Handling Arguments

How do you handle an argument - especially with a loved one?

Do you fight to the end?
Never give in?
Give in and stew on it?
Say things you will later regret?
Resent them for not listening?
Resolve the conflict?
Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with it.

In most cases, people have a need to be right so continue with the argument until they "beat the other person into submission".

When two fail to resolve their differences, they generally hold resentment for the other. Resentment often leads to anger because their needs are not being met.

Once people get "steamed up", they will often say hurtful things in order to "win" the argument. Things they will later regret.

What is amazing is how some people demonstrate how they love someone.

Yelling, being hurtful, degrading and being physically violent are funny ways of showing love!

The people they hurt the most are those that are closest to them. They somehow have this belief the loved one will tolerate what they say and do.

What it does in reality is place a large strain on that relationship.

When you hold some form of resentment, you are focusing on what you don't like and how your needs are not being met. Because this is getting all your attention, you then begin to attract similar situations.


The Solution

Two ways of overcoming arguments and disagreements:

1. Let go of the need to be right and look for a solution that is best for your relationship or the family.

Hanging on to the need to be right means you are selfish as you are only thinking of yourself. When you enter a relationship, you now have your partner to consider. Add children, ad you now have to consider them as well.

2. When you have a disagreement with someone, especially if it is someone you love, ask yourself:

"What do I most want right now in this situation?"

Do you want to be at war with this person or do you want to be a friend or be in love with them?

The answer to this will determine what happens thereafter!

If you would like to be at war, go for it. Just be aware of the consequences.

If you want to be a friend or in love them, say something like: "Let's find a solution that suits us both. After all, you are my best friend and I want us to be happy together".

What you say and do impacts on others. Be careful with what you say, think and do.

When you argue or disagree, someone has to break the deadlock. Let it be you.

Not only will you benefit from the result, others will also.

Obituary to Common Sense

I have never done this before. I have included an article that wasn't written by me - in fact, I have no idea who the author is.

What I do know is, this is a very true piece of information. If you have consulted with me, you'll know I'm big on getting back to basics and keeping things simple.

This was sent to me and I feel so strongly about it, I am including it here. It is called ...

Obituary to Common Sense

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 



He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. 



Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge). 



His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 



Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 



Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. 



Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 



Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.



Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone."

I'll bet you have a story or two to tell where common sense has been abandoned. I see it every day - especially with the legal system and custody of children after separation. I also see it with the rights children have been told they have!

As the old saying goes: "The problem with common sense is, it is not that common".

Let us re-invent it.

Let's get back to some basics and let common sense rule. If enough people start doing it, it will eventually be re-born so the majority live by it.

We would love to know your thoughts.

Describe Yourself

Most people suffer without realizing the reasons "why". They continue with the same thinking wondering why they continue to receive the same result.

I often consult with someone who continually makes bad choices with who they have a relationship with, the job they get or their financial status.

Their thinking, unbeknown to them, determines what they receive.

As an example, allow me to test you on the following:

1. Are you healthy?
2. Are you wealthy?
3. Are you slim/athletic?
4. Do you see yourself as a good person?
5. Do you see yourself as old?
6. Are you honest?

How did you go? How many "Yeses" do you have?

For the questions you answered "Yes" to, now answer the question with a "because ..." at the end. For example, "I am wealthy because ..."

If you have hesitated in answering the question, I would suggest you are not seeing yourself in the said state. This has a great effect on what you achieve.

I was working with a man who wanted to stop gambling. While he was earning $850 a week in wages, he was gambling on average $350 a week. My testing revealed he needed to earn $2,400 a week to feel financially good. He immediately saw why he had the need to gamble.

I asked him: "Are you wealthy?"
"No" he replied. "I just earn enough to get by".

Think about his statement. He's not wealthy and he just earns enough. What is the vision that gives you?

If he does not see himself as wealthy, he must see himself as poor. This is reinforced by the statement "I just earn enough to get by".

If you are not healthy, you must see yourself in terms of sick.
If you are not slim, you must be fat.
If you are not good, you must be bad.
If you see yourself as old, you can't be young.
If you are not honest, you are dishonest.

When you see yourself a certain way, you live to that way. If you see yourself as old, you will feel old. You will lose mobility as you gain aches and pains. If you mix with much younger people, you will begin to feel younger.

Two important points:
(i) what you think is what you get. For example, think about being sick and you will start to feel sick.

(ii) what you think is what you attract. For example:

• a person who is dishonest will generally mix with others who are dishonest.

• a positive person is generally drawn to positive people.

An exercise I do at seminars is to place a shy sad person on one side of the room and a happy outgoing person on the other side. I then ask the audience to go and stand next to the person they feel comfortable with.

People go to whom they feel happy with. A shy person is most likely to associate with another shy person.

• When you see yourself as poor, you attract more poverty.

When you focus on what you are missing, you experience more of what you are missing as that is all you are seeing and feeling.

I recently consulted with a young lady whose past three boyfriends have "abused" and "used" her.

Is this bad luck or is she attracting a certain type of man into her life? Her attitude revealed she felt worthless and a predominant thought was "Who is going to want me?"

While you may think "I'm not wealthy" or "I'm not slim", could you be poorer or bigger?

Focus on what you do have and see yourself in terms of already having what you want.

Do a stock-take on your life and see what you possess in terms of wealth.

See yourself in terms of slim and you will begin to feel and act slim.

What you think determines what you receive.

How Depressing!

Every day, the news is full of the Wall Street - Stock Market - crash and how it impacts on us.

I often hear people speaking of how much money they have lost in shares, how tough things are and how tough they are going to get.

If you have money invested, you may find yourself worrying about your future.

Here's my take on it (which is a little different) ...

Problem v's Solution

Every problem has a solution. If you continue to focus on the problem, will it get better or worse?

Worse. What you focus on expands. The more you focus on how tough things are, the worse they become.

Worrying about it is not going to produce a new result. It will only make you feel emotionally worse - even depressed.

Shift your focus to the solution.

What can you do to "ride out the storm"?
What strategies can you put into place?
What are the thoughts you need to have?

From Another Perspective

The Law of Attraction states that what you think and feel, you draw to yourself.

If you focus on "loss", you draw more loss to you. If you focus on how financially tight things are, you attract more financial hardship.

See what you do have in terms of abundance and wealth.

You may be saying "I'm not wealthy".

If you are not wealthy, you must be poor. Seeing yourself as "poor" will cause you to think and act as a poor person - thus attracting more of the same!

If you see yourself in this way, it may be time to do a stock-take of your life. What do you own? What are you worth? How much money do you have in the bank and invested? Make a list.

Create a base for what you do have and then find ways to build on this. How can you earn more money? (We found a neat way that anyone can do and I will share this with you in a few weeks). In other words, what do you have to do to get through?

You may even say an affirmation, like
"Money flows easily to me"
"I receive unexpected cheques in the mail."

In summary, keep your thinking positive with what you do have and what you can do with what you have.

If you do have financial problems, get some financial counselling or consult with a financial planner. Remember, sooner is better than later.

Also, most of the "experts" say this financial situation is going to turn around. What strategies do you need to have in place to get yourself through?

Warren Buffett, regarded as one of the World's richest men, has an interesting outlook on the current crisis:

"A simple rule dictates me buying. Be fearful when others are greedy, and be greedy when others are fearful".

Great Memory

Many years ago I wrote an article on how to have great memory. I thought it would be great to share this with you as I am consulting with many who would like to improve this area of their life.

The only problem is, I've forgotten where I put it!

Good memory is something that is available to everyone - provided you do not have a medical condition that impairs it.

Nine ways to achieve a great memory:

1. Tell yourself you have great memory. Many say, "My memory is hopeless" and "I'm so forgetful". What you think becomes self-fulfilling. You will never disappoint yourself. To have great memory, you first have to see yourself achieving it.

2. Relax. Most people place themselves under pressure when they need to remember something. The more pressure you place yourself under, the less chance you have of remembering it. A good example is exams. People who place themselves under pressure generally have "their mind go blank".

3. Talk to yourself in terms of what you want. Instead of saying "I have forgotten". Say "Relax. The information is popping into my mind". When you have forgotten some-one's name, tell yourself this and your mind instantly begins a memory search. You will be surprised how well it works.

4. Place energy into that which you would like to remember. Many people, especially those involved in business, have too many things happening at the same time. If you are reading an article while someone is speaking with you, there is a great chance you will remember little about both. Too much is going on.

Good memory comes from giving that which you would like to remember your full attention.

5. Have repetition. You learnt your 5 times table through repetition. When I meet people for the first time, I constantly repeat their name verbally and under my breath.

6. Drink plenty of water. Water hydrates you and helps improve your memory. And No, alcohol does not count as water. Alcohol dehydrates your body and messes with your thinking. Other liquids to avoid include soft drinks (as they contain sugar) and caffeine.

7. Eat memory foods. According to Keith Lugton, a naturopath, the best brain foods are green vegetables (especially the ones that contain folic acid) and fish. The ones to avoid are junk foods and especially those high in sugar. Keith says beware of those foods that easily covert to sugar - like pasta and potatoes. 1 bowl of pasta is equivalent to a 7oz glass of sugar!

8. Take supplements. Some supplements can help with your memory. Keith says the main ones include fish oil, folic acid, a good multi-vitamin and Vitamin C with bioflavonoids. Herbs such as Gingko Biloba, Bacopa, Dotu Kola can enhance mental alertness, clarity and memory.

**Importantly, if you are taking any medication, please consult with your doctor before taking supplements as some may react with your medication.**

9. Hypnosis/meditation. I often use hypnosis with students who are about to sit exams to (i) alleviate the fear, pressure and tension, and (ii) give them great memory by placing suggestions in their subconscious that they will remember the information they have learnt.

A Trait That Will Bring You Undone - Part 2

In the last newsletter, I covered one of the many, and lesser known, causes of depression. If you would like to read it, please click here.

This is one of the hardest states to recognise and deal with. Most who have it are in complete denial and are difficult to work with as clients.

This state is: Perfectionism

While most clients who have the problem say they are not perfectionists, they are very high achievers who are just a step below the perfectionist. Here are some of the traits of a perfectionist:

• A need to be right/hate being wrong
• A need to win/hate losing
• Massive fear of failing
• All or nothing attitude
• Can't handle any criticism
• Very critical - of themselves and others
• Have a very high expectation on themselves to achieve. When these are not met, beat themselves up and wallow in their negative thinking.
• When a problem or fault is pointed out, they are in denial it exists.

This problem generally begins in childhood where the child goes through some sort of experience where they feel unloved, not good enough, a failure. They soon work out by doing well they receive lots of praise and "love". The better they perform, the more they receive. They then become obsessed with doing "perfect" as you can't get better than perfect.


Overcoming Perfectionism

When you place a high expectation on yourself to perform, you also place a huge amount of pressure on yourself. When under pressure, you are more prone to failure. This then leads to much stress. Not wanting to feel stressed (and seeing it as a weakness), you then have higher expectations and more pressure ... and so the wheel turns!

A person will not change unless they recognise they have the problem and it is working against them. If I bring this problem up in the first session with a client, they generally won't come back for a second session. It is too challenging and shows they have a fault - which they hate.

Imagine you have an 8-year-old son. Your son is about to run a 100 meter race against 7 opponents.

Where would you like him to come? Be honest!

Why here?

Where don't you want him to come?

Most want their child to come first. Some say "2nd to 4th would be good".

To the reason "Why", people say "Because it will make him feel good". Think about this statement and the consequences to it.

To where they don't want him to come, nearly everyone says "Last".

Think of the message this sends to the child - whether you say anything or just think it!

What are your expectations for your son in this race?

Before going on, write your answer down.

I'm willing to bet you said "To do their best and to have fun".

Excellent. These are the expectations you need to have for yourself.

What are the positives to coming 4th in the race?
What are the positives to coming to last?

Most say "There aren't any" - which reinforces the reasons for coming 1st!

They are 4th or 8th fastest. They may have achieved their best time.

The important part is, they are there to have fun and to do their best.

Just as they should be happy with their best, so should you.

Also, do you love them more if they come first?
Do you love them less if they come last?

Of course you don't. You love and accept them for who they are. In other words, you love the person, not the performance.

People love you for who you are, not for how you perform. If they love you for your performance, I suggest it is a very shallow relationship!

Practise being happy with your best.
Accept what you can and can't do.
If someone doesn't accept your best, they have the problem.
Do it for you, for the enjoyment.

This allows all the pressure and stress to disappear.

A Trait That Will Bring You Undone

When things go wrong, you have your own way of dealing with it.

The best, and most healthy way is through your own thinking. The problem is, we are seldom taught how to do this.

If you do not have the ability to help yourself through your own thinking, you may resort to drugs (prescribed and recreation), alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, exercise and perhaps self mutilation.

When all else fails and the emotional (or physical) pain gets too hard to handle, many take their own life.

Mark Priestly, a 32 year old actor who starred in an Australian production called "All Saints" recently took his life because of depression.

This shows no-one is immune to depression. Regardless of your age, colour and income, you are prone to this debilitating problem.

While I have covered this topic many times before, I want to cover a lesser known cause - one that is rarely associated with depression but one that has major consequences on how a person feels and processes their thinking.

This is one of the hardest emotions to recognise and deal with. Most who have it are in complete denial and are difficult to work with as clients.

This trait is: Perfectionism

While most clients who have the problem say they are not perfectionists, a quick test soon reveals they are. Here are some of the traits of a perfectionist:

• A need to be right/hate being wrong
  
• A need to win/hate losing
  
• Massive fear of failing
  
• All or nothing
  
• Can't handle constructive criticism (or any criticism)
  
• Very critical - of themselves and others
  
• Have a very high expectation on themselves to achieve. When these are not met, beat themselves up and wallow in their negative thinking.
  
• When a problem or fault is pointed out, they are in denial it exists.
  

This problem generally begins in childhood where the child goes through some sort of experience where they feel unloved, not good enough, a failure. They soon work out by doing well they receive lots of praise and "love". The better they perform, the more they receive. They then become obsessed with doing "perfect" as you can't get better than perfect.

I have had adolescent and teenage clients who won't play a game of sport unless they know they are going to win.

The bottom line is they are looking for acceptance and are totally geared to doing whatever it takes to achieve this.

When you place a high expectation on yourself to perform, you also place a huge amount of pressure on yourself. When under pressure, you are more prone to failure. This then leads to much stress. Not wanting to feel stressed (and seeing it as a weakness), you then have higher expectations and more pressure ... and so the wheel turns!

When there are no solutions to their "poor performance" and they beat themselves up, these people often suffer from severe depression and often want to end it all.

Do you place pressure on yourself to perform?

Do you hate losing/getting things wrong?

Are you a perfectionist?

If you are not sure, ask your partner or a family member to gain their insight.

If what you are currently doing is not working in your best interest, it's time to make a change.

As this is a long article, I have decided to cover how to overcome this problem of perfectionism in the next blog. Stay tuned!