Are You A Good Conversationalist?

It was a 40th Birthday party. I was introduced to a gentleman who had just returned from France.

I began asking what he did in France and he said he was over there on a wine study tour. I've heard about them! He began telling me about the French wines, how they are made and why they are so good.

With a background in agriculture and having had the odd wine, I was interested in what he knew and asked lots of questions. After around 40 minutes, I had run out of questions when another man joined the conversation. He, too, asked about the man's trip to France so I excused myself and moved on.

The person who was celebrating the 40th Birthday later told me his friend from France had commented I was a great person to talk to. This amazed me as all I did was listen and ask questions.

I learnt two things that night. How easy it is to impress people and how many people get so involved in themselves, they forget about the person with whom they are having a conversation.

His remark "... a great person to talk to" summed it up. He spoke "to" me, not "with" me.

As another example, I recently walked away from a 30 minute conversation where I found out the name of the other person, what they did for a living, where they lived, all about their family, their favourite music and their hobbies. The irony was, they walked away without even asking my name or anything about me. It was 100% one way.

Maybe you know some people like this? Once you run out of questions to ask, they are hard work as all they want to do is talk about themselves.

What I have learnt is, to be a great conversationalist, listen intently to what people say and ask questions relating to their topic of interest or themselves.

People love talking about themselves, their pains and what they have accomplished.

While you may eventually find them boring, they will like you.

If you have trouble getting a conversation going, the following may help:

1. Avoid asking questions that require a one or two-word answer like "Yes", "No", "Don't know". For example, "Have you had a good day?" "Yes". "Been busy?" "Not really". If they are not into conversation, it can die very quickly.
   

2. Ask questions that are open-ended. These require them to give an expanded answer. "What music do you love?" "What do you like best about your new car?" "Tell me about the work you do".

Occasionally, you will meet someone who, when asked an open-ended question will constantly reply with something like "Not Much". You can either search for a topic they are interested in - you may even ask "What are you interested in?" or, if you continue to get two worded answers, it may be time to move on and find someone who is interested in speaking with you.

People who only speak about themselves (and are not interested in you) or who fail to keep a conversation going are often very insecure. One gains security by peaking about themselves while the other feels so insecure it is better to say next to nothing.

It's easy to think these people are not interested in you and to take their lack of participation personally. Don't. So long as you are working on making conversation, any lack of it from them is their problem.

The best conversation occurs between two or more people who listen intently, ask good questions and keep the conservation going. This works best when both of you show interest in each other. Find a topic you are both interested in and the conversation can last for hours.

Whether you are shy, withdrawn or the life of the party, you, too, can be a good conversationalist.

Your Ego May Be Costing You

Last month I wrote how my last book "Think Yourself Slim" has been taken off the market. While I had done my homework and checked on the Internet and with a bookshop that there was no other book of this title, I still came undone.

In fact, I was surprised that a fellow author was able to Trademark a book title similar to mine 6 months after mine was released. I was also surprised the Trademark people had allowed him to Trademark a book title - especially when their guidelines say you are only allowed to Trademark a book title if it is like a "Harry Potter" with other merchandise attached to the name. This other author is not a "Harry Potter".

The Trademark guidelines also states you are not allowed to Trademark common words. I would have thought "Think", "Yourself" and "Slim" were common words!

While I spent a lot of money fighting this, I reached a point where I had to make a decision on whether I kept going. It became a ‘this author' versus ‘me' battle and I see they weren't about to give in.

So, why am I telling you?

Good question!

Have you ever been in a ‘battle' with someone? It may be a relative or a friend. It may be a business - like a shop where you have purchased something.

You are at loggerheads with this person/business because you think you are right and they are wrong. You may have purchased something from a business and they refuse to exchange it. A family member may have taken something they are not entitled to or done something you don't agree with.

The battle can become nasty. It is ‘tick-for-tack'. You may even say "I'm not going to give in. I don't care what it takes, they're not going to win. I know I'm right".

In my personal coaching business, I have seen relationships and friendships destroyed over the need to win the battle. I have seen people lose a lot of money (and, on many occasions, their health) because they refused to concede. This is particularly true when relationships break-up.

Their ego became so BIG, it was ‘win at all costs' - and there generally is a cost. A well-known phrase that best describes this is "You win the war but lost the battle". So, even if you win, you still lose. It's still going to cost you in some way.

Many a couple going through divorce have lost everything because of their need to win at all costs. The only people who have won are the solicitors and the real estate people.

In my personal example, I placed a ceiling on the amount of money I was prepared to spend. I knew, whatever I spent, I would not get back - regardless of whether I won or lost. It was gone forever to my solicitors. I knew the same held true for this other author.

When the time arrived and I had to cough up thousands of more dollars, I knew I could release a new book for this new sum and have some money left over. I wasn't attached to the title, and, the more I tested other titles, the more convinced I was that it was time to concede.

I wish the other author well and I am now on a new journey.

Do you know when to pull out of the battle?

Do you know when it is time to say "Enough is enough"? It takes a far bigger person to concede, knowing they will eventually ‘win'. The cost of the lost money and your health is not worth the satisfaction of saying "I won but lost everything that is important to me".

Your ego can get you into a lot of trouble.

Develop the ability to know when to let go.

Having Trouble Saying "No"?

Have you ever had trouble saying "No" when asked to do something?

A lot of people do. They are obsessed with saying "Yes" to everything they are asked to do.

So, why do people hate saying "No"?

The main reason is they don't want to offend the other person. They want this person to think highly of them and to like them.

The problem is, always saying "Yes" produces some hardship. It means the person saying "yes" seldom gets to do what they want. This, in turn, produces a feeling of frustration.

On the other hand, some people say "No" bluntly and have little concern or feeling for the other person.

There is middle ground.

When asked to do something you don't want to do or can't do, respond by saying " I'm sorry, I am unable to do it today, because .... However, I am able to do it tomorrow (or at a time that suits)".

For example, when asked to baby-sit a friend's children, "I'm unable to do it tonight because we are going out to a 21st birthday party. However, I can do it tomorrow evening or at the weekend."

This shows your friend that you are willing to baby-sit. It's just the time doesn't suit. A blunt "No, I can't" is interpreted as you are not willing to help out - ever!

Think of when you ask someone to do something and they say "No, I can't". You seldom feel like asking them again. (In some circumstances, you may feel that is good!!)

Quite often, the person asking you will not be happy with you saying you are unable to help them out tonight and continue to place pressure on you to say "Yes". And they will know from past experience, if they hassle you long enough, you will eventually give in and say "Yes".

When this occurs, repeat the above and offer them names of others who may be able to help out. For example, "I'm unable to do it tonight because we are going out to a 21st birthday party. Give Joan, Maddie or Simone a call and see if they can help you out for tonight".

This shows you are doing your best to help.

If you have been a "Yes" person for a long time, the person asking you to baby-sit may begin to put the "guilts" on you by saying "You don't care about me missing out on this function" or "You're really selfish".

Both are manipulating statements issued to coerce you into doing what they want.

If they don't accept your reason and continue to make you feel guilty, who is the selfish one?

They are, because they are only thinking about themselves and have no consideration for you and what you would like to do. You, on the other hand, are considering both yourself and them.

It's not your problem they are unable to get a babysitter. Your position is to help, if possible. If one of their children needed to go to the emergency ward at the hospital, you may deem this to be more important than the 21st birthday and decide to help them out.

Learn to be strong and say "No" where applicable.

You are entitled to a life, too.

Act on What You Read

This week, I’ve decided to write about something a little different.

Many of my clients comment on how they read many self-help books yet fail to implement what is written. One client said she reads one book a week to ensure she continually improves her life. While she can remember some of the theory, she is not practising any of it.

This problem not only affects people who read self-help books, it affects most people regardless of what they read.

Does this happen to you? Do you read something and either forget what you have read or you fail to take action on what you read?

An example is the books I have written. They all have exercises to do yet very few people complete these exercises. They simply read straight through them.

What is the function of reading a book or an article?

It should be to learn something.

Many simply read it to say they have finished that book!

Here is what I do …

When reading a book:

* I have a pencil and a highlighter nearby. I highlight key points and jot notes at the side of the text.

* If there is a key point I need to remember, I will either place a stick-on note on that page with a reference or write the key word and page number on a blank page at the back of the book. This gives me a quick reference. For example, ‘Abundance quote 68’ informs me this quote is on page 68.

This helps overcome “Where in this book is that quote on abundance?” and “In which book was that quote?” Instead of reading many books to find the quote, I simply read my reference page at the back.

* When I come across a point I find interesting or something I didn’t know, I will read it twice, bookmark it and then close the book. I then think about that point for a few days and consolidate it.

* Next, I act on that point. I practise the new behaviour until it is habit and I am able to do it automatically.

I have only learnt something when I have made it a part of my life.

Most people skimp over things and, without the practise, only have the theory.

Theory by itself isn’t much good. These are the people who say “I know what I should be doing but I don’t”.

As you can gather, reading a book for me can take much time. However, I do get the key points from it and I learn what I need to learn so the reading has been a great investment – in time and money.

Are you getting the best investment from your reading?

Let It Go ...

Sixteen years ago, while I was learning my trade, Julie and I were at a dinner party for eight. On arriving we discovered we knew the hosts but not the others. We also discovered the other were all friends.

During the course of the meal, the discussion turned to hypnotherapy. A lady brought the topic up by stating she had hypnosis, it didn't work and it was a sham.

Being a qualified hypnotherapist, I quickly became involved as I wanted to set her straight. "You are wrong" I stated forthrightly. The lady sat upright, her face started to go red and I could see she was keen to defend her point of view. "That's fine" I thought. Bring it on. I know I can win this one.

Julie kicked me under the table and gave me one of those "Let it go" looks as she could see where this was heading. I conceded I had heard of some people who had trouble being hypnotised and it certainly didn't work for every person. I then quickly, and in a nice way, changed the subject to another topic.

A valuable lesson was learnt that night.

Why prove she is wrong? Sure, it would have been good for my ego but it would have made her look foolish in front of her friends. I would have had an enemy (or many) for life.

Was she ever going to concede?

Her body language and aggression said "No". In fact, she would have become more set in her opinion.

Where do you have to be right - especially at the cost of someone being wrong?

Are you argumentative?

Sometimes it pays to let others be right, to have their ‘glory in the sun'. You know what they're saying is wrong but do you have to make them wrong and you right?

And who wins arguments?

If you are proven wrong, you lose. If you are proven right, you still lose because you have shown the other person to be inferior - and they will dislike you - or should I say ‘hate you' - for it.

If the argument became bitter with both having a ‘win at all costs' approach, the people present will not think highly of the person who started it, or the person who goes for ‘the jugular' to prove he or she is right. So you could end up with a lot of people disliking you!

A great trait to have is one where you can allow others to have their point of view - be it right or wrong. Others will soon work them out for who they are.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

They're Not Doing the Right Thing ...

Jay was not happy. While her mother had left the homewares and jewellery to be divided up equally between Jay and her sister, Jay's sister had other ideas. One day, while at her deceased Mother's place, she seized the chance to grab as much jewellery as she could. When questioned, she told others how Jay had ripped their mother off by taking things that weren't hers.

To make matters worse, Jay thought her sister was one of her best friends. It had now developed into sisterly feud. Jay's sister didn't care what Jay thought or said as she had what she wanted.

In consultation, Jay commented: "She is not allowed to do this to me. I'm entitled to half the jewellery. She's not allowed to say the awful things she's been saying".

Another good example is a separated parent that does not want to have contact with their child. While the parent with the child may want the separated partner to be a part of the child's life, the separated partner refuses to have contact. The result is generally a big argument between the two parents.

Should the separated parent have contact? Ideally, yes. If the separated parent decides not to, you have to deal with what is - or try and change it.

Where has someone done something to you or said something about you that you are not happy with?

They may be someone close like a family member or friend. They may be someone you don't even know. They may have degraded you or said something about you that you do not like. They may have done something that affects you.

You may find yourself saying "They are not allowed to say or do that".

The cold hard fact is, whether you like it or not, people are allowed to say and do whatever they like.

While you may have high standards and not purposely do or say something that you know will affect others, it doesn't mean others are going to live by your standards. They will live by their standards. They will do and say what they think is going to work for them and whatever makes them feel good.

You have no control over others. You do have control over what you think and do.

In an ideal world:
(i) Should Jay's sister have taken most of the jewellery? No.

(ii) Should Jay's sister tell others lies about Jay and what had happened? No.

The fact is, she has taken the jewellery and told the lies. Jay has to come to terms with this and deal with it.

All through life, some people are going to do the wrong by you in some way. While you may get angry with what they do or say, there is a good chance this will not change them.

Identify what you do have control over - your thinking and what you say and do. Look at what your options are and select one that is going to work for you and give you peace of mind.

In Jay's case, it is important to identify all the things she can do to get half of her mother's jewellery. If nothing works, she has to go to the next level and change her attitude to the current situation. If she fails to, where will she be in 6 months time, 12 months or 5 years time? She will be bitter and vengeful - and is this state going to work for her or against her?

It is important to deal with what others say or do so you are no longer reacting to them. This puts you back in control.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

Are You Prepared?

A few years ago, I offered a young couple who were about to get married a copy of my "Creating A Magical Relationship" book. I was offering it with the intention it may provide them with the basics of how to have a long and enjoyable relationship.

I was surprised when they replied "No thanks. We don't need it as we have a great relationship". And I bet you can guess which partner said that!!

Many a client presents for coaching and says "I'm not sure why I am here as I don't think I have the problem any more. While I was feeling devastated because my partner left me, they have come back so things are good". Well, for now anyway!

You are probably asking "What's your point, Clive?"

Prevention is better than cure.

People tend to rate how they are going in life based on whether there are any problems.

If there are no problems - don't mess with it. After all, why fix something if it ain't broken?

People don't worry about eating healthy or exercising until they get sick or have a heart attack. Then they embark on a health program - well, for a while anyway.

Some tend to wait until things go wrong before embarking on a "fix it" program.

A lady who was 30kg overweight, who ate huge amounts of junk food and did no exercise commented she was really surprised she had diabetes! The road back from this becomes long and hard - if she was to attempt it.

Preventation is much easier than fix it. It's much easier to learn how to get the best out of yourself while you are feeling great than when you have emotionally hit rock bottom.

It's much easier to stay healthy than to embark on a health program from sickness or disease.

Let me use the car as an example. Do you service your car when it's required? Do you put the right fuel into it?

Nearly every one does both. Why? They do not want it to break down. If it does, it will cost a lot of money to repair.

So what is more important: your body or your car?

If you answered your "body", are you treating your body better than your car?

You regularly service your car and put the right fuel into it. If your body is more than your car, are you "servicing" your body (getting regular check-ups) and fuelling it correctly?

If you think your car is going to cost a lot of money to fix if it breaks down, wait until you see what it costs to fix your body if it breaks down.

Having said all that, I used to be a "curer". I used to think self development was good for everyone else but I didn't need to do it. My life was fine.

It was only when I ended up in hospital with chest pains because I could not handle being dumped by my girlfriend that I realised there had to be a better way. Getting her back wasn't working so I was forced to make a change. I made a commitment to myself that I never wanted to experience that feeling again and so began my quest to find a fulfilled life.

Now I have an attitude of learn as much as possible so I can enjoy this life to the max.

Is your attitude one of learning how to take control or do you need to go through some emotional trauma before you begin the learning process?

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.