It is something everyone does, whether it is with their children, in a relationship or at work. The problem is, they often become heated and can have devastating results.
Often voices are raised and bad things said that are later regretted or remembered for life. It can get into name calling and degrading the other person.
So, if arguments are so destructive ...
Why Do People Argue?
Arguments occur when two or more people hold different opinions and they both hold the belief they are right and the other person is wrong.
Let's go back a step. When you have a different opinion with another, there are four possible outcomes:
Win / Win
Win / Lose
Lose / Win
Lose / Lose
Obviously, the best outcome is Win/Win.
Which outcome is selfish?
When you argue, which one do you pick?
If you are stubborn, which one?
When you argue, you are:
(i) Defending what you know. While you are doing this you are not listening to what the other person is saying.
(ii) Trying to prove you are right and the other person is wrong.
(iii) Selfish. First, you are saying you are right and the other person is wrong (Win/Lose). Second, you are trying to change the other person into believing what you believe. You are not allowing them to have their own beliefs and this is selfish and produces a Win/Lose.
One of the biggest needs people have is the need to be right. When you are right, not only do you feel good, you unconsciously think others will also feel good about you.
The whole function of arguing is to convince another person to agree with you. What can often begin as a disagreement can lead to raised voices, which, if a result is not found, often leads to yelling and can even lead to verbal abuse and physical violence.
Throw in some stubbornness and this really generates some heat.
When two stubborn people argue, it often "a battle to the death" as neither will give in. Stubborn people have to be right so are selfish when in an argument.
Sometimes one is stubborn and the other not. The person who isn't stubborn will give in (producing a Lose/Win) as "it's not worth arguing" and will feel resentful they are not being heard.
Which begs the question ...
Who Wins an Argument?
The answer is "No-one" or "the strongest" - with the most common outcome being a Lose/Lose.
Think of times when you argue. What is the result? And what effect does this have on either yourself or the person you are arguing with?
You may be a person that has to win at all costs or a person who hates confrontation and refuses to argue. You may give in to keep the peace and hold resentment because your thoughts are not valued. All of these produce a detrimental result.
So, what's the solution?
When Two People Hold Different Opinions, Who is Right?
They both are. You only have to ask them. Each will say they are right for what they believe and the reasons why.
When someone has a different opinion to you, accept they are right for what they believe. It often pays to gain an understanding on why they think the way they do. Ask them questions like "Why do you think this is right?", "Why do you think this is better than that?"
Attempting to convince them to change may not work (as they think they are right). To get them to see another perspective, ask questions like "Do you think ... (this) ... could work or is a possibility?" By asking the right questions, you get them to discover there could be another possibility. If they come up with the answer (as against you telling them), they feel good.
If you ask the question "Could something different work?" and they emphatically say "No", there is a good possibility they are stuck with what they think and are not prepared to look beyond that. Accept this and be prepared to move on by changing the topic of conversation.
In the next article, I am covering other ways of how to deal with arguments and conflict. Stay tuned.
