Why Do People Lie?

This is a question I am often asked - mostly by parents and by partners in a relationship.

Children who tell fibs often drive their parents "nuts" as they need to know the truth. Children often lie about what they are going to do, what they have done and who they did it with.

In relationships, when one or both partners lie, trust is eliminated instantly and it may take a long time to get it back, if ever. Partners often lie about why they are late home, who they have been with and what they have been doing. When a partner can't be trusted, the other partner begins to check everything they say and do to make sure they are being told the truth.

Telling a lie has a benefit. It generally means you won't get into trouble.

We learn from a very young age that which is going to give us the most pleasure and the most pain. Our parents can ask "Who did that?"

We answer, naively, "I did" and we suffer pain in some way - maybe in the form of a sore bottom! Not liking that, the next time our parents say "Who did that?" we answer "He did" and point to our brother - who then receives the pain. Beauuutiful.

So, why do people tell lies?

1. It saves them from getting into trouble and helps them to get out of trouble. When asked "Where have you been?" it is easier to tell a lie and please the person asking the question than to tell the truth and wear the consequences.

2. They don't want to hurt another person. If they tell the truth, they know the other person will not be able to deal with it. This may lead to a heated argument or much larger consequences so it is easier to say something that pleases.

3. It makes them feel good and to impress others. A person may tell a lie by embellishing a story. They may say they ran the 10 kilometre fun run in 40 minutes when they really did it in 55 minutes. The lie makes them look like a star athlete.

4. To get their own way. "The teacher said I had no homework", "My boss said I had to work late", "The doctor said I wasn't allowed to go on the trip".

You may think it is good if you get away with it. As my Dad used to say, the problem with lying is, you need to have a great memory.

If you tell a lie, you will eventually get caught out.

Some people are chronic liars to the point where they have no idea as to what is the truth and what is a lie. They even convince themselves the lie is the truth.

Is It Good To Tell Lies?

While you may see lying as bad, it may have some positives: like when children are confronted by a stranger - it may pay for them to lie to keep themself safe. Sometimes people lie so they don't offend - when the hostess asks what you thought of the meal, you might say "That was a beautiful meal, thank you".

These are more of what we call "white lies" or little lies.

In the main, telling lies will create hurt and is a major trust problem. Think about it, if someone tells you a lie, how long does it take for you to trust them again?

In relationships, things like lying about not having an affair and getting found out is totally toxic and often creates total mistrust. One client, who was having an affair, got really upset when her boyfriend checked her phone to see who was calling her. The more she lied, the less trust he had and the more he checked up on her, the more she hated it.

It is important to tell the truth and be honest.

Are you totally honest?

If you have trouble with someone telling lies, please get in contact with us.