Are You a People Pleaser?

I often consult with someone who says "I'm a people pleaser. I like to make sure everyone is happy".

Here are some of the traits. You:

• Only say what others want to hear, what makes them feel good.
  
• Do what makes others feel good.
  
• Hate conflict.
  
• Can't stand the thought of upsetting anyone.
  
• Give in to other peoples needs.
  
• Forever are pleasing others yet others do not reciprocate or are ungrateful.

Here is an example.

I was recently hired to help a business get their mindset right. It quickly became apparent this company had some very proactive employees who were keen to contribute and move forward.

On the other hand, there were two employees who appeared negative and objected to everything.

The thing I noticed was the boss was forever defending these two employees and was constantly trying to please them, even if it was to the businesses detriment.

It was very apparent this boss was a "people pleaser", a person who wanted everyone to like him and who hated conflict.

When twelve of his sales team of fourteen voted to implement a new concept (I'll call it Action A) that greatly benefited the business, he agreed. The two "negative" people vehemently disagreed and said they wanted to keep the old way (which appeared to be detrimental to the business yet suited them personally). After the meeting, the two met with their boss and harassed him to stay with the old way. Not wanting conflict and with a need to please, he said he would.

This created all sorts of problems:

• The 12 who wanted the best solution were not happy as the boss had changed his mind. The 12 were tiring of the minority getting their way - and often getting it through harassment. They were thinking "What's the use of contributing?" so had ceased to do so. Result - a de-motivated majority and some good business ideas lost.

• The proactive people were thinking of leaving the company because they have a leader who is not doing the right thing by the company. If this happened, the boss would lose the proactive people (one of his greatest assets) and retain the reactive ones.

• The business will fail to go forward as the right decisions for the business are not being made.

• The boss will end up feeling stressed as he is trying to please everyone. This need to please is difficult, frustrating and tiring.

When you are a "people pleaser", you suffer emotionally and physically - and everyone around you suffers.

Through trying to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one.

Why Do People Try and Please Everyone?

The aim of pleasing is to gain acceptance. It is a way of making sure everyone likes them and thinks highly of them.

The enemy of the people pleaser is conflict where someone will dislike what they think, say or do.

The Solutions

1. Who determines how you feel?

While you may answer "I do", if someone upsets you or makes you feel angry or emotionally down, they are determining how you feel. You are allowing them to do this.

If you have to constantly do and say things to please someone, they control how you feel.

Stop allowing. Take back your control as you need to determine how you feel and what you do.

Who do you need to impress?

Yourself. When you are impressed with who you are and what you do, you no longer need others to feel impressed. When you are happy with you, you maximise the chance of others feeling happy with you.

If you would like to know how to do this, Empower Yourself will show you how.

2. Who is the only person you can make happy?

Yourself.

If you are trying to make others happy, you will feel happy provided they are happy. If they choose to be unhappy, you will feel unhappy.

On the flip side, if you are happy, who gains the benefit?

Yourself and others around you.

If you want others to be happy, it starts with you being happy.

3. If you are a boss or a parent, identify what's best for your business or family.

Not what is best for the individual.

Pandering to people who are negative or feel a victim will only enable them to continue to be that way.

Letting staff or children get their own way only reinforces this belief within them. It is important to be strong with you to make the right decisions.

Through doing the right thing by the business (or family), it will always flourish.

4. Ways of saying "No"

If people are unable to accept "No", they need to develop a belief system so they can without taking it personally.

You will never satisfy 100% of the people - so cease trying to.

There are many ways of saying "No" without totally offending someone.

In the sales example, the boss could say "Thank you for offering Action A and discussing this and the current way of doing things. The more options we have, the better the result we can achieve. It's important that we achieve a result that is best for the business. From our discussions, the best result is Action A. I welcome all your input in the future and encourage you to continue to come up with new ideas."

This way, the emphasis is on what is best for the business and everyone is thanked for their input.

What's One of the Best Traits To Possess?

Let me explain this through using some examples.

Penny found out her husband was having an affair and he wanted to leave her for this other woman. She was devastated.

What's the real cause of her feeling devastated?

Jim was angry. He had been working on a project his client had requested for two weeks and now his client refused to purchase it.

What's the real cause of his anger?

While you may say "Rejection" for Penny and "Anger" or "not feeling in control" for Jim, you are partially right.

From working with many thousands of clients for over 22 years, I have come to the conclusion nearly every problem we experience comes back to one thing:

A lack of self-belief.

This also means a lack of self-love, self worth and self-esteem.

Other every day examples include:

The bully lacks self-esteem - that's why he/she has to control and put another down.

The victim lacks self-esteem - he/she reacts to the bully and sees themselves as the victim.

The stubborn person lacks self-esteem - things have to work out their way for them to feel good. If they don't work out, they feel emotionally down.

The person who fails to stand up for themselves (including the ‘people pleaser') lacks self-esteem.

There's an Old Saying

"You can only give what you have got".

Most people say they have a lot to give - and they have, so long as they receive it first.

If you are not happy, you need something or someone to make you happy. Once you have the happiness, you are free to give it.

This also applies to love. People feel loved when someone loves them. When they feel this love, they are then able to give it.

However, if the person stops loving them, they feel rejected.

Here's the Solution

You can only give the love you have for you.

When you feel totally loved by you, you now have a lot to give - and importantly, you can now give it unconditionally.

Unconditional love means giving without wanting or needing anything back in return.

When you are self-fulfilled, you have all the love you need so anything you receive from another is a bonus. While you don't need it, it is great to have.

Penny now realizes her ex-husband has not taken all the love - she still has love for herself - and, importantly, she sees him leaving as his loss.

Jim is no longer angry as he takes control of how he feels. His happiness was dependent on the client buying, rather than coming from within. He will now learn from what has happened and develop a new way of dealing with clients - sometimes it is important to learn what doesn't work so you can implement what does work!

The bully now no longer has a need to feel inferior as he/she feels good about who they are.

The victim no longer feels the victim for the same reason. They realize it is not their problem and they are still a great person - regardless of what the bully says or does. When people feel insecure, they often have a need to control others in some way.

The stubborn person can go with the flow, as they feel happy regardless of the outcome. The outcome does not determine how they feel; they do.

The person who fails to stand up for themselves does so within their mind. They have to be strong with themselves to process the information in a way that is going to work for them.

How Do You Do This?

Know what your good points are.

If you are unsure on how to do this, "Get To Know Yourself" and "Become a Great Person" are a good read.

When you know what your good points are, and start to love the person you are, you are able to process what is happening in your world in a far better way.

Forever strive to be a better person and to feel self-fulfilled.