A Trait That Will Bring You Undone - Part 2

In the last newsletter, I covered one of the many, and lesser known, causes of depression. If you would like to read it, please click here.

This is one of the hardest states to recognise and deal with. Most who have it are in complete denial and are difficult to work with as clients.

This state is: Perfectionism

While most clients who have the problem say they are not perfectionists, they are very high achievers who are just a step below the perfectionist. Here are some of the traits of a perfectionist:

• A need to be right/hate being wrong
• A need to win/hate losing
• Massive fear of failing
• All or nothing attitude
• Can't handle any criticism
• Very critical - of themselves and others
• Have a very high expectation on themselves to achieve. When these are not met, beat themselves up and wallow in their negative thinking.
• When a problem or fault is pointed out, they are in denial it exists.

This problem generally begins in childhood where the child goes through some sort of experience where they feel unloved, not good enough, a failure. They soon work out by doing well they receive lots of praise and "love". The better they perform, the more they receive. They then become obsessed with doing "perfect" as you can't get better than perfect.


Overcoming Perfectionism

When you place a high expectation on yourself to perform, you also place a huge amount of pressure on yourself. When under pressure, you are more prone to failure. This then leads to much stress. Not wanting to feel stressed (and seeing it as a weakness), you then have higher expectations and more pressure ... and so the wheel turns!

A person will not change unless they recognise they have the problem and it is working against them. If I bring this problem up in the first session with a client, they generally won't come back for a second session. It is too challenging and shows they have a fault - which they hate.

Imagine you have an 8-year-old son. Your son is about to run a 100 meter race against 7 opponents.

Where would you like him to come? Be honest!

Why here?

Where don't you want him to come?

Most want their child to come first. Some say "2nd to 4th would be good".

To the reason "Why", people say "Because it will make him feel good". Think about this statement and the consequences to it.

To where they don't want him to come, nearly everyone says "Last".

Think of the message this sends to the child - whether you say anything or just think it!

What are your expectations for your son in this race?

Before going on, write your answer down.

I'm willing to bet you said "To do their best and to have fun".

Excellent. These are the expectations you need to have for yourself.

What are the positives to coming 4th in the race?
What are the positives to coming to last?

Most say "There aren't any" - which reinforces the reasons for coming 1st!

They are 4th or 8th fastest. They may have achieved their best time.

The important part is, they are there to have fun and to do their best.

Just as they should be happy with their best, so should you.

Also, do you love them more if they come first?
Do you love them less if they come last?

Of course you don't. You love and accept them for who they are. In other words, you love the person, not the performance.

People love you for who you are, not for how you perform. If they love you for your performance, I suggest it is a very shallow relationship!

Practise being happy with your best.
Accept what you can and can't do.
If someone doesn't accept your best, they have the problem.
Do it for you, for the enjoyment.

This allows all the pressure and stress to disappear.

A Trait That Will Bring You Undone

When things go wrong, you have your own way of dealing with it.

The best, and most healthy way is through your own thinking. The problem is, we are seldom taught how to do this.

If you do not have the ability to help yourself through your own thinking, you may resort to drugs (prescribed and recreation), alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, exercise and perhaps self mutilation.

When all else fails and the emotional (or physical) pain gets too hard to handle, many take their own life.

Mark Priestly, a 32 year old actor who starred in an Australian production called "All Saints" recently took his life because of depression.

This shows no-one is immune to depression. Regardless of your age, colour and income, you are prone to this debilitating problem.

While I have covered this topic many times before, I want to cover a lesser known cause - one that is rarely associated with depression but one that has major consequences on how a person feels and processes their thinking.

This is one of the hardest emotions to recognise and deal with. Most who have it are in complete denial and are difficult to work with as clients.

This trait is: Perfectionism

While most clients who have the problem say they are not perfectionists, a quick test soon reveals they are. Here are some of the traits of a perfectionist:

• A need to be right/hate being wrong
  
• A need to win/hate losing
  
• Massive fear of failing
  
• All or nothing
  
• Can't handle constructive criticism (or any criticism)
  
• Very critical - of themselves and others
  
• Have a very high expectation on themselves to achieve. When these are not met, beat themselves up and wallow in their negative thinking.
  
• When a problem or fault is pointed out, they are in denial it exists.
  

This problem generally begins in childhood where the child goes through some sort of experience where they feel unloved, not good enough, a failure. They soon work out by doing well they receive lots of praise and "love". The better they perform, the more they receive. They then become obsessed with doing "perfect" as you can't get better than perfect.

I have had adolescent and teenage clients who won't play a game of sport unless they know they are going to win.

The bottom line is they are looking for acceptance and are totally geared to doing whatever it takes to achieve this.

When you place a high expectation on yourself to perform, you also place a huge amount of pressure on yourself. When under pressure, you are more prone to failure. This then leads to much stress. Not wanting to feel stressed (and seeing it as a weakness), you then have higher expectations and more pressure ... and so the wheel turns!

When there are no solutions to their "poor performance" and they beat themselves up, these people often suffer from severe depression and often want to end it all.

Do you place pressure on yourself to perform?

Do you hate losing/getting things wrong?

Are you a perfectionist?

If you are not sure, ask your partner or a family member to gain their insight.

If what you are currently doing is not working in your best interest, it's time to make a change.

As this is a long article, I have decided to cover how to overcome this problem of perfectionism in the next blog. Stay tuned!

The Number One Destroyer of Performance?

For the past two weeks I have been a keen viewer of the Olympic Games. I was interested for two main reasons:

* I'm a keen sports person and, as a schoolboy many years ago, I was lucky enough to go to a school that had us try as many sports as possible. This gave me a good knowledge on the skills that are required for each sport and allowed me to select the sports I loved. One such love was athletics.

* As I work in the self-development field, I'm keen to hear what motivates athletes and why they think they do well or why they perform poorly.
I noticed while most athletes had a great attitude before they competed, others began to feel the pressure.

This pressure may come from themselves, their team or their country. They feel, especially if they have performed well on the World stage previously, they have to perform well at the Olympics.

Pressure causes a person to "tighten up" physically and emotionally and their performance then suffers.

This can occur in your everyday life.


Do you place pressure on yourself to perform?

Do you place pressure on yourself to get things done?

Let me give you an excellent example of how this works. Imagine you are in a shopping mall and a person you met last week approaches you and says "Hello clive. We met last week". You remember their face but you can't remember their name.

You may well improvise and say "Yes, I remember. G'day Mate".

As the conversation continues, they constantly refer to you as "clive". You try as hard as you can to remember their name. It appears the harder you try, the less chance you have of remembering it.

Once the conversation ends and they walk away, you generally remember their name.

Why?

No pressure. You feel relaxed.

When you have to remember something, instead of putting pressure on yourself, tell yourself to relax. Tell yourself that what you need to remember will come to you quickly and easily.

If you have ever had your brain go blank during an exam, one reason this occurs is because you place pressure on yourself. Once you move onto another question, the answers to the previous questions come flooding in.

I have to say, this never happened to me in my final HSC Physics exam! Everything was blank - probably because I hadn't studied as much as I should and didn't know the answers!

Back to the Olympics. You may have noticed the athletes that performed well beyond expectation were often the ones who had nothing to lose (so there was no unreal expectations and no pressure).

One great example is Matthew Mitcham, the 20 year old Sydney diver who came from behind to win the 10 meter platform gold medal. To win the gold, he had to score over 108 points in his final dive. He achieved an Olympic first by scoring 112.10 points.

When asked what he was thinking just before his final dive, he said he told himself to enjoy the moment and to do his best.

Do You Listen To Others?

I recently watched an interview with Sonny Bill Williams - a 22 year old who has been in the news in Australia for breaking a 5-year contract to a team in Sydney to play another code of football in France (for a lot more money).

While I think Sonny Bill is a great player, I can't help but think he is confused and has been listening to another well-known ex-player who is renowned for controversy. The reason I say this is because:
(i) much of what Sonny Bill said in the interview were the words and tone this ex-player uses.
(ii) he says he loves rugby league more than anything else yet he has left it and will be unable to return to it at the highest level. Why would you leave something you truly love when there are other options?
(iii) he appeared confused when asked about the reasons he left.

There are a lot of reasons why I think he is confused - they are not the focus of this article.

While I like Sonny Bill, I'm wondering how "worldly" one can be when making life decisions at 22 years of age.

This got me thinking about how many people do something similar. In other words, do they get the help that is best for them?

Jane, I'd like to take this concept and relate it to your life.

Do you listen to the advice others give you without question?

Do you tell others what they should be doing?

For example, "I would buy that if I was you" and "Go get another job".

Just as you can tell others what they should be doing, others can be telling you what to do. I often hear clients tell me that a relative or another professional has told them to leave their partner because they are not happy in that relationship or their partner has had an affair.

People often take the advice because they don't want to disappoint the advisor.

When people give advice, they do so with the aim of helping. The problem is, the advice they give is what they would do in that situation. And lets face it, it's easy to tell someone else what to do.

Many of the people I consult are happy to give advice but, when they are in a similar situation, they fail to take their own advice.

If you would like to help someone, let go of the need to tell them what to do. Instead, give them options.

As an example, when someone consults with me because their partner has had an affair, I ask them what is their ideal result. If they don't know, I give them possible options. If they want to stay with their partner, we discuss ways to make this happen.

It is important that the client's needs are met. It is important that whoever you are trying to help is able to make the best decision for them. Your role is not to make that decision; it is to help them make that decision.

If you have to do what others say without question, I would suggest you feel a little insecure and have a big need to impress them. It is important for you to make a decision that is right for you. Gather all the information you can - perhaps through asking others - to help you make the best decision. Remember, what others say is what they would do in that situation - and this may not be what you would like to do.

Are You A Good Conversationalist?

It was a 40th Birthday party. I was introduced to a gentleman who had just returned from France.

I began asking what he did in France and he said he was over there on a wine study tour. I've heard about them! He began telling me about the French wines, how they are made and why they are so good.

With a background in agriculture and having had the odd wine, I was interested in what he knew and asked lots of questions. After around 40 minutes, I had run out of questions when another man joined the conversation. He, too, asked about the man's trip to France so I excused myself and moved on.

The person who was celebrating the 40th Birthday later told me his friend from France had commented I was a great person to talk to. This amazed me as all I did was listen and ask questions.

I learnt two things that night. How easy it is to impress people and how many people get so involved in themselves, they forget about the person with whom they are having a conversation.

His remark "... a great person to talk to" summed it up. He spoke "to" me, not "with" me.

As another example, I recently walked away from a 30 minute conversation where I found out the name of the other person, what they did for a living, where they lived, all about their family, their favourite music and their hobbies. The irony was, they walked away without even asking my name or anything about me. It was 100% one way.

Maybe you know some people like this? Once you run out of questions to ask, they are hard work as all they want to do is talk about themselves.

What I have learnt is, to be a great conversationalist, listen intently to what people say and ask questions relating to their topic of interest or themselves.

People love talking about themselves, their pains and what they have accomplished.

While you may eventually find them boring, they will like you.

If you have trouble getting a conversation going, the following may help:

1. Avoid asking questions that require a one or two-word answer like "Yes", "No", "Don't know". For example, "Have you had a good day?" "Yes". "Been busy?" "Not really". If they are not into conversation, it can die very quickly.
   

2. Ask questions that are open-ended. These require them to give an expanded answer. "What music do you love?" "What do you like best about your new car?" "Tell me about the work you do".

Occasionally, you will meet someone who, when asked an open-ended question will constantly reply with something like "Not Much". You can either search for a topic they are interested in - you may even ask "What are you interested in?" or, if you continue to get two worded answers, it may be time to move on and find someone who is interested in speaking with you.

People who only speak about themselves (and are not interested in you) or who fail to keep a conversation going are often very insecure. One gains security by peaking about themselves while the other feels so insecure it is better to say next to nothing.

It's easy to think these people are not interested in you and to take their lack of participation personally. Don't. So long as you are working on making conversation, any lack of it from them is their problem.

The best conversation occurs between two or more people who listen intently, ask good questions and keep the conservation going. This works best when both of you show interest in each other. Find a topic you are both interested in and the conversation can last for hours.

Whether you are shy, withdrawn or the life of the party, you, too, can be a good conversationalist.

Your Ego May Be Costing You

Last month I wrote how my last book "Think Yourself Slim" has been taken off the market. While I had done my homework and checked on the Internet and with a bookshop that there was no other book of this title, I still came undone.

In fact, I was surprised that a fellow author was able to Trademark a book title similar to mine 6 months after mine was released. I was also surprised the Trademark people had allowed him to Trademark a book title - especially when their guidelines say you are only allowed to Trademark a book title if it is like a "Harry Potter" with other merchandise attached to the name. This other author is not a "Harry Potter".

The Trademark guidelines also states you are not allowed to Trademark common words. I would have thought "Think", "Yourself" and "Slim" were common words!

While I spent a lot of money fighting this, I reached a point where I had to make a decision on whether I kept going. It became a ‘this author' versus ‘me' battle and I see they weren't about to give in.

So, why am I telling you?

Good question!

Have you ever been in a ‘battle' with someone? It may be a relative or a friend. It may be a business - like a shop where you have purchased something.

You are at loggerheads with this person/business because you think you are right and they are wrong. You may have purchased something from a business and they refuse to exchange it. A family member may have taken something they are not entitled to or done something you don't agree with.

The battle can become nasty. It is ‘tick-for-tack'. You may even say "I'm not going to give in. I don't care what it takes, they're not going to win. I know I'm right".

In my personal coaching business, I have seen relationships and friendships destroyed over the need to win the battle. I have seen people lose a lot of money (and, on many occasions, their health) because they refused to concede. This is particularly true when relationships break-up.

Their ego became so BIG, it was ‘win at all costs' - and there generally is a cost. A well-known phrase that best describes this is "You win the war but lost the battle". So, even if you win, you still lose. It's still going to cost you in some way.

Many a couple going through divorce have lost everything because of their need to win at all costs. The only people who have won are the solicitors and the real estate people.

In my personal example, I placed a ceiling on the amount of money I was prepared to spend. I knew, whatever I spent, I would not get back - regardless of whether I won or lost. It was gone forever to my solicitors. I knew the same held true for this other author.

When the time arrived and I had to cough up thousands of more dollars, I knew I could release a new book for this new sum and have some money left over. I wasn't attached to the title, and, the more I tested other titles, the more convinced I was that it was time to concede.

I wish the other author well and I am now on a new journey.

Do you know when to pull out of the battle?

Do you know when it is time to say "Enough is enough"? It takes a far bigger person to concede, knowing they will eventually ‘win'. The cost of the lost money and your health is not worth the satisfaction of saying "I won but lost everything that is important to me".

Your ego can get you into a lot of trouble.

Develop the ability to know when to let go.

Having Trouble Saying "No"?

Have you ever had trouble saying "No" when asked to do something?

A lot of people do. They are obsessed with saying "Yes" to everything they are asked to do.

So, why do people hate saying "No"?

The main reason is they don't want to offend the other person. They want this person to think highly of them and to like them.

The problem is, always saying "Yes" produces some hardship. It means the person saying "yes" seldom gets to do what they want. This, in turn, produces a feeling of frustration.

On the other hand, some people say "No" bluntly and have little concern or feeling for the other person.

There is middle ground.

When asked to do something you don't want to do or can't do, respond by saying " I'm sorry, I am unable to do it today, because .... However, I am able to do it tomorrow (or at a time that suits)".

For example, when asked to baby-sit a friend's children, "I'm unable to do it tonight because we are going out to a 21st birthday party. However, I can do it tomorrow evening or at the weekend."

This shows your friend that you are willing to baby-sit. It's just the time doesn't suit. A blunt "No, I can't" is interpreted as you are not willing to help out - ever!

Think of when you ask someone to do something and they say "No, I can't". You seldom feel like asking them again. (In some circumstances, you may feel that is good!!)

Quite often, the person asking you will not be happy with you saying you are unable to help them out tonight and continue to place pressure on you to say "Yes". And they will know from past experience, if they hassle you long enough, you will eventually give in and say "Yes".

When this occurs, repeat the above and offer them names of others who may be able to help out. For example, "I'm unable to do it tonight because we are going out to a 21st birthday party. Give Joan, Maddie or Simone a call and see if they can help you out for tonight".

This shows you are doing your best to help.

If you have been a "Yes" person for a long time, the person asking you to baby-sit may begin to put the "guilts" on you by saying "You don't care about me missing out on this function" or "You're really selfish".

Both are manipulating statements issued to coerce you into doing what they want.

If they don't accept your reason and continue to make you feel guilty, who is the selfish one?

They are, because they are only thinking about themselves and have no consideration for you and what you would like to do. You, on the other hand, are considering both yourself and them.

It's not your problem they are unable to get a babysitter. Your position is to help, if possible. If one of their children needed to go to the emergency ward at the hospital, you may deem this to be more important than the 21st birthday and decide to help them out.

Learn to be strong and say "No" where applicable.

You are entitled to a life, too.