Get to Know Yourself

In my last newsletter, I wrote about how words reveal what you and others are thinking. If you missed it, you can read it here - "Words That Reveal What You Think".

When I ask clients to list their good traits, they often say:

"I suppose I'm a kind person".
"I think I'm a good worker".
"I believe I'm good to others".

What's wrong with these descriptions?

There are two major problems.

I covered one problem in the last newsletter - being the 2nd word in each sentence.

Can you spot the second problem?

The description is vague.

When people say "I'm a good person", I ask "In what way?"

They mostly respond with "I don't know! I just am".

This means they have come up with a good meaning word ("good") to describe themselves but have no idea what that word means.

Result: they are trying to convince themselves they are a good person.

It's easy to say "I'm a good person" or "I'm a good worker" and it will most likely impress others. Problem is, by impressing others, they are trying to impress themselves.

This also applies when clients describe what they love about their partner in a relationship.

When asked what they like, the common response is "They're great".

"I don't know what you mean by ‘great'. Can you please define it?"

"Umm. You know. They're really nice".

It's important to know - specifically - why they are nice.

Action Plan

Define what a "good person", a "good worker" or a "kind person" is.

What are their traits? Be very specific.

Once you know your definition of a "good person", then the statement "I am a good person" means everything to you.

Here's some homework:

1. What sort of person are you? How would you describe yourself?

2. What are your good traits? Make a list.

I'll cover how to be a great person in the next newsletter.

Good luck.

Words That Reveal What You Think

One of the questions I ask many of my clients is:

"What are your good points?"

While the most common response is "Oh, I don't know. I haven't got many", some do come up with a few.

What I notice is how they describe themselves.

"I suppose I'm a kind person".
"I think I'm a good worker".
"I believe I'm good to others".

What's wrong with these descriptions?

There are two major problems. I'll cover one now and one in the next newsletter.

The first problem is the 2nd word to each sentence.

Here are four words:

Hope
Think
Believe
Know

... And you can place "Suppose" up the top there.

Of the above four words, which one is the most important?

Let me give you an example. Imagine I owe you $5,000. Which statement would you prefer to hear?

"I hope I can pay you back"
"I think I can pay you back"
"I believe I can pay you back"
"I know I can pay you back"

Obviously, the last one.

It is definite, certain. The higher we go up the list, the more uncertain things become. "I hope I can pay you back" is very uncertain whereas "I think I can pay you back" is more certain.

What you say describes what you are thinking.

"I think I'm a good person" reveals you are very uncertain about this. "I know I'm a good person" is total certainty.

The same applies to when you, or another person, says things like "I think I can do it", "I hope I can make that appointment" and "I believe that's right".

Action Plan

Become aware of when you use hope, think, believe and know. Change what you say to "I know ..." or to making a statement that involves certainty.

If someone else is using uncertain words, ask them what part they are unsure of or what has to happen for it to become certain. For example, when someone says "I think I can do it", you know they are very doubtful. To overcome this, you may like to ask "What part are you unsure of?" to gain some clarity.

Good luck and let us know your thoughts.

What's Going Right In Life?

Let The Journey Begin ...

I've spent the past 20 years studying the power of the mind and human behaviour. I've also studied some of the world's best in personal development to come up with how to achieve the best from life.

Some of the most important things I've learnt have come from helping clients solve their life problems. As the old saying goes: By helping others, you are also helping yourself.

Over the next few newsletters I plan to help you to achieve more from your life.

This is our year for achieving. The year for getting results.

So, let's begin the journey ...

First, make a list of what is going right in your life.

How many things can you think of?

When I ask my clients what is going right, the common response is "Not Much".

When I ask what is going wrong, there are many items on the list.

This indicates they are giving more energy to what they don't have and what is going wrong than to what they do have and what is going right.

Let me help you out with your list of what's going right.

Write down:

• 5 things you love about each member of your family
  
• 5 things you love about each of your friends
  
• 5 things you love about your job
  
• 5 things you like about your car (even if it is an old bomb - it has a roof to keep the weather out, windscreen wipers to clear the rain, heater, air conditioning, seats, a glove box, boot to store things, etc)
  
• what's working well in your body - arms, legs, eyes, nose, etc. Some people do not have all of these
  
• everything you own. Do a stock take on each room in your home, garage and garden. Itemise each thing. Number of shoes, utensils and shirts. This also helps with your Home and Contents Insurance!
  
• your investments. What are the assets you own?
  
• the people who are helping you to achieve - like financial planners and coaches.

Now I'm willing to bet, especially after writing a list of all you own, there are hundreds, if not thousands of things on your list. These are all things that are assets to you. They are in your life because they serve a function.

Now you have more things going right than going wrong. When things start to go wrong, read your list and focus on what you do have and the thing going wrong may just pale into insignificance.

For example, when something doesn't work out, I focus on what a great family I have, our awesome home and the things we are able to do. Instantly, the thing not working out has no significance. It no longer matters in comparison.

Action Plan

As this is the year to achieve, make your list of what is going right, what is happening and what you do own.

Put it in a safe place so you can regularly review it.

Importantly, you now become grateful for what is in your life. Gratitude means you attract more of the same.

Do You Have Good Will-Power?

In my last newsletter I wrote about managing your time. You can read the article here.

One of my subscribers - Bobby Huddleston - pointed out that in order to manage time, it is important to manage self.

And this is so true. If you are unable to manage yourself, you will have much difficulty managing time and every other part of your life.

What you do, think and say is very much determined by how much self-control you have.

A recent client who consulted with me to Quit Smoking told me she had no will power.

What she meant was, she has no will power to quit smoking. She certainly had the will power to smoke.

Being the New Year, there is a good chance you have made some New Year's resolutions. The most common are to "Quit Smoking", "Lose some weight" and "To get fit".

Research shows most people fail on their resolutions within two weeks of setting them.

While resolutions are the same as Goals, there are a number of reasons why people never achieve them. Some reasons include:

(i) The end result is not defined.
(ii) There is no defined starting or finishing time.
(iii) There is no specific plan in place on how they are going to achieve their goal.
(iv) The resolution is a good idea but they don't have the motivation to achieve it.
(v) Results are not monitored.
(vi) Getting the result is too hard.
(vii) It's a "hope" or "wish" and they don't have the time or energy to put into achieving it.

Resolutions like "To lose weight", "Be healthier" and "To cut back on alcohol" are too wishy washy and will never be achieved. "To lose weight" can mean 1kg or 10kg and also indicates there is no plan in place on how to achieve it. "To be more healthy", "get fitter", "drink less caffeine" and "be more conscientious" mean nothing, as they are not defined. To "quit smoking" is good because it is definite but it needs to have a completion date to it.

To achieve your goal, you need will power. This is determined by how keen you are to achieve your goal. The keener you are, the more will power you will have.

Whenever we have a task to complete, our brain weighs up the positives and the negatives to achieving it. Because we run on energy (and feelings are energy), when we like something, we feel good and emotionally "pull it closer". When we hate something, we emotionally "push it away".

As an example: You have decided to get fit. Tomorrow you are bouncing out of bed at 6:00am and going for an hours walk. At this point, you are "all fired up" with lots of will power. The good feelings are, say, 50 units of energy; the bad feelings 10 units (after all, you haven't been for a good walk for some time!).

The alarm goes off at 6:00am the next morning. You feel tired. The bed is so cozy. You now have 50 units of energy saying "Stay in bed" and 10 units saying "C'mon sleepy head. Out of bed. Time to pound the pavement."

Result: back to sleep with the promise you will start tomorrow!

To have good will power to achieve your goal, write down:

• How important your goal is to you - and "why".
• Define your end result with specific detail.
• A thorough plan - step-by-step - on how you are going to achieve your goal.
• The benefits of achieving it - how good it feels, what it means to you.

Whenever you lose will power, revisit this list as the information should help you get back on track.

Good luck and let me know how you go!

Handling Arguments

How do you handle an argument - especially with a loved one?

Do you fight to the end?
Never give in?
Give in and stew on it?
Say things you will later regret?
Resent them for not listening?
Resolve the conflict?
Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with it.

In most cases, people have a need to be right so continue with the argument until they "beat the other person into submission".

When two fail to resolve their differences, they generally hold resentment for the other. Resentment often leads to anger because their needs are not being met.

Once people get "steamed up", they will often say hurtful things in order to "win" the argument. Things they will later regret.

What is amazing is how some people demonstrate how they love someone.

Yelling, being hurtful, degrading and being physically violent are funny ways of showing love!

The people they hurt the most are those that are closest to them. They somehow have this belief the loved one will tolerate what they say and do.

What it does in reality is place a large strain on that relationship.

When you hold some form of resentment, you are focusing on what you don't like and how your needs are not being met. Because this is getting all your attention, you then begin to attract similar situations.


The Solution

Two ways of overcoming arguments and disagreements:

1. Let go of the need to be right and look for a solution that is best for your relationship or the family.

Hanging on to the need to be right means you are selfish as you are only thinking of yourself. When you enter a relationship, you now have your partner to consider. Add children, ad you now have to consider them as well.

2. When you have a disagreement with someone, especially if it is someone you love, ask yourself:

"What do I most want right now in this situation?"

Do you want to be at war with this person or do you want to be a friend or be in love with them?

The answer to this will determine what happens thereafter!

If you would like to be at war, go for it. Just be aware of the consequences.

If you want to be a friend or in love them, say something like: "Let's find a solution that suits us both. After all, you are my best friend and I want us to be happy together".

What you say and do impacts on others. Be careful with what you say, think and do.

When you argue or disagree, someone has to break the deadlock. Let it be you.

Not only will you benefit from the result, others will also.

Obituary to Common Sense

I have never done this before. I have included an article that wasn't written by me - in fact, I have no idea who the author is.

What I do know is, this is a very true piece of information. If you have consulted with me, you'll know I'm big on getting back to basics and keeping things simple.

This was sent to me and I feel so strongly about it, I am including it here. It is called ...

Obituary to Common Sense

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 



He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. 



Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge). 



His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 



Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 



Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. 



Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 



Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.



Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone."

I'll bet you have a story or two to tell where common sense has been abandoned. I see it every day - especially with the legal system and custody of children after separation. I also see it with the rights children have been told they have!

As the old saying goes: "The problem with common sense is, it is not that common".

Let us re-invent it.

Let's get back to some basics and let common sense rule. If enough people start doing it, it will eventually be re-born so the majority live by it.

We would love to know your thoughts.

Describe Yourself

Most people suffer without realizing the reasons "why". They continue with the same thinking wondering why they continue to receive the same result.

I often consult with someone who continually makes bad choices with who they have a relationship with, the job they get or their financial status.

Their thinking, unbeknown to them, determines what they receive.

As an example, allow me to test you on the following:

1. Are you healthy?
2. Are you wealthy?
3. Are you slim/athletic?
4. Do you see yourself as a good person?
5. Do you see yourself as old?
6. Are you honest?

How did you go? How many "Yeses" do you have?

For the questions you answered "Yes" to, now answer the question with a "because ..." at the end. For example, "I am wealthy because ..."

If you have hesitated in answering the question, I would suggest you are not seeing yourself in the said state. This has a great effect on what you achieve.

I was working with a man who wanted to stop gambling. While he was earning $850 a week in wages, he was gambling on average $350 a week. My testing revealed he needed to earn $2,400 a week to feel financially good. He immediately saw why he had the need to gamble.

I asked him: "Are you wealthy?"
"No" he replied. "I just earn enough to get by".

Think about his statement. He's not wealthy and he just earns enough. What is the vision that gives you?

If he does not see himself as wealthy, he must see himself as poor. This is reinforced by the statement "I just earn enough to get by".

If you are not healthy, you must see yourself in terms of sick.
If you are not slim, you must be fat.
If you are not good, you must be bad.
If you see yourself as old, you can't be young.
If you are not honest, you are dishonest.

When you see yourself a certain way, you live to that way. If you see yourself as old, you will feel old. You will lose mobility as you gain aches and pains. If you mix with much younger people, you will begin to feel younger.

Two important points:
(i) what you think is what you get. For example, think about being sick and you will start to feel sick.

(ii) what you think is what you attract. For example:

• a person who is dishonest will generally mix with others who are dishonest.

• a positive person is generally drawn to positive people.

An exercise I do at seminars is to place a shy sad person on one side of the room and a happy outgoing person on the other side. I then ask the audience to go and stand next to the person they feel comfortable with.

People go to whom they feel happy with. A shy person is most likely to associate with another shy person.

• When you see yourself as poor, you attract more poverty.

When you focus on what you are missing, you experience more of what you are missing as that is all you are seeing and feeling.

I recently consulted with a young lady whose past three boyfriends have "abused" and "used" her.

Is this bad luck or is she attracting a certain type of man into her life? Her attitude revealed she felt worthless and a predominant thought was "Who is going to want me?"

While you may think "I'm not wealthy" or "I'm not slim", could you be poorer or bigger?

Focus on what you do have and see yourself in terms of already having what you want.

Do a stock-take on your life and see what you possess in terms of wealth.

See yourself in terms of slim and you will begin to feel and act slim.

What you think determines what you receive.