Everyone Experiences Depression

Research shows more and more young children are being prescribed antidepressants.

Is this a concern or are people taking the easy way out?

One thing I do know, people on antidepressants seldom look at the cause of their depression. This means they do not have the ability (the life skills) to deal with the situation. The problems will thus persist.

Statistics show around one in four people will suffer from depression. For this to be a statistic, these are the people who have sought help and been placed on medication.

Think of how many people suffer in silence. From what I know of depression (from personally having experienced it and from helping people overcome it), every person will experience depression at some time in their life. Most of these will not seek help and will try and work their way through it.

If they do, great. If they don't, there is a chance things will get worse and they may even develop suicidal thoughts.

While there are a lot of definitions of depression, mine is simple. Depression is having a problem to which there is no solution.

Some common examples are:
The loss of a loved one - either through death or a relationship break-up. You want the person back but it is not going to happen.

Financial problems. Your expenses are greater than your income and you see no way of changing this.

Loss of job. You do not have a job and are unable to get one. As the pennies dry up, you need a job but it is not happening.

Being teased. When you are being teased or bullied, it is difficult to find a satisfactory solution.

Poor marks. With the Year 12 final exams approaching, many students become depressed because they haven't done the study and fear they will fail. They feel they have left their run too late and think no amount of study is going to fix the problem.

Suffering from some debilitating illness. You may be in constant pain, suffer from anxiety or panic attacks or suffer from some fear that stops you from enjoying life - like claustrophobia or agoraphobia. You may even have a complaint you can't get rid of or a terminal illness.

Stuck in a situation. You may be in a relationship or job that you intensely dislike and feel you are in a no-win situation. You don't want to stay but feel you can't get out.

You can probably think of many other examples.

So, how many people experience these problems and others? Everyone, at some point in their life.

All of the above put you in a no-win situation. You feel like you are "going in circles", "chasing your tail", "beating your head against a brick wall". While there is no solution, you feel down and may become frustrated, angry and tired. You may feel a sense of hopelessness and associated symptoms. As things become worse, you begin to spiral in a downwards direction.

The further down you go, the blacker things appear to be. This is why depression is often referred to as "the black hole".

There are different depths of depression, from light to deep. The deeper you go, the more work you have to do to get out (and the harder it can be).

Sometimes one event may cause depression; sometimes there are many. I often consult with clients who say "I feel depressed and I don't know why". This often means there is not one thing that stands out. Once we identify all the problems in that person's life that do not have a solution, we begin to see how the depression begins to add up. In other words, one thing by itself is not a problem; five things added together are.

Sometimes things like poor self esteem (hating yourself) and a lack of purpose or direction in life are the cause. Or it may be you have very high expectations of yourself and you are not achieving the result you want.

If you find you are suffering an emotional "down" feeling, identify all your problems that do not have a solution. If you are unable to find a solution, it is important to seek professional help.

If you are having problems with this, please feel free to contact us at clive@clivemurphy.com or give us a call on 02 6921 6373 (or +61 2 6921 6373 for overseas callers).

I Need Your Help

Two of my speciality topics are self esteem and confidence. I have come from having zero of each and have discovered a way to gain both very very quickly. All the counselling and self help books I read had little effect. I embarked on a course to help myself.

And I did. What I discovered changed my life - and almost instantly. I applied my concept to helping others deal with such problems as depression, drug abuse, violence, weight disorders, obsessive compulsive problems, anxiety and feeling a victim. The results, in most cases, have been amazing. So much so that I have decided to make it available to a bigger audience.

I'm about to put together a new product relating to self esteem and confidence. To ensure I help people in the best possible way, I need your help.

If you could spend five minutes with me and ask any two questions on this topic, what would they be? What information would you most like to know about self esteem and confidence that could help you or a loved one?

Send me an email at clive@clivemurphy.com

Thank you for your help.

Change, the Way of Today

How do you go when things have to change?

Are you able to embrace it or do you resist it?

This may be change associated with work, with Government or it may be associated with the purchase of some technical equipment - like a new computer or television. Change may involve a new way of doing something (like changing a golf swing or the night the bins are put out to be collected), a belief (like changing the way you think about something) or it may be a forced change (like something new at work or an imposed tax).

Embracing change is one of the more popular topics businesses are now asking me to speak to their team about.

From what I see, most people resist change to some degree. It means going outside their comfort zone to do something they are not comfortable with. When this occurs, they may:

• Avoid change
  
• Hope it goes away
  
• Hope it doesn't last and things return to the way they used to be
  
• Question it - "Why do I have to do it?"
  
• Reluctantly do it
  
• Complain about it
  
• Stuff up - so they don't have to do it
  
• Hope someone else does it

The fact is, the world is changing an ever-increasing rate. We can't stop that. We have a choice whether we keep up or fall behind.

Thank about:

• How many people owned a computer in 1990, 2000 and today.
  
• Who used the Internet in 1996? Today?
  
• How many people had a mobile phone in 1990? Today?

Change involves going from the "known" to the "unknown". Going into the unknown often involves fear - the fear that the new change will not work, that you will come out worse in some way.

To combat the unknown, see if you can make it known. Research that new job or business to ensure you will like it and it stands an excellent chance of working out. Research that new home to ensure you will like it and you are not buying solely on emotion.

Accept what has to be and make it work for you. As I said in a past newsletter, when a situation arises that you do not like, you have some choices:

• embrace it and make it work for you (make the best of what you have),
  
• change it so you are happy (good luck in changing it!) or
  
• let it work against you (resist it).

When the Government introduces a new fee or work introduces a new work practice - think about your choices. If you fear you are going to be worse off, research it to see if you will be. If you are, back to your three choices.

Change is here to stay. Will you embrace it, ignore it or resist it?

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

How to Make Your Relationship "Magical"

In my last newsletter, I covered how many people get into a relationship for the wrong reasons - read it here - and how there is a big difference between loving and needing someone.

When you "need" someone, you have to have a person in your life to meet a particular need. The need being met takes preference over the person. That is, the need being met is more important than the person meeting the need.

For example, the person who hates being lonely or feeling rejected will readily accept a person who shows interest in them as this other person will "fix" the problem. Well, for a while anyway.

It is important to be in a relationship with a person because of who the person is, not because they are a meal ticket or make you look good in front of your friends.

In the Jerry Maguire movie (with Tom Cruise), the "You complete me" is total nonsense. Nobody else completes who you are. You complete who you are.

This is the key to you being a great person and to you enjoying a "magical" relationship. To make yourself "whole", you work on yourself (to become the best person you can) and overcome your insecurities. This has two benefits:

First, you sort yourself out before entering a relationship - and especially if you have come out of a bad one or a bad break-up. It's futile taking baggage into the next one.

Second, it is important to give unconditional love. Unconditional love means "giving love without expecting or needing any in return".

This means you have to be so full of love for who you are as a person (not in an egotistical way but in a "real" way) that you don't need someone to love you.

As the old saying goes "You can only give what you have got". If you don't have it for yourself, you are unable to give it. It's like money. If you are the manufacturer of it, you can continue to give it without needing it back. When you give, you simply make some more to replace it.

When you are not the maker but the earner of money, you can only give what you have. If you don't have it, you can't give it.

While many say they have heaps of love to give, it is "Conditional" as they give it with the hope someone will give it back to them.

The number one person you need to have a relationship with, is - yourself. The greater this relationship, the greater will be your relationship with another person.

As an exercise, make a list of the reasons why you are loveable - or why you are a great person?

How many points do you have?

I suggest if there is less than 20, you have some work to do.

If you would like to see what makes a great a relationship and how yours stands up, please feel free to complete my Relationship Questionnaire.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us or read "Creating A Magical Relationship".

Why Do People Get Into a Relationship?

In a relationship coaching session, I often ask "Why are you in this relationship?"

A common response is "It beats the hell out of living all by myself".

Oops. Not a good response. Think of the consequences of this statement. At this point in time the session usually goes from bad to worse and it takes a lot of work to get it back.

I find many people get into a relationship for the wrong reasons. They do so to overcome loneliness, the pain of rejection, the need for companionship, the need for sex, the need to feel wanted, the need for financial security and the need to satisfy the ego. One client is in his fourth marriage and has never spent more than a week by himself since he started dating at 17 years of age. Virtually before one relationship ends, he is into the next.

Let's examine each of these needs:

(i) The need to overcome loneliness. As the person hates being by themselves, they look for a mate, any mate that shows interest, to help overcome the problem. As the saying goes "Someone is better than no-one".

(ii) The need to overcome the pain of rejection. When a person feels rejection, they feel so devastated the only way to overcome this is to find another partner. This gets their mind off the hurt - and does so even more if the ex has a new partner.

(iii) The need for companionship. It feels terrible going to parties or out to dinner all by oneself. Some people say their partner is their best friend. I have had a lot of best friends and never married any of them! Your relationship partner needs to be more than your best friend.

(iv) The need for sex. Sometimes a person gets into a relationship because the sex is great. They often fall in love with the sex rather than the person. As a side note - this problem occurs with both men AND women. There are some well known people who are constantly in the media with this problem!

(v) The need to feel wanted. When a person feels wanted or needed, they feel loved. They know they are an asset.

(vi) The need for financial security. They view their partner as able to give them the lifestyle they like or would like. Hence the term, "She/he only married them for their money".

(vii) The need to satisfy the ego. This is a relationship based predominantly on looks. They love something physically about their partner and they often love the admiration bestowed on their partner by others.

A good example of the above is "internet dating". Many tell me they are in love without even meeting their partner! I wouldn't call it ‘love'; it is more like ‘lust'.

While the seven points above are the reasons some people get into a relationship, they are also the reasons why some people stay in a "bad" relationship.

All these make it very difficult for the relationship to succeed.

I consult with many who have separated with children under 5 years of age. They say they have "grown apart" or "no longer get on".

There is a major difference between "love" and "need". One is "giving" and the other is "taking". When you "need" something from the relationship, you become a "taker" - and this can work well so long as your partner is prepared to "give".

This is a huge topic and I have endeavoured to get you thinking about your relationship. In the next newsletter, I will discuss how you can "give" to make your relationship magical.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

Who Makes You Happy?

A well known quote by Abraham Lincoln:

"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Re-written, this says "You are as happy as you decide to be".

When I say this at a seminar, I often get one or two people saying "That's not true". They will back this statement up with "It might be true for you because you work in this area" and "You haven't been through what I've been through". I then ask them what they have been through and I hear about a life that is full of negative experiences.

The fact is, everyone goes through a bad life experience. I consult with people every day who have suffered in some way. I get to hear a lot of life stories - some of which are very gruesome and sad.

My role is to help them deal with this.

In my last newsletter (read it here), I wrote about how things went wrong for us in January and how we dealt with those experiences in a positive way.

Happiness is created by a decision. A decision made by you.

You have a choice as to how and what you think. The problem is, most people do not think about it. They accept whatever enters their mind instead of taking control for what they would like to be thinking.

If you want to be happy, create happy thoughts and do the things that make you happy. If you are doing something that makes you unhappy, either change what you are doing or change your attitude to it.

If you have been through some traumatic experience, learn how to deal with it. How can you make that experience work for you, how can you come out of it better off, what can you learn from that experience to make you a better person?

Just before I got into the self development area, I was rejected out of a relationship by a lady who said the previous week that she loved me dearly. The emotional pain I suffered was so great I was admitted to hospital with chest pains. I made the decision I never wanted to go through that experience again and so began my quest to find a better life.

Twenty-one years later I am now married to the most wonderful lady (Julie) and life is great. I have turned it around through studying the human mind, taking control of how I feel and resolving my past conflicts.

Just as I have created happiness in my life, so too can you. Just as my clients do it, so too can you.

There are thousands of books, cd's, dvd's and seminars showing you how to achieve happiness.

The thing to remember is: You are as happy as you decide to be.

How happy do you want to be? You do have a choice.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

When a Loved One Dies

In the last newsletter, I covered the choices you have when some thing goes wrong. You can either:

1. Change the event, or
   
2. Change your attitude to the event.

While this may be easy for some events, it is more difficult for others. One of the hardest things to deal with is the death of a loved one. This may be a family member, a friend, a famous person or it may be a pet (many people get very attached to them).

Death is something that affects every person. The loss of a loved one one can leave people feeling devastated and depressed. They can have disbelief and denial that their friend has died. This is often followed by anger and eventually acceptance. Some grieve for months while others grieve for years. Everyone will handle it differently.

A question I am often asked is "Is there a good way?"

With every event that occurs there is both a positive and a negative side. People are conditioned to focus on the negative. They focus on what they are missing, what is not there and how they will come out of something worse off. The positive person focuses on what they do have, what is going right and how they can make the best of what they have.

When someone dies, it is natural to focus on what you don't have, how this person is no longer here and what you are missing. Focusing on this will produce more of the same. And where is this going to get you? Emotionally further down.

Instead of grieving "the loss of ...", think about celebrating "the life of ...". Think of:

• all the good times you have had together.

• the special times you have had and things you have done together.

• how lucky you have been to have had this person in your life.

• what they have taught you and how better off you are for this wisdom.

Accept they have passed away. You cannot physically bring them back. You can mentally. They will always be in that photo album in your head. How do you want to remember them?

To take this a step further, imagine for a moment you have died. As you look down on your loved ones, what do you want them doing and thinking? Do you want them (i) grieving or (ii) moving forward?

How would you like to be remembered - for (i) passing over and leaving them, or (ii) the great times you had together?

Just as the (ii) answers are the best for what you would want for those you left behind, it is what those who have passed would like you to do.

Remembering those you love for the good times, empowers you. And isn't this what they would want?

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.