Are You A Good Conversationalist?

It was a 40th Birthday party. I was introduced to a gentleman who had just returned from France.

I began asking what he did in France and he said he was over there on a wine study tour. I've heard about them! He began telling me about the French wines, how they are made and why they are so good.

With a background in agriculture and having had the odd wine, I was interested in what he knew and asked lots of questions. After around 40 minutes, I had run out of questions when another man joined the conversation. He, too, asked about the man's trip to France so I excused myself and moved on.

The person who was celebrating the 40th Birthday later told me his friend from France had commented I was a great person to talk to. This amazed me as all I did was listen and ask questions.

I learnt two things that night. How easy it is to impress people and how many people get so involved in themselves, they forget about the person with whom they are having a conversation.

His remark "... a great person to talk to" summed it up. He spoke "to" me, not "with" me.

As another example, I recently walked away from a 30 minute conversation where I found out the name of the other person, what they did for a living, where they lived, all about their family, their favourite music and their hobbies. The irony was, they walked away without even asking my name or anything about me. It was 100% one way.

Maybe you know some people like this? Once you run out of questions to ask, they are hard work as all they want to do is talk about themselves.

What I have learnt is, to be a great conversationalist, listen intently to what people say and ask questions relating to their topic of interest or themselves.

People love talking about themselves, their pains and what they have accomplished.

While you may eventually find them boring, they will like you.

If you have trouble getting a conversation going, the following may help:

1. Avoid asking questions that require a one or two-word answer like "Yes", "No", "Don't know". For example, "Have you had a good day?" "Yes". "Been busy?" "Not really". If they are not into conversation, it can die very quickly.
   

2. Ask questions that are open-ended. These require them to give an expanded answer. "What music do you love?" "What do you like best about your new car?" "Tell me about the work you do".

Occasionally, you will meet someone who, when asked an open-ended question will constantly reply with something like "Not Much". You can either search for a topic they are interested in - you may even ask "What are you interested in?" or, if you continue to get two worded answers, it may be time to move on and find someone who is interested in speaking with you.

People who only speak about themselves (and are not interested in you) or who fail to keep a conversation going are often very insecure. One gains security by peaking about themselves while the other feels so insecure it is better to say next to nothing.

It's easy to think these people are not interested in you and to take their lack of participation personally. Don't. So long as you are working on making conversation, any lack of it from them is their problem.

The best conversation occurs between two or more people who listen intently, ask good questions and keep the conservation going. This works best when both of you show interest in each other. Find a topic you are both interested in and the conversation can last for hours.

Whether you are shy, withdrawn or the life of the party, you, too, can be a good conversationalist.