To make matters worse, Jay thought her sister was one of her best friends. It had now developed into sisterly feud. Jay's sister didn't care what Jay thought or said as she had what she wanted.
In consultation, Jay commented: "She is not allowed to do this to me. I'm entitled to half the jewellery. She's not allowed to say the awful things she's been saying".
Another good example is a separated parent that does not want to have contact with their child. While the parent with the child may want the separated partner to be a part of the child's life, the separated partner refuses to have contact. The result is generally a big argument between the two parents.
Should the separated parent have contact? Ideally, yes. If the separated parent decides not to, you have to deal with what is - or try and change it.
Where has someone done something to you or said something about you that you are not happy with?
They may be someone close like a family member or friend. They may be someone you don't even know. They may have degraded you or said something about you that you do not like. They may have done something that affects you.
You may find yourself saying "They are not allowed to say or do that".
The cold hard fact is, whether you like it or not, people are allowed to say and do whatever they like.
While you may have high standards and not purposely do or say something that you know will affect others, it doesn't mean others are going to live by your standards. They will live by their standards. They will do and say what they think is going to work for them and whatever makes them feel good.
You have no control over others. You do have control over what you think and do.
In an ideal world:
(i) Should Jay's sister have taken most of the jewellery? No.
(ii) Should Jay's sister tell others lies about Jay and what had happened? No.
The fact is, she has taken the jewellery and told the lies. Jay has to come to terms with this and deal with it.
All through life, some people are going to do the wrong by you in some way. While you may get angry with what they do or say, there is a good chance this will not change them.
Identify what you do have control over - your thinking and what you say and do. Look at what your options are and select one that is going to work for you and give you peace of mind.
In Jay's case, it is important to identify all the things she can do to get half of her mother's jewellery. If nothing works, she has to go to the next level and change her attitude to the current situation. If she fails to, where will she be in 6 months time, 12 months or 5 years time? She will be bitter and vengeful - and is this state going to work for her or against her?
It is important to deal with what others say or do so you are no longer reacting to them. This puts you back in control.
If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.
3 comments:
Sisters, Mum's things, who is entitled to what, who lied to whom? Familiar for a lot of people I bet. One of the worst feelings I have had is in doing my best to help my mum in need, ensuring she wanted the help in the first place and what I was doing is what she wanted, then having someone make my actions out to be something underhanded or sinister. Hurt like hell to think people were saying and spreading this belief. Why someone would do this is beyond me. Eventually I dealt with the humiliation and anger I felt at the way others judged me on hearsay without even knowing what I was actually helping my mum achieve and the relief that came with it for her. I dealt with the nastiness by cutting the invisible ties as Clive suggests in his book and knowing what I was doing and why and holding my head high as I went about my business.
In my case the jewellery came into it when Mum was leaving the house and didn't want it left in case of theft. She asked me to look after it for her which I did. My sister saw this as her job and offered to do it instead but I told her it was okay I was perfectly capable. Mum never returned to the house and many months later I asked her about the jewellery and she told me to get my sisters over and share it out. I asked them, they never came, a lot of stormy water had run under the bridge by this time. In the end I went to them one by one and said heres the tray what do you want. Mum had already allocated certain pieces which we all new about but somehow one sisters memories were different to another. They say where there's a will there's a way,... or a relative... I say where there's a will, if it's not clearly set out who gets what...there's a war! Petty isn't it....but oh so true. I still feel hurt by it all and they won't talk about it. I'd love to get them all together in family counselling, then the truth might come out. No doubt we will all be wrong!
When all this family business of not doing the right thing takes place and the rumours start of which you are the subject be it right or wrong, you question your actions.You question whether you have done the right thing. If you let it it can consume your whole life, relationships and everyday living. Why do we let it? Because we lack self esteem, confidence, have anxiety or depression or many other issues which need addressing. In some ways this can be a blessing as insight into yourself comes to a head and you realise you need assistance in dealing with this as well as the other party. A shared problem becomes lighter and we can grow as a more compassionate and logical person who will eventually have the ability to put things in perspective. It is called growing as a person and this will continue through out life. Thanks Clive for the insight.
I'm sure that is all true. It also hurts because we believe we are doing the right thing and to be treated as if we are not by people who are supposed to love you and be on your side is betrayal. To add insult to injury when they won't talk directly to you about it you are rendered helpless. All that is left to come back into your power is to cut off what was once a support and now a source of pain for your own survival.
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