How to Make Your Relationship "Magical"

In my last newsletter, I covered how many people get into a relationship for the wrong reasons - read it here - and how there is a big difference between loving and needing someone.

When you "need" someone, you have to have a person in your life to meet a particular need. The need being met takes preference over the person. That is, the need being met is more important than the person meeting the need.

For example, the person who hates being lonely or feeling rejected will readily accept a person who shows interest in them as this other person will "fix" the problem. Well, for a while anyway.

It is important to be in a relationship with a person because of who the person is, not because they are a meal ticket or make you look good in front of your friends.

In the Jerry Maguire movie (with Tom Cruise), the "You complete me" is total nonsense. Nobody else completes who you are. You complete who you are.

This is the key to you being a great person and to you enjoying a "magical" relationship. To make yourself "whole", you work on yourself (to become the best person you can) and overcome your insecurities. This has two benefits:

First, you sort yourself out before entering a relationship - and especially if you have come out of a bad one or a bad break-up. It's futile taking baggage into the next one.

Second, it is important to give unconditional love. Unconditional love means "giving love without expecting or needing any in return".

This means you have to be so full of love for who you are as a person (not in an egotistical way but in a "real" way) that you don't need someone to love you.

As the old saying goes "You can only give what you have got". If you don't have it for yourself, you are unable to give it. It's like money. If you are the manufacturer of it, you can continue to give it without needing it back. When you give, you simply make some more to replace it.

When you are not the maker but the earner of money, you can only give what you have. If you don't have it, you can't give it.

While many say they have heaps of love to give, it is "Conditional" as they give it with the hope someone will give it back to them.

The number one person you need to have a relationship with, is - yourself. The greater this relationship, the greater will be your relationship with another person.

As an exercise, make a list of the reasons why you are loveable - or why you are a great person?

How many points do you have?

I suggest if there is less than 20, you have some work to do.

If you would like to see what makes a great a relationship and how yours stands up, please feel free to complete my Relationship Questionnaire.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us or read "Creating A Magical Relationship".

Why Do People Get Into a Relationship?

In a relationship coaching session, I often ask "Why are you in this relationship?"

A common response is "It beats the hell out of living all by myself".

Oops. Not a good response. Think of the consequences of this statement. At this point in time the session usually goes from bad to worse and it takes a lot of work to get it back.

I find many people get into a relationship for the wrong reasons. They do so to overcome loneliness, the pain of rejection, the need for companionship, the need for sex, the need to feel wanted, the need for financial security and the need to satisfy the ego. One client is in his fourth marriage and has never spent more than a week by himself since he started dating at 17 years of age. Virtually before one relationship ends, he is into the next.

Let's examine each of these needs:

(i) The need to overcome loneliness. As the person hates being by themselves, they look for a mate, any mate that shows interest, to help overcome the problem. As the saying goes "Someone is better than no-one".

(ii) The need to overcome the pain of rejection. When a person feels rejection, they feel so devastated the only way to overcome this is to find another partner. This gets their mind off the hurt - and does so even more if the ex has a new partner.

(iii) The need for companionship. It feels terrible going to parties or out to dinner all by oneself. Some people say their partner is their best friend. I have had a lot of best friends and never married any of them! Your relationship partner needs to be more than your best friend.

(iv) The need for sex. Sometimes a person gets into a relationship because the sex is great. They often fall in love with the sex rather than the person. As a side note - this problem occurs with both men AND women. There are some well known people who are constantly in the media with this problem!

(v) The need to feel wanted. When a person feels wanted or needed, they feel loved. They know they are an asset.

(vi) The need for financial security. They view their partner as able to give them the lifestyle they like or would like. Hence the term, "She/he only married them for their money".

(vii) The need to satisfy the ego. This is a relationship based predominantly on looks. They love something physically about their partner and they often love the admiration bestowed on their partner by others.

A good example of the above is "internet dating". Many tell me they are in love without even meeting their partner! I wouldn't call it ‘love'; it is more like ‘lust'.

While the seven points above are the reasons some people get into a relationship, they are also the reasons why some people stay in a "bad" relationship.

All these make it very difficult for the relationship to succeed.

I consult with many who have separated with children under 5 years of age. They say they have "grown apart" or "no longer get on".

There is a major difference between "love" and "need". One is "giving" and the other is "taking". When you "need" something from the relationship, you become a "taker" - and this can work well so long as your partner is prepared to "give".

This is a huge topic and I have endeavoured to get you thinking about your relationship. In the next newsletter, I will discuss how you can "give" to make your relationship magical.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.