Why Won’t You Talk To Me?

I often hear one family member ask another family member this question.

It may be a parent speaking to a child or a spouse speaking with their partner. One person is looking for answers while the other is reluctant to speak. The result is often frustration for both. The person asking the questions is not getting any answers while the person being asked the questions thinks they are being pressured to talk. This person then withdraws, making it even more frustrating for the person asking the question.


How do you overcome this problem?
1. Identify it is important to communicate. Good communication gives understanding which in turn gives peace of mind.

Communication allows you to share ideas and experiences, to sort out problems and to make others aware of what you think and what you are doing.

Without good communication, your relationship with others becomes difficult.

2. Do you have the skills to be able to communicate? I often consult with people who say “I have never been taught how to say what I feel or what I am thinking”.

If you don’t know how to communicate, learn the necessary skills. Some key skills are to be able to say what you are thinking in a nice way and to be able to LISTEN. This means giving the speaker your whole attention and processing what they are saying.

Your body language will soon let the speaker know whether you are listening. Watching television while someone is speaking is not listening – to them!!

3. Is there something stopping you from communicating? The most common blockage is fear.

This can be fear of:
- Saying the wrong thing,
- How others will perceive what you say,
- Being ridiculed,
- Being put down,
- Not being listened to,
- Your opinion is not valued – so why say anything.


I was working with a married couple. She complained her husband never had an opinion and wouldn’t say what was on his mind. When I asked him for his take on things, he began to tell me his side of the story.

She immediately interjected with “That’s not right” and proceeded to tell me what was right. Every time he spoke, she overpowered him. He had learnt it was easier to say nothing than to say something and be screamed down.

If you want people to say what they feel, give them the space to do so without casting judgement. We learn quickly what gives us pleasure and what creates pain. People will only communicate if there is pleasure to be gained.

Children (and adults) will not tell the truth or say anything if they feel they are going to get into trouble or if what they say is going to be used against them.

How are your communication skills?

Do you let others have their say or are you constantly interrupting, overpowering or judging them?

Do you listen effectively or are you often preoccupied with your thoughts or what is going on around you?