do.

What it does in reality is place a large strain on that relationship.

When you hold some form of resentment, you are focusing on what you don't like and how your needs are not being met. Because this is getting all your attention, you then begin to attract similar situations.


The Solution

Two ways of overcoming arguments and disagreements:

1. Let go of the need to be right and look for a solution that is best for your relationship or the family.

Hanging on to the need to be right means you are selfish as you are only thinking of yourself. When you enter a relationship, you now have your partner to consider. Add children, ad you now have to consider them as well.

2. When you have a disagreement with someone, especially if it is someone you love, ask yourself:
"What do I most want right now in this situation?"

Do you want to be at war with this person or do you want to be a friend or be in love with them?

The answer to this will determine what happens thereafter!

If you would like to be at war, go for it. Just be aware of the consequences.

If you want to be a friend or in love them, say something like: "Let's find a solution that suits us both. After all, you are my best friend and I want us to be happy together".

What you say and do impacts on others. Be careful with what you say, think and do.

When you argue or disagree, someone has to break the deadlock. Let it be you.

Not only will you benefit from the result, others will also.

Thursday 20 November 2008

Obituary to Common Sense

I have never done this before. I have included an article that wasn't written by me - in fact, I have no idea who the author is.

What I do know is, this is a very true piece of information. If you have consulted with me, you'll know I'm big on getting back to basics and keeping things simple.

This was sent to me and I feel so strongly about it, I am including it here. It is called ...


Obituary to Common Sense

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 



He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. 



Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge). 



His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 



Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 



Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. 



Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 



Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.



Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone."


I'll bet you have a story or two to tell where common sense has been abandoned. I see it every day - especially with the legal system and custody of children after separation. I also see it with the rights children have been told they have!

As the old saying goes: "The problem with common sense is, it is not that common".

Let us re-invent it.

Let's get back to some basics and let common sense rule. If enough people start doing it, it will eventually be re-born so the majority live by it.


We would love to know your thoughts.

Wednesday 5 November 2008

Describe Yourself

Most people suffer without realizing the reasons "why". They continue with the same thinking wondering why they continue to receive the same result.

I often consult with someone who continually makes bad choices with who they have a relationship with, the job they get or their financial status.

Their thinking, unbeknown to them, determines what they receive.

As an example, allow me to test you on the following:

  1. Are you healthy?
  2. Are you wealthy?
  3. Are you slim/athletic?
  4. Do you see yourself as a good person?
  5. Do you see yourself as old?
  6. Are you honest?

How did you go? How many "Yeses" do you have?

For the questions you answered "Yes" to, now answer the question with a "because ..." at the end. For example, "I am wealthy because ..."

If you have hesitated in answering the question, I would suggest you are not seeing yourself in the said state. This has a great effect on what you achieve.


I was working with a man who wanted to stop gambling. While he was earning $850 a week in wages, he was gambling on average $350 a week. My testing revealed he needed to earn $2,400 a week to feel financially good. He immediately saw why he had the need to gamble.

I asked him: "Are you wealthy?"
"No" he replied. "I just earn enough to get by".

Think about his statement. He's not wealthy and he just earns enough. What is the vision that gives you?

If he does not see himself as wealthy, he must see himself as poor. This is reinforced by the statement "I just earn enough to get by".

If you are not healthy, you must see yourself in terms of sick.
If you are not slim, you must be fat.
If you are not good, you must be bad.
If you see yourself as old, you can't be young.
If you are not honest, you are dishonest.

When you see yourself a certain way, you live to that way. If you see yourself as old, you will feel old. You will lose mobility as you gain aches and pains. If you mix with much younger people, you will begin to feel younger.

Two important points:
(i) what you think is what you get. For example, think about being sick and you will start to feel sick.

(ii) what you think is what you attract. For example:

  • a person who is dishonest will generally mix with others who are dishonest.

  • a positive person is generally drawn to positive people.

An exercise I do at seminars is to place a shy sad person on one side of the room and a happy outgoing person on the other side. I then ask the audience to go and stand next to the person they feel comfortable with.

People go to whom they feel happy with. A shy person is most likely to associate with another shy person.

  • When you see yourself as poor, you attract more poverty.

When you focus on what you are missing, you experience more of what you are missing as that is all you are seeing and feeling.

I recently consulted with a young lady whose past three boyfriends have "abused" and "used" her.

Is this bad luck or is she attracting a certain type of man into her life? Her attitude revealed she felt worthless and a predominant thought was "Who is going to want me?"


While you may think "I'm not wealthy" or "I'm not slim", could you be poorer or bigger?

Focus on what you do have and see yourself in terms of already having what you want.

Do a stock-take on your life and see what you possess in terms of wealth.

See yourself in terms of slim and you will begin to feel and act slim.

What you think determines what you receive.

Wednesday 22 October 2008

How Depressing!

Every day, the news is full of the Wall Street - Stock Market - crash and how it impacts on us.

I often hear people speaking of how much money they have lost in shares, how tough things are and how tough they are going to get.

If you have money invested, you may find yourself worrying about your future.

Here's my take on it (which is a little different) ...


Problem v's Solution

Every problem has a solution. If you continue to focus on the problem, will it get better or worse?

Worse. What you focus on expands. The more you focus on how tough things are, the worse they become.

Worrying about it is not going to produce a new result. It will only make you feel emotionally worse - even depressed.

Shift your focus to the solution.

What can you do to "ride out the storm"?
What strategies can you put into place?
What are the thoughts you need to have?


From Another Perspective

The Law of Attraction states that what you think and feel, you draw to yourself.

If you focus on "loss", you draw more loss to you. If you focus on how financially tight things are, you attract more financial hardship.

See what you do have in terms of abundance and wealth.

You may be saying "I'm not wealthy".

If you are not wealthy, you must be poor. Seeing yourself as "poor" will cause you to think and act as a poor person - thus attracting more of the same!

If you see yourself in this way, it may be time to do a stock-take of your life. What do you own? What are you worth? How much money do you have in the bank and invested? Make a list.

Create a base for what you do have and then find ways to build on this. How can you earn more money? (We found a neat way that anyone can do and I will share this with you in a few weeks). In other words, what do you have to do to get through?

You may even say an affirmation, like
"Money flows easily to me"
"I receive unexpected cheques in the mail."

In summary, keep your thinking positive with what you do have and what you can do with what you have.

If you do have financial problems, get some financial counselling or consult with a financial planner. Remember, sooner is better than later.

Also, most of the "experts" say this financial situation is going to turn around. What strategies do you need to have in place to get yourself through?


Warren Buffett, regarded as one of the World's richest men, has an interesting outlook on the current crisis:

"A simple rule dictates me buying. Be fearful when others are greedy, and be greedy when others are fearful".

Thursday 9 October 2008

Great Memory

Many years ago I wrote an article on how to have great memory. I thought it would be great to share this with you as I am consulting with many who would like to improve this area of their life.

The only problem is, I've forgotten where I put it!

Good memory is something that is available to everyone - provided you do not have a medical condition that impairs it.


Nine ways to achieve a great memory:

1. Tell yourself you have great memory. Many say, "My memory is hopeless" and "I'm so forgetful". What you think becomes self-fulfilling. You will never disappoint yourself. To have great memory, you first have to see yourself achieving it.

2. Relax. Most people place themselves under pressure when they need to remember something. The more pressure you place yourself under, the less chance you have of remembering it. A good example is exams. People who place themselves under pressure generally have "their mind go blank".

3. Talk to yourself in terms of what you want. Instead of saying "I have forgotten". Say "Relax. The information is popping into my mind". When you have forgotten some-one's name, tell yourself this and your mind instantly begins a memory search. You will be surprised how well it works.

4. Place energy into that which you would like to remember. Many people, especially those involved in business, have too many things happening at the same time. If you are reading an article while someone is speaking with you, there is a great chance you will remember little about both. Too much is going on.

Good memory comes from giving that which you would like to remember your full attention.

5. Have repetition. You learnt your 5 times table through repetition. When I meet people for the first time, I constantly repeat their name verbally and under my breath.

6. Drink plenty of water. Water hydrates you and helps improve your memory. And No, alcohol does not count as water. Alcohol dehydrates your body and messes with your thinking. Other liquids to avoid include soft drinks (as they contain sugar) and caffeine.

7. Eat memory foods. According to Keith Lugton, a naturopath, the best brain foods are green vegetables (especially the ones that contain folic acid) and fish. The ones to avoid are junk foods and especially those high in sugar. Keith says beware of those foods that easily covert to sugar - like pasta and potatoes. 1 bowl of pasta is equivalent to a 7oz glass of sugar!

8. Take supplements. Some supplements can help with your memory. Keith says the main ones include fish oil, folic acid, a good multi-vitamin and Vitamin C with bioflavonoids. Herbs such as Gingko Biloba, Bacopa, Dotu Kola can enhance mental alertness, clarity and memory.

**Importantly, if you are taking any medication, please consult with your doctor before taking supplements as some may react with your medication.**

9. Hypnosis/meditation. I often use hypnosis with students who are about to sit exams to (i) alleviate the fear, pressure and tension, and (ii) give them great memory by placing suggestions in their subconscious that they will remember the information they have learnt.

Thursday 25 September 2008

A Trait That Will Bring You Undone - Part 2

In the last newsletter, I covered one of the many, and lesser known, causes of depression. If you would like to read it, please click here.

This is one of the hardest states to recognise and deal with. Most who have it are in complete denial and are difficult to work with as clients.

This state is: Perfectionism

While most clients who have the problem say they are not perfectionists, they are very high achievers who are just a step below the perfectionist. Here are some of the traits of a perfectionist:
  • A need to be right/hate being wrong
  • A need to win/hate losing
  • Massive fear of failing
  • All or nothing attitude
  • Can't handle any criticism
  • Very critical - of themselves and others
  • Have a very high expectation on themselves to achieve. When these are not met, beat themselves up and wallow in their negative thinking.
  • When a problem or fault is pointed out, they are in denial it exists.
This problem generally begins in childhood where the child goes through some sort of experience where they feel unloved, not good enough, a failure. They soon work out by doing well they receive lots of praise and "love". The better they perform, the more they receive. They then become obsessed with doing "perfect" as you can't get better than perfect.


Overcoming Perfectionism

When you place a high expectation on yourself to perform, you also place a huge amount of pressure on yourself. When under pressure, you are more prone to failure. This then leads to much stress. Not wanting to feel stressed (and seeing it as a weakness), you then have higher expectations and more pressure ... and so the wheel turns!

A person will not change unless they recognise they have the problem and it is working against them. If I bring this problem up in the first session with a client, they generally won't come back for a second session. It is too challenging and shows they have a fault - which they hate.

Imagine you have an 8-year-old son. Your son is about to run a 100 meter race against 7 opponents.

Where would you like him to come? Be honest!

Why here?

Where don't you want him to come?

Most want their child to come first. Some say "2nd to 4th would be good".

To the reason "Why", people say "Because it will make him feel good". Think about this statement and the consequences to it.

To where they don't want him to come, nearly everyone says "Last".

Think of the message this sends to the child - whether you say anything or just think it!

What are your expectations for your son in this race?

Before going on, write your answer down.

I'm willing to bet you said "To do their best and to have fun".

Excellent. These are the expectations you need to have for yourself.

What are the positives to coming 4th in the race?
What are the positives to coming to last?

Most say "There aren't any" - which reinforces the reasons for coming 1st!

They are 4th or 8th fastest. They may have achieved their best time.

The important part is, they are there to have fun and to do their best.

Just as they should be happy with their best, so should you.

Also, do you love them more if they come first?
Do you love them less if they come last?

Of course you don't. You love and accept them for who they are. In other words, you love the person, not the performance.

People love you for who you are, not for how you perform. If they love you for your performance, I suggest it is a very shallow relationship!

Practise being happy with your best.
Accept what you can and can't do.
If someone doesn't accept your best, they have the problem.
Do it for you, for the enjoyment.

This allows all the pressure and stress to disappear.

Wednesday 10 September 2008

A Trait That Will Bring You Undone

When things go wrong, you have your own way of dealing with it.

The best, and most healthy way is through your own thinking. The problem is, we are seldom taught how to do this.

If you do not have the ability to help yourself through your own thinking, you may resort to drugs (prescribed and recreation), alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, exercise and perhaps self mutilation.

When all else fails and the emotional (or physical) pain gets too hard to handle, many take their own life.

Mark Priestly, a 32 year old actor who starred in an Australian production called "All Saints" recently took his life because of depression.

This shows no-one is immune to depression. Regardless of your age, colour and income, you are prone to this debilitating problem.

While I have covered this topic many times before, I want to cover a lesser known cause - one that is rarely associated with depression but one that has major consequences on how a person feels and processes their thinking.

This is one of the hardest emotions to recognise and deal with. Most who have it are in complete denial and are difficult to work with as clients.

This trait is: Perfectionism

While most clients who have the problem say they are not perfectionists, a quick test soon reveals they are. Here are some of the traits of a perfectionist:

  • A need to be right/hate being wrong
  • A need to win/hate losing
  • Massive fear of failing
  • All or nothing
  • Can't handle constructive criticism (or any criticism)
  • Very critical - of themselves and others
  • Have a very high expectation on themselves to achieve. When these are not met, beat themselves up and wallow in their negative thinking.
  • When a problem or fault is pointed out, they are in denial it exists.

This problem generally begins in childhood where the child goes through some sort of experience where they feel unloved, not good enough, a failure. They soon work out by doing well they receive lots of praise and "love". The better they perform, the more they receive. They then become obsessed with doing "perfect" as you can't get better than perfect.

I have had adolescent and teenage clients who won't play a game of sport unless they know they are going to win.

The bottom line is they are looking for acceptance and are totally geared to doing whatever it takes to achieve this.

When you place a high expectation on yourself to perform, you also place a huge amount of pressure on yourself. When under pressure, you are more prone to failure. This then leads to much stress. Not wanting to feel stressed (and seeing it as a weakness), you then have higher expectations and more pressure ... and so the wheel turns!

When there are no solutions to their "poor performance" and they beat themselves up, these people often suffer from severe depression and often want to end it all.

Do you place pressure on yourself to perform?

Do you hate losing/getting things wrong?

Are you a perfectionist?

If you are not sure, ask your partner or a family member to gain their insight.

If what you are currently doing is not working in your best interest, it's time to make a change.

As this is a long article, I have decided to cover how to overcome this problem of perfectionism in the next blog. Stay tuned!



Thursday 28 August 2008

The Number One Destroyer of Performance?

For the past two weeks I have been a keen viewer of the Olympic Games. I was interested for two main reasons:

* I'm a keen sports person and, as a schoolboy many years ago, I was lucky enough to go to a school that had us try as many sports as possible. This gave me a good knowledge on the skills that are required for each sport and allowed me to select the sports I loved. One such love was athletics.

* As I work in the self-development field, I'm keen to hear what motivates athletes and why they think they do well or why they perform poorly.
I noticed while most athletes had a great attitude before they competed, others began to feel the pressure.

This pressure may come from themselves, their team or their country. They feel, especially if they have performed well on the World stage previously, they have to perform well at the Olympics.

Pressure causes a person to "tighten up" physically and emotionally and their performance then suffers.

This can occur in your everyday life.


Do you place pressure on yourself to perform?

Do you place pressure on yourself to get things done?

Let me give you an excellent example of how this works. Imagine you are in a shopping mall and a person you met last week approaches you and says "Hello clive. We met last week". You remember their face but you can't remember their name.

You may well improvise and say "Yes, I remember. G'day Mate".

As the conversation continues, they constantly refer to you as "clive". You try as hard as you can to remember their name. It appears the harder you try, the less chance you have of remembering it.

Once the conversation ends and they walk away, you generally remember their name.

Why?

No pressure. You feel relaxed.

When you have to remember something, instead of putting pressure on yourself, tell yourself to relax. Tell yourself that what you need to remember will come to you quickly and easily.

If you have ever had your brain go blank during an exam, one reason this occurs is because you place pressure on yourself. Once you move onto another question, the answers to the previous questions come flooding in.

I have to say, this never happened to me in my final HSC Physics exam! Everything was blank - probably because I hadn't studied as much as I should and didn't know the answers!

Back to the Olympics. You may have noticed the athletes that performed well beyond expectation were often the ones who had nothing to lose (so there was no unreal expectations and no pressure).

One great example is Matthew Mitcham, the 20 year old Sydney diver who came from behind to win the 10 meter platform gold medal. To win the gold, he had to score over 108 points in his final dive. He achieved an Olympic first by scoring 112.10 points.

When asked what he was thinking just before his final dive, he said he told himself to enjoy the moment and to do his best.

Monday 11 August 2008

Do You Listen To Others?

I recently watched an interview with Sonny Bill Williams - a 22 year old who has been in the news in Australia for breaking a 5-year contract to a team in Sydney to play another code of football in France (for a lot more money).

While I think Sonny Bill is a great player, I can't help but think he is confused and has been listening to another well-known ex-player who is renowned for controversy. The reason I say this is because:
(i) much of what Sonny Bill said in the interview were the words and tone this ex-player uses.
(ii) he says he loves rugby league more than anything else yet he has left it and will be unable to return to it at the highest level. Why would you leave something you truly love when there are other options?
(iii) he appeared confused when asked about the reasons he left.

There are a lot of reasons why I think he is confused - they are not the focus of this article.

While I like Sonny Bill, I'm wondering how "worldly" one can be when making life decisions at 22 years of age.

This got me thinking about how many people do something similar. In other words, do they get the help that is best for them?

Jane, I'd like to take this concept and relate it to your life.

Do you listen to the advice others give you without question?

Do you tell others what they should be doing?

For example, "I would buy that if I was you" and "Go get another job".

Just as you can tell others what they should be doing, others can be telling you what to do. I often hear clients tell me that a relative or another professional has told them to leave their partner because they are not happy in that relationship or their partner has had an affair.

People often take the advice because they don't want to disappoint the advisor.

When people give advice, they do so with the aim of helping. The problem is, the advice they give is what they would do in that situation. And lets face it, it's easy to tell someone else what to do.

Many of the people I consult are happy to give advice but, when they are in a similar situation, they fail to take their own advice.

If you would like to help someone, let go of the need to tell them what to do. Instead, give them options.

As an example, when someone consults with me because their partner has had an affair, I ask them what is their ideal result. If they don't know, I give them possible options. If they want to stay with their partner, we discuss ways to make this happen.

It is important that the client's needs are met. It is important that whoever you are trying to help is able to make the best decision for them. Your role is not to make that decision; it is to help them make that decision.

If you have to do what others say without question, I would suggest you feel a little insecure and have a big need to impress them. It is important for you to make a decision that is right for you. Gather all the information you can - perhaps through asking others - to help you make the best decision. Remember, what others say is what they would do in that situation - and this may not be what you would like to do.


Monday 4 August 2008

Are You A Good Conversationalist?

It was a 40th Birthday party. I was introduced to a gentleman who had just returned from France.

I began asking what he did in France and he said he was over there on a wine study tour. I've heard about them! He began telling me about the French wines, how they are made and why they are so good.

With a background in agriculture and having had the odd wine, I was interested in what he knew and asked lots of questions. After around 40 minutes, I had run out of questions when another man joined the conversation. He, too, asked about the man's trip to France so I excused myself and moved on.

The person who was celebrating the 40th Birthday later told me his friend from France had commented I was a great person to talk to. This amazed me as all I did was listen and ask questions.

I learnt two things that night. How easy it is to impress people and how many people get so involved in themselves, they forget about the person with whom they are having a conversation.

His remark "... a great person to talk to" summed it up. He spoke "to" me, not "with" me.

As another example, I recently walked away from a 30 minute conversation where I found out the name of the other person, what they did for a living, where they lived, all about their family, their favourite music and their hobbies. The irony was, they walked away without even asking my name or anything about me. It was 100% one way.

Maybe you know some people like this? Once you run out of questions to ask, they are hard work as all they want to do is talk about themselves.

What I have learnt is, to be a great conversationalist, listen intently to what people say and ask questions relating to their topic of interest or themselves.

People love talking about themselves, their pains and what they have accomplished.

While you may eventually find them boring, they will like you.

If you have trouble getting a conversation going, the following may help:

  1. Avoid asking questions that require a one or two-word answer like "Yes", "No", "Don't know". For example, "Have you had a good day?" "Yes". "Been busy?" "Not really". If they are not into conversation, it can die very quickly.

  1. Ask questions that are open-ended. These require them to give an expanded answer. "What music do you love?" "What do you like best about your new car?" "Tell me about the work you do".

Occasionally, you will meet someone who, when asked an open-ended question will constantly reply with something like "Not Much". You can either search for a topic they are interested in - you may even ask "What are you interested in?" or, if you continue to get two worded answers, it may be time to move on and find someone who is interested in speaking with you.

People who only speak about themselves (and are not interested in you) or who fail to keep a conversation going are often very insecure. One gains security by peaking about themselves while the other feels so insecure it is better to say next to nothing.

It's easy to think these people are not interested in you and to take their lack of participation personally. Don't. So long as you are working on making conversation, any lack of it from them is their problem.

The best conversation occurs between two or more people who listen intently, ask good questions and keep the conservation going. This works best when both of you show interest in each other. Find a topic you are both interested in and the conversation can last for hours.

Whether you are shy, withdrawn or the life of the party, you, too, can be a good conversationalist.

Monday 14 July 2008

Your Ego May Be Costing You

Last month I wrote how my last book "Think Yourself Slim" has been taken off the market. While I had done my homework and checked on the Internet and with a bookshop that there was no other book of this title, I still came undone.

In fact, I was surprised that a fellow author was able to Trademark a book title similar to mine 6 months after mine was released. I was also surprised the Trademark people had allowed him to Trademark a book title - especially when their guidelines say you are only allowed to Trademark a book title if it is like a "Harry Potter" with other merchandise attached to the name. This other author is not a "Harry Potter".

The Trademark guidelines also states you are not allowed to Trademark common words. I would have thought "Think", "Yourself" and "Slim" were common words!

While I spent a lot of money fighting this, I reached a point where I had to make a decision on whether I kept going. It became a ‘this author' versus ‘me' battle and I see they weren't about to give in.

So, why am I telling you?

Good question!

Have you ever been in a ‘battle' with someone? It may be a relative or a friend. It may be a business - like a shop where you have purchased something.

You are at loggerheads with this person/business because you think you are right and they are wrong. You may have purchased something from a business and they refuse to exchange it. A family member may have taken something they are not entitled to or done something you don't agree with.

The battle can become nasty. It is ‘tick-for-tack'. You may even say "I'm not going to give in. I don't care what it takes, they're not going to win. I know I'm right".

In my personal coaching business, I have seen relationships and friendships destroyed over the need to win the battle. I have seen people lose a lot of money (and, on many occasions, their health) because they refused to concede. This is particularly true when relationships break-up.

Their ego became so BIG, it was ‘win at all costs' - and there generally is a cost. A well-known phrase that best describes this is "You win the war but lost the battle". So, even if you win, you still lose. It's still going to cost you in some way.

Many a couple going through divorce have lost everything because of their need to win at all costs. The only people who have won are the solicitors and the real estate people.

In my personal example, I placed a ceiling on the amount of money I was prepared to spend. I knew, whatever I spent, I would not get back - regardless of whether I won or lost. It was gone forever to my solicitors. I knew the same held true for this other author.

When the time arrived and I had to cough up thousands of more dollars, I knew I could release a new book for this new sum and have some money left over. I wasn't attached to the title, and, the more I tested other titles, the more convinced I was that it was time to concede.

I wish the other author well and I am now on a new journey.

Do you know when to pull out of the battle?

Do you know when it is time to say "Enough is enough"? It takes a far bigger person to concede, knowing they will eventually ‘win'. The cost of the lost money and your health is not worth the satisfaction of saying "I won but lost everything that is important to me".

Your ego can get you into a lot of trouble.

Develop the ability to know when to let go.

Wednesday 2 July 2008

Having Trouble Saying "No"?

Have you ever had trouble saying "No" when asked to do something?

A lot of people do. They are obsessed with saying "Yes" to everything they are asked to do.

So, why do people hate saying "No"?

The main reason is they don't want to offend the other person. They want this person to think highly of them and to like them.

The problem is, always saying "Yes" produces some hardship. It means the person saying "yes" seldom gets to do what they want. This, in turn, produces a feeling of frustration.

On the other hand, some people say "No" bluntly and have little concern or feeling for the other person.

There is middle ground.

When asked to do something you don't want to do or can't do, respond by saying " I'm sorry, I am unable to do it today, because .... However, I am able to do it tomorrow (or at a time that suits)".

For example, when asked to baby-sit a friend's children, "I'm unable to do it tonight because we are going out to a 21st birthday party. However, I can do it tomorrow evening or at the weekend."

This shows your friend that you are willing to baby-sit. It's just the time doesn't suit. A blunt "No, I can't" is interpreted as you are not willing to help out - ever!

Think of when you ask someone to do something and they say "No, I can't". You seldom feel like asking them again. (In some circumstances, you may feel that is good!!)

Quite often, the person asking you will not be happy with you saying you are unable to help them out tonight and continue to place pressure on you to say "Yes". And they will know from past experience, if they hassle you long enough, you will eventually give in and say "Yes".

When this occurs, repeat the above and offer them names of others who may be able to help out. For example, "I'm unable to do it tonight because we are going out to a 21st birthday party. Give Joan, Maddie or Simone a call and see if they can help you out for tonight".

This shows you are doing your best to help.

If you have been a "Yes" person for a long time, the person asking you to baby-sit may begin to put the "guilts" on you by saying "You don't care about me missing out on this function" or "You're really selfish".

Both are manipulating statements issued to coerce you into doing what they want.

If they don't accept your reason and continue to make you feel guilty, who is the selfish one?

They are, because they are only thinking about themselves and have no consideration for you and what you would like to do. You, on the other hand, are considering both yourself and them.

It's not your problem they are unable to get a babysitter. Your position is to help, if possible. If one of their children needed to go to the emergency ward at the hospital, you may deem this to be more important than the 21st birthday and decide to help them out.

Learn to be strong and say "No" where applicable.

You are entitled to a life, too.

Friday 13 June 2008

Act on What You Read

This week, I’ve decided to write about something a little different.

Many of my clients comment on how they read many self-help books yet fail to implement what is written. One client said she reads one book a week to ensure she continually improves her life. While she can remember some of the theory, she is not practising any of it.

This problem not only affects people who read self-help books, it affects most people regardless of what they read.

Does this happen to you? Do you read something and either forget what you have read or you fail to take action on what you read?

An example is the books I have written. They all have exercises to do yet very few people complete these exercises. They simply read straight through them.

What is the function of reading a book or an article?

It should be to learn something.

Many simply read it to say they have finished that book!

Here is what I do …

When reading a book:

* I have a pencil and a highlighter nearby. I highlight key points and jot notes at the side of the text.

* If there is a key point I need to remember, I will either place a stick-on note on that page with a reference or write the key word and page number on a blank page at the back of the book. This gives me a quick reference. For example, ‘Abundance quote 68’ informs me this quote is on page 68.

This helps overcome “Where in this book is that quote on abundance?” and “In which book was that quote?” Instead of reading many books to find the quote, I simply read my reference page at the back.

* When I come across a point I find interesting or something I didn’t know, I will read it twice, bookmark it and then close the book. I then think about that point for a few days and consolidate it.

* Next, I act on that point. I practise the new behaviour until it is habit and I am able to do it automatically.

I have only learnt something when I have made it a part of my life.

Most people skimp over things and, without the practise, only have the theory.

Theory by itself isn’t much good. These are the people who say “I know what I should be doing but I don’t”.

As you can gather, reading a book for me can take much time. However, I do get the key points from it and I learn what I need to learn so the reading has been a great investment – in time and money.

Are you getting the best investment from your reading?

Tuesday 3 June 2008

Let It Go ...

Sixteen years ago, while I was learning my trade, Julie and I were at a dinner party for eight. On arriving we discovered we knew the hosts but not the others. We also discovered the other were all friends.

During the course of the meal, the discussion turned to hypnotherapy. A lady brought the topic up by stating she had hypnosis, it didn't work and it was a sham.

Being a qualified hypnotherapist, I quickly became involved as I wanted to set her straight. "You are wrong" I stated forthrightly. The lady sat upright, her face started to go red and I could see she was keen to defend her point of view. "That's fine" I thought. Bring it on. I know I can win this one.

Julie kicked me under the table and gave me one of those "Let it go" looks as she could see where this was heading. I conceded I had heard of some people who had trouble being hypnotised and it certainly didn't work for every person. I then quickly, and in a nice way, changed the subject to another topic.

A valuable lesson was learnt that night.

Why prove she is wrong? Sure, it would have been good for my ego but it would have made her look foolish in front of her friends. I would have had an enemy (or many) for life.

Was she ever going to concede?

Her body language and aggression said "No". In fact, she would have become more set in her opinion.

Where do you have to be right - especially at the cost of someone being wrong?

Are you argumentative?

Sometimes it pays to let others be right, to have their ‘glory in the sun'. You know what they're saying is wrong but do you have to make them wrong and you right?

And who wins arguments?

If you are proven wrong, you lose. If you are proven right, you still lose because you have shown the other person to be inferior - and they will dislike you - or should I say ‘hate you' - for it.

If the argument became bitter with both having a ‘win at all costs' approach, the people present will not think highly of the person who started it, or the person who goes for ‘the jugular' to prove he or she is right. So you could end up with a lot of people disliking you!

A great trait to have is one where you can allow others to have their point of view - be it right or wrong. Others will soon work them out for who they are.


If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

Thursday 22 May 2008

They're Not Doing the Right Thing ...

Jay was not happy. While her mother had left the homewares and jewellery to be divided up equally between Jay and her sister, Jay's sister had other ideas. One day, while at her deceased Mother's place, she seized the chance to grab as much jewellery as she could. When questioned, she told others how Jay had ripped their mother off by taking things that weren't hers.

To make matters worse, Jay thought her sister was one of her best friends. It had now developed into sisterly feud. Jay's sister didn't care what Jay thought or said as she had what she wanted.

In consultation, Jay commented: "She is not allowed to do this to me. I'm entitled to half the jewellery. She's not allowed to say the awful things she's been saying".


Another good example is a separated parent that does not want to have contact with their child. While the parent with the child may want the separated partner to be a part of the child's life, the separated partner refuses to have contact. The result is generally a big argument between the two parents.

Should the separated parent have contact? Ideally, yes. If the separated parent decides not to, you have to deal with what is - or try and change it.


Where has someone done something to you or said something about you that you are not happy with?

They may be someone close like a family member or friend. They may be someone you don't even know. They may have degraded you or said something about you that you do not like. They may have done something that affects you.

You may find yourself saying "They are not allowed to say or do that".

The cold hard fact is, whether you like it or not, people are allowed to say and do whatever they like.

While you may have high standards and not purposely do or say something that you know will affect others, it doesn't mean others are going to live by your standards. They will live by their standards. They will do and say what they think is going to work for them and whatever makes them feel good.

You have no control over others. You do have control over what you think and do.

In an ideal world:
(i) Should Jay's sister have taken most of the jewellery? No.

(ii) Should Jay's sister tell others lies about Jay and what had happened? No.

The fact is, she has taken the jewellery and told the lies. Jay has to come to terms with this and deal with it.

All through life, some people are going to do the wrong by you in some way. While you may get angry with what they do or say, there is a good chance this will not change them.

Identify what you do have control over - your thinking and what you say and do. Look at what your options are and select one that is going to work for you and give you peace of mind.

In Jay's case, it is important to identify all the things she can do to get half of her mother's jewellery. If nothing works, she has to go to the next level and change her attitude to the current situation. If she fails to, where will she be in 6 months time, 12 months or 5 years time? She will be bitter and vengeful - and is this state going to work for her or against her?

It is important to deal with what others say or do so you are no longer reacting to them. This puts you back in control.


If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

Thursday 8 May 2008

Are You Prepared?

A few years ago, I offered a young couple who were about to get married a copy of my "Creating A Magical Relationship" book. I was offering it with the intention it may provide them with the basics of how to have a long and enjoyable relationship.

I was surprised when they replied "No thanks. We don't need it as we have a great relationship". And I bet you can guess which partner said that!!

Many a client presents for coaching and says "I'm not sure why I am here as I don't think I have the problem any more. While I was feeling devastated because my partner left me, they have come back so things are good". Well, for now anyway!

You are probably asking "What's your point, Clive?"

Prevention is better than cure.

People tend to rate how they are going in life based on whether there are any problems.

If there are no problems - don't mess with it. After all, why fix something if it ain't broken?

People don't worry about eating healthy or exercising until they get sick or have a heart attack. Then they embark on a health program - well, for a while anyway.

Some tend to wait until things go wrong before embarking on a "fix it" program.

A lady who was 30kg overweight, who ate huge amounts of junk food and did no exercise commented she was really surprised she had diabetes! The road back from this becomes long and hard - if she was to attempt it.

Preventation is much easier than fix it. It's much easier to learn how to get the best out of yourself while you are feeling great than when you have emotionally hit rock bottom.

It's much easier to stay healthy than to embark on a health program from sickness or disease.

Let me use the car as an example. Do you service your car when it's required? Do you put the right fuel into it?

Nearly every one does both. Why? They do not want it to break down. If it does, it will cost a lot of money to repair.

So what is more important: your body or your car?

If you answered your "body", are you treating your body better than your car?

You regularly service your car and put the right fuel into it. If your body is more than your car, are you "servicing" your body (getting regular check-ups) and fuelling it correctly?

If you think your car is going to cost a lot of money to fix if it breaks down, wait until you see what it costs to fix your body if it breaks down.

Having said all that, I used to be a "curer". I used to think self development was good for everyone else but I didn't need to do it. My life was fine.

It was only when I ended up in hospital with chest pains because I could not handle being dumped by my girlfriend that I realised there had to be a better way. Getting her back wasn't working so I was forced to make a change. I made a commitment to myself that I never wanted to experience that feeling again and so began my quest to find a fulfilled life.

Now I have an attitude of learn as much as possible so I can enjoy this life to the max.

Is your attitude one of learning how to take control or do you need to go through some emotional trauma before you begin the learning process?


If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

Wednesday 23 April 2008

Everyone Experiences Depression

Research shows more and more young children are being prescribed antidepressants.

Is this a concern or are people taking the easy way out?

One thing I do know, people on antidepressants seldom look at the cause of their depression. This means they do not have the ability (the life skills) to deal with the situation. The problems will thus persist.

Statistics show around one in four people will suffer from depression. For this to be a statistic, these are the people who have sought help and been placed on medication.

Think of how many people suffer in silence. From what I know of depression (from personally having experienced it and from helping people overcome it), every person will experience depression at some time in their life. Most of these will not seek help and will try and work their way through it.

If they do, great. If they don't, there is a chance things will get worse and they may even develop suicidal thoughts.

While there are a lot of definitions of depression, mine is simple. Depression is having a problem to which there is no solution.

Some common examples are:
The loss of a loved one - either through death or a relationship break-up. You want the person back but it is not going to happen.

Financial problems. Your expenses are greater than your income and you see no way of changing this.

Loss of job. You do not have a job and are unable to get one. As the pennies dry up, you need a job but it is not happening.

Being teased. When you are being teased or bullied, it is difficult to find a satisfactory solution.

Poor marks. With the Year 12 final exams approaching, many students become depressed because they haven't done the study and fear they will fail. They feel they have left their run too late and think no amount of study is going to fix the problem.

Suffering from some debilitating illness. You may be in constant pain, suffer from anxiety or panic attacks or suffer from some fear that stops you from enjoying life - like claustrophobia or agoraphobia. You may even have a complaint you can't get rid of or a terminal illness.

Stuck in a situation. You may be in a relationship or job that you intensely dislike and feel you are in a no-win situation. You don't want to stay but feel you can't get out.

You can probably think of many other examples.

So, how many people experience these problems and others? Everyone, at some point in their life.

All of the above put you in a no-win situation. You feel like you are "going in circles", "chasing your tail", "beating your head against a brick wall". While there is no solution, you feel down and may become frustrated, angry and tired. You may feel a sense of hopelessness and associated symptoms. As things become worse, you begin to spiral in a downwards direction.

The further down you go, the blacker things appear to be. This is why depression is often referred to as "the black hole".

There are different depths of depression, from light to deep. The deeper you go, the more work you have to do to get out (and the harder it can be).

Sometimes one event may cause depression; sometimes there are many. I often consult with clients who say "I feel depressed and I don't know why". This often means there is not one thing that stands out. Once we identify all the problems in that person's life that do not have a solution, we begin to see how the depression begins to add up. In other words, one thing by itself is not a problem; five things added together are.

Sometimes things like poor self esteem (hating yourself) and a lack of purpose or direction in life are the cause. Or it may be you have very high expectations of yourself and you are not achieving the result you want.

If you find you are suffering an emotional "down" feeling, identify all your problems that do not have a solution. If you are unable to find a solution, it is important to seek professional help.

If you are having problems with this, please feel free to contact us at clive@clivemurphy.com or give us a call on 02 6921 6373 (or +61 2 6921 6373 for overseas callers).

I Need Your Help

Two of my speciality topics are self esteem and confidence. I have come from having zero of each and have discovered a way to gain both very very quickly. All the counselling and self help books I read had little effect. I embarked on a course to help myself.

And I did. What I discovered changed my life - and almost instantly. I applied my concept to helping others deal with such problems as depression, drug abuse, violence, weight disorders, obsessive compulsive problems, anxiety and feeling a victim. The results, in most cases, have been amazing. So much so that I have decided to make it available to a bigger audience.

I'm about to put together a new product relating to self esteem and confidence. To ensure I help people in the best possible way, I need your help.

If you could spend five minutes with me and ask any two questions on this topic, what would they be? What information would you most like to know about self esteem and confidence that could help you or a loved one?

Send me an email at clive@clivemurphy.com

Thank you for your help.

Monday 14 April 2008

Change, the Way of Today

How do you go when things have to change?

Are you able to embrace it or do you resist it?

This may be change associated with work, with Government or it may be associated with the purchase of some technical equipment - like a new computer or television. Change may involve a new way of doing something (like changing a golf swing or the night the bins are put out to be collected), a belief (like changing the way you think about something) or it may be a forced change (like something new at work or an imposed tax).

Embracing change is one of the more popular topics businesses are now asking me to speak to their team about.

From what I see, most people resist change to some degree. It means going outside their comfort zone to do something they are not comfortable with. When this occurs, they may:

  • Avoid change
  • Hope it goes away
  • Hope it doesn't last and things return to the way they used to be
  • Question it - "Why do I have to do it?"
  • Reluctantly do it
  • Complain about it
  • Stuff up - so they don't have to do it
  • Hope someone else does it

The fact is, the world is changing an ever-increasing rate. We can't stop that. We have a choice whether we keep up or fall behind.

Thank about:

  • How many people owned a computer in 1990, 2000 and today.
  • Who used the Internet in 1996? Today?
  • How many people had a mobile phone in 1990? Today?

Change involves going from the "known" to the "unknown". Going into the unknown often involves fear - the fear that the new change will not work, that you will come out worse in some way.

To combat the unknown, see if you can make it known. Research that new job or business to ensure you will like it and it stands an excellent chance of working out. Research that new home to ensure you will like it and you are not buying solely on emotion.

Accept what has to be and make it work for you. As I said in a past newsletter, when a situation arises that you do not like, you have some choices:

  • embrace it and make it work for you (make the best of what you have),
  • change it so you are happy (good luck in changing it!) or
  • let it work against you (resist it).

When the Government introduces a new fee or work introduces a new work practice - think about your choices. If you fear you are going to be worse off, research it to see if you will be. If you are, back to your three choices.

Change is here to stay. Will you embrace it, ignore it or resist it?

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

Wednesday 26 March 2008

How to Make Your Relationship "Magical"

In my last newsletter, I covered how many people get into a relationship for the wrong reasons - read it here - and how there is a big difference between loving and needing someone.

When you "need" someone, you have to have a person in your life to meet a particular need. The need being met takes preference over the person. That is, the need being met is more important than the person meeting the need.

For example, the person who hates being lonely or feeling rejected will readily accept a person who shows interest in them as this other person will "fix" the problem. Well, for a while anyway.

It is important to be in a relationship with a person because of who the person is, not because they are a meal ticket or make you look good in front of your friends.

In the Jerry Maguire movie (with Tom Cruise), the "You complete me" is total nonsense. Nobody else completes who you are. You complete who you are.

This is the key to you being a great person and to you enjoying a "magical" relationship. To make yourself "whole", you work on yourself (to become the best person you can) and overcome your insecurities. This has two benefits:

First, you sort yourself out before entering a relationship - and especially if you have come out of a bad one or a bad break-up. It's futile taking baggage into the next one.

Second, it is important to give unconditional love. Unconditional love means "giving love without expecting or needing any in return".

This means you have to be so full of love for who you are as a person (not in an egotistical way but in a "real" way) that you don't need someone to love you.

As the old saying goes "You can only give what you have got". If you don't have it for yourself, you are unable to give it. It's like money. If you are the manufacturer of it, you can continue to give it without needing it back. When you give, you simply make some more to replace it.

When you are not the maker but the earner of money, you can only give what you have. If you don't have it, you can't give it.

While many say they have heaps of love to give, it is "Conditional" as they give it with the hope someone will give it back to them.

The number one person you need to have a relationship with, is - yourself. The greater this relationship, the greater will be your relationship with another person.

As an exercise, make a list of the reasons why you are loveable - or why you are a great person?

How many points do you have?

I suggest if there is less than 20, you have some work to do.

If you would like to see what makes a great a relationship and how yours stands up, please feel free to complete my Relationship Questionnaire.


If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us or read "Creating A Magical Relationship".

Monday 24 March 2008

Why Do People Get Into a Relationship?

In a relationship coaching session, I often ask "Why are you in this relationship?"

A common response is "It beats the hell out of living all by myself".

Oops. Not a good response. Think of the consequences of this statement. At this point in time the session usually goes from bad to worse and it takes a lot of work to get it back.

I find many people get into a relationship for the wrong reasons. They do so to overcome loneliness, the pain of rejection, the need for companionship, the need for sex, the need to feel wanted, the need for financial security and the need to satisfy the ego. One client is in his fourth marriage and has never spent more than a week by himself since he started dating at 17 years of age. Virtually before one relationship ends, he is into the next.

Let's examine each of these needs:

(i) The need to overcome loneliness. As the person hates being by themselves, they look for a mate, any mate that shows interest, to help overcome the problem. As the saying goes "Someone is better than no-one".

(ii) The need to overcome the pain of rejection. When a person feels rejection, they feel so devastated the only way to overcome this is to find another partner. This gets their mind off the hurt - and does so even more if the ex has a new partner.

(iii) The need for companionship. It feels terrible going to parties or out to dinner all by oneself. Some people say their partner is their best friend. I have had a lot of best friends and never married any of them! Your relationship partner needs to be more than your best friend.

(iv) The need for sex. Sometimes a person gets into a relationship because the sex is great. They often fall in love with the sex rather than the person. As a side note - this problem occurs with both men AND women. There are some well known people who are constantly in the media with this problem!

(v) The need to feel wanted. When a person feels wanted or needed, they feel loved. They know they are an asset.

(vi) The need for financial security. They view their partner as able to give them the lifestyle they like or would like. Hence the term, "She/he only married them for their money".

(vii) The need to satisfy the ego. This is a relationship based predominantly on looks. They love something physically about their partner and they often love the admiration bestowed on their partner by others.


A good example of the above is "internet dating". Many tell me they are in love without even meeting their partner! I wouldn't call it ‘love'; it is more like ‘lust'.

While the seven points above are the reasons some people get into a relationship, they are also the reasons why some people stay in a "bad" relationship.

All these make it very difficult for the relationship to succeed.

I consult with many who have separated with children under 5 years of age. They say they have "grown apart" or "no longer get on".


There is a major difference between "love" and "need". One is "giving" and the other is "taking". When you "need" something from the relationship, you become a "taker" - and this can work well so long as your partner is prepared to "give".

This is a huge topic and I have endeavoured to get you thinking about your relationship. In the next newsletter, I will discuss how you can "give" to make your relationship magical.


If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.