Nothing Works!

I often consult with people who are "fed up" with feeling bad. They say they are very positive in their thinking and are frustrated their positive thinking is not working.

While they are thinking positive, reading self-help books and saying affirmations, nothing is changing.

They still feel emotionally down, sad and depressed.

Why does this happen?

If it happens with you, there are many reasons.

1. You have negative thoughts.

Thoughts are words in your head.

Words have meaning and what you think is what you get.

Think sad thoughts, you feel sad. Think happy thoughts, you feel happy.

Decide on the state you would like to feel and ensure you think and act in accordance with state.

Most people don't.

They want to be happy yet complain about what's going wrong.

They want a loving relationship yet degrade their partner and create conflict.

Keep your thoughts positive. This takes some practice.


2. You unknowingly say negative things

Do you say or think:

"I need more ... money/time/clients/success/committed staff".

"I want more ... money/love/success/security/weight loss/time".

When you say "I need ... " and "I want ...", what are you indicating about your current state?

"I don't have enough".

This is a ‘lack' mentality.

And your mind says "What you think is what you get".

If you think you ‘don't have enough', you will get more of ‘not enough'.

To change this, you can do two things:

(a) place it in the current tense - For example, "I have an abundance of time".

Now you may be thinking "but I don't". Once you say "I have an abundance of time", you will then be able to find the time because what you think is what you get.

Don't take my word for it. Give it a go.

See your self already in possession of that which you ‘want'.

One of the best examples of this is weight loss. If you see yourself as ‘fat', what are you going to get more of?

Fat.

See yourself as being Healthy, Slim and Fit.

Ask yourself: What types of food do fat people eat? What sort of exercise do they do?

Now ask yourself: What types of food do Healthy, slim and fit people eat? What sort of exercise do they do?

In case you were wondering, fat people eat unhealthy food and generally dislike exercise while healthy, slim and fit people eat healthy food and enjoy exercise. They feel motivated because they already see themselves in possession of their goal.

This is one of the biggest reasons people fail to lose weight. They forever see themselves in the unwanted state and wonder why the wanted state fails to show.

If you are having problems seeing yourself in possession of the wanted state ...


(b) talk about it as being in progress - "I am in the process of having more time".

"I am in the process of being healthy, slim and fit".


Personally, I like (a) as it's the desired result although (b) will also serve you.


In my next article, I will look at other reasons why people have trouble achieving their desired state.

Stay tuned.

Do You Have a Glass Jaw?

I was skipping through the TV channels during an ad break on Thursday night (as men do) when I came across a radio broadcaster (Alan Jones) being interviewed on a football show about a racial comment one coach had made about an opposition player three weeks previous.

While discussing the incident, Alan also commented how another player (from another code of football) was also in trouble with their league for calling an opposition player ‘a dribbler'. Alan said he wasn't sure what a dribbler was and it's not a term I have heard - although I can guess it's meaning.

In concluding, Alan commented how we are becoming a glass jaw society.

And I have to agree.

When someone says we have a ‘glass jaw', it means our jaw is so fragile (made of glass) it only has to be touched or hit and it smashes. In other words, we are so insecure, if someone says something about us we don't like or is not 100% politically correct, we emotionally fall to pieces.

We are fast becoming an emotionally insecure society.

There are more and more laws to protect us from physical and emotional harm.

And the more protecting we need, the more insecure we become. We then become dependent on others at all times to do the right things by us for us to feel happy and secure.

It's like putting a child in cotton wool, or, as someone once said (I think it was Friedrich Nietzsche) "That which does not kill us makes us stronger".


So, what's the Solution?

The key is to feel totally secure.

To do this, we have to be totally happy with who we are and what we believe.

When we achieve this, the negatives that others say are like water off a duck's back. We are able to simply let them go.

Let me give you an example.

I was speaking at a seminar on self worth. The attendees were all from one ethnic culture. During lunch, four of the attendees began telling anti-white jokes - obviously not worried as to whether I heard them or not.

clive, what would you have done?

Would you have felt hurt?

Would you have reacted?

Would you berate them?

Would you emotionally put them down - for example, by telling a joke about their culture?

I simply let it go.

I knew, what they were saying was not a reflection on me.

It was a reflection on them.

It was a reflection on what they thought about themselves and life.

Other people do not define you. You do.

The problem is, most people have no idea as to who they are, so they let others define them.

You define who you are.

Once you define yourself, you then have the power to agree or disagree with what others say about you, your race and your religion.

What does the emotionally secure person have to prove?

Nothing.

They already know what their truth is.

If someone calls me ‘lazy', I know they are not speaking about me as I know I am not lazy. People will defend ‘lazy' when they fear being that way or fear being seen that way and they do not like it.

The irony is, once you feel emotionally secure, you no longer have the need to degrade another. You are committed to respecting and helping others.

Then, when you are called a degrading name, you shrug it off and move on, knowing (i) the degrading name is not who you are, and (ii) they have just defined who they are.

Back to the coach. While he said the wrong thing once, the media (and those listening and watching) have talked about it every day for three weeks. That means, the coach said it once yet the listener/reader has had them do the wrong thing 21 times (once a day for 21 days).

This is the multiplier effect and it's easy to let your brain become filled with negative information - which, in turn, makes you feel negative.

Maybe we should be teaching people how to feel emotionally secure rather than spending weeks, months and years complaining about how others treat us.

The Destructive Power of Arguments

It is something everyone does, whether it is with their children, in a relationship or at work. The problem is, they often become heated and can have devastating results.

Often voices are raised and bad things said that are later regretted or remembered for life. It can get into name calling and degrading the other person.

So, if arguments are so destructive ...

Why Do People Argue?

Arguments occur when two or more people hold different opinions and they both hold the belief they are right and the other person is wrong.

Let's go back a step. When you have a different opinion with another, there are four possible outcomes:

Win / Win
Win / Lose
Lose / Win
Lose / Lose

Obviously, the best outcome is Win/Win.

Which outcome is selfish?

When you argue, which one do you pick?

If you are stubborn, which one?

When you argue, you are:

(i) Defending what you know. While you are doing this you are not listening to what the other person is saying.

(ii) Trying to prove you are right and the other person is wrong.

(iii) Selfish. First, you are saying you are right and the other person is wrong (Win/Lose). Second, you are trying to change the other person into believing what you believe. You are not allowing them to have their own beliefs and this is selfish and produces a Win/Lose.

One of the biggest needs people have is the need to be right. When you are right, not only do you feel good, you unconsciously think others will also feel good about you.

The whole function of arguing is to convince another person to agree with you. What can often begin as a disagreement can lead to raised voices, which, if a result is not found, often leads to yelling and can even lead to verbal abuse and physical violence.

Throw in some stubbornness and this really generates some heat.

When two stubborn people argue, it often "a battle to the death" as neither will give in. Stubborn people have to be right so are selfish when in an argument.

Sometimes one is stubborn and the other not. The person who isn't stubborn will give in (producing a Lose/Win) as "it's not worth arguing" and will feel resentful they are not being heard.

Which begs the question ...

Who Wins an Argument?

The answer is "No-one" or "the strongest" - with the most common outcome being a Lose/Lose.

Think of times when you argue. What is the result? And what effect does this have on either yourself or the person you are arguing with?

You may be a person that has to win at all costs or a person who hates confrontation and refuses to argue. You may give in to keep the peace and hold resentment because your thoughts are not valued. All of these produce a detrimental result.

So, what's the solution?

When Two People Hold Different Opinions, Who is Right?

They both are. You only have to ask them. Each will say they are right for what they believe and the reasons why.

When someone has a different opinion to you, accept they are right for what they believe. It often pays to gain an understanding on why they think the way they do. Ask them questions like "Why do you think this is right?", "Why do you think this is better than that?"

Attempting to convince them to change may not work (as they think they are right). To get them to see another perspective, ask questions like "Do you think ... (this) ... could work or is a possibility?" By asking the right questions, you get them to discover there could be another possibility. If they come up with the answer (as against you telling them), they feel good.

If you ask the question "Could something different work?" and they emphatically say "No", there is a good possibility they are stuck with what they think and are not prepared to look beyond that. Accept this and be prepared to move on by changing the topic of conversation.

In the next article, I am covering other ways of how to deal with arguments and conflict. Stay tuned.

Be Aware of the Consequences

I would like to share with you a concept that is so simple yet it's one that many have trouble with.

It all begins with thought.

Thoughts then lead to choices.

Choices lead to consequences - which can be either good or bad.

To summarize:

As an example, you are running late for an appointment. You make a decision (choice) to speed. You put your foot down on the accelerator so the car goes faster.

The consequence can be good if you get there without a speeding ticket; bad if you get one - or good if you got to the appointment on time and the ticket didn't worry you.

The question now becomes: What consequences would you like in life?

While this is a very important concept to teach to children, it is also important for adults.

Everything you think, say and do has a consequence. It's either going to make you feel good or bad to some degree.

There's a consequence for sleeping in, eating your food too fast, telling another person what you think of them, being late, being early ... and the list goes on.

Here's the Problem ...

When things are not going right for you (bad consequence), how do you react?

One of the most common reactions is ...

BLAME

It's the policeman's fault for booking me, the kids made me late and the traffic was bad.

Children often think they can swear at their parents and call them names without there being a bad consequence.

People think they should be able to break the law or do something wrong without a bad consequence.

In other words, the thing most people try and change is the consequence.

"I should be allowed to ... " and "It's not my fault ... (so let me off)".

So, when you think about it, every thing we do we expect a good consequence.

Problem is, this is the hardest part to change.

Which, out of "Choices", "Actions" and "Consequences", is the easiest to change?

Choices.

The switched-on person knows this. They can accurately predict the consequences to any thought, to any choices they make.

If you don't like the consequence you are receiving, make a better choice.

Some people continue to make bad choices which continually leads to bad consequences. They then say they have had enough and want to change. When they fail to change (especially when they know how to), it means they receive a greater benefit from the bad consequence. In other words, what we perceive as a bad consequence is actually a good consequence to them - otherwise they would have changed!

To Get It Right ...

Think of the consequences before you make a choice.

Are the consequences going to work for you or against you?

For example, if you swear at or harshly degrade your partner or boss, what is the consequence? If you are nice, what are the consequences?

If you let people take a photograph of you in a compromising situation, what are the possible consequences?

If you fail to do what is required of you, what are the consequences?

Once you have identified the desired consequences, back-track to the actions and choices you need to make to achieve that consequence.

Good luck.

Like To Achieve Your Best?

Most people meander through life without giving too much consideration to what is happening and simply accept the up's and down's.

One such person was Paul.

On one hand he loved his work, his home, his "big boy" toys and having fun with his mates.

On the other hand, his business was always just breaking even, he had two health issues and he had trouble finding the ‘right' girl. When he did, the relationship would only last a few months before they split up.

When things went wrong, Paul would blame (both himself and others), feel angry and depressed because he was not receiving the results he desired.

He would get down on himself both physically and mentally. He would call himself stupid, an idiot and punch walls and doors to let off steam.

All this seemed to make his situation worse.

While he wanted a solution, he simply continued to focus on the problem. This only increased the size of the problem as ‘what you focus on is what you get'.

A bigger problem leads to more negative thinking and actions ... and so the cycle continues.

Jane, are you getting the best from your life?

Or, are you like Paul and in an ever increasing cycle of up's and down's?

If you are not sure, take a test here.

Like to stop the cycle?

Here's one way to help yourself ...

Achieve Your Best

Think of a time in your life when you were your happiest.

What was happening?

What were you thinking?

What were you doing?

Write these things down.

Does this list reveal the type of person you would like to be?

Hopefully, it will. If not, make a list of the traits of the person you would love to be.

Next, think about whether your current thoughts, words and actions are lining up with you who choose to be or are they working against you?

As an example, is getting angry lining up with who you choose to be?

If it's not, focus on the trait that does line you up. Your ideal traits may be feeling calm and finding a solution.

With our example of Paul, if he continued to line himself up with who he chooses to be, is he more or less likely to make his business a success?

Is he more or less likely to have a great relationship with the person of his choice?

Will he be more or less healthy?

Is life likely to deliver far more up's than down's?

Through seeing himself as a great person, Paul will attract great things into his life.

And so will you.

What you think is what you get.

Good luck.

Are You A Giver or a Taker?

While you may be quick to answer "I'm a giver", most people only give when it suits them or when they feel they may get something for their giving.

At work, employees are generally "takers" thinking about what they can get out of their boss or how much money they can earn. They only do what they have to and are recognised by showing little enthusiasm and little willingness to help either the employer or the customer. They are forever whinging about their work.

The boss or manager is a "taker" when they use their employees without giving anything back. They hold the attitude "I'm the boss and I tell them what to do". Some bosses are never happy regardless of how hard the employee works. They hold the opinion the employee is lucky to have a job.

Most people who work in shops are takers. They're only interested in getting your money.

When things get financially tight, they become even bigger ‘takers' as they need the money.

Many business people I meet at networking functions only consider themselves and their needs. They continually talk about how good they are, what their product does and why people should buy from them.

At one of these functions, I spoke with a lady for around 15 minutes. At the end of the conversation, while I knew all about her, she never took the time to ask my name, what I did, my business frustrations or why I was at the event.

It is easy to be a "taker" in a relationship. Relationships start out with both people giving (to impress each other) and, when they become complacent and no longer need to impress, they become ‘takers'. They identify what they can get out of the relationship by doing their own thing or expecting their partner to do what they want.

A "taker" often says or thinks "What's in it for me?" and "What can I get out of this?"

You may even be thinking ‘takers' are somewhat selfish.

Identify where you are a "taker".

Now ...

Practice being a "giver"

In the business world, things are very much changing. The new model is one of giving.

"How can I make my customer's day better, more enjoyable?"

"What can I do for them or share with them that can make their day and business more productive?"

What can you do for your customers to make their experience of dealing with you one to remember?

How can you add value?

Identify what you can give to your work. What can you do to help your boss out without being asked? How can you go that extra mile and give something back to your place of employment?

If you are a boss or manager, what can you do to show you value your employees? You may praise them, give them something or reward them in some way. Research shows people who are rewarded, praised and valued perform to a higher level.

At a networking event, ask about the other person. Find out their frustrations and offer ways to help - perhaps by sending them a free report.

How can you contribute in your relationship? What can you do to make your partner's day (or your parent's day) even better or more special?

When you give unconditionally (that means not wanting or needing anything back), the person receiving often wants to reciprocate so they give. When you receive, you feel great so you give ... and the cycle continues.

Here's a challenge: Do something today for someone you don't know. You may help an elderly person to complete a task or visit someone in hospital who is feeling lonely. You may send someone a report that can help them overcome some problem they are having.

Note how you feel and how the person you are helping feels.

Giving unconditionally releases good fell chemicals (endorphins) within your body - which in return raises your immune system.

Leave a message below on how you have helped someone. It would be great to share how you contribute to helping others and the responses you receive.

Never Give Up

I was recently watching the Australian Open Tennis and one player gained my attention.

Her name is Jie Zheng and she was playing Maria Kirilenko. In several points, Maria would hit the ball down one side of the court, Jie would sprint across, just reach it in time to hit back. Maria would then hit the ball quickly to the other side of the court to which Jie would respond and sprint to make a return. After this happened four or five times, one got the feeling that Maria was going to easily win the point.

In fact, the opposite happened. Jie ended up winning the point, even when things seemed hopeless. And she did this frequently.

And what I began to notice was most of the top tennis players all had this ability.

It was inspirational stuff.

With a BIG message.

Keep persisting.

The problem is, most people give in - and way too soon.

They fail to chase that hard ball telling themselves "it's way too hard", "I'll will never make it" or "I'll conserve my energy for the next point".

Problem is, the next point often brings the same result.

Where do you give up?

Is it chasing that elusive interview?

Making that next phone call?

In your relationships?

Making that important sale after a string of "No's"?

When you do give in, what's your self talk?

Do you try and convince yourself you are doing the right thing by coming up with excuses? "It's too hard", "They're probably busy and won't want to talk to me", "My partner's not interested" and "They won't buy anyway".

Change Your Mindset

How important is it for you to win that point, to achieve your goal?

The more important it is, the more effort you will put into it.

Second, persistence pays off.

Research shows that, in sales, you have to ask for the order at least 5 times before receiving an affirmative to buy.

Let me give you a personal example.

At the start of my sales days, I was keen to get the company's products into a major outlet in Albury. The manager constantly told me that he was happy with my opposition's products and I was wasting my time even calling.

Whenever I was in Albury I continued to call on this manager and inform him of new products and ways our products could help his clients.

After 17 months, I still hadn't made a sale.

In the 18th month, he called me a ‘persistent little b---r' and said he was happy to put a small quantity of our product on the shelf to "see how it goes".

Within five months, he was one of my biggest distributors.

If something is important to you, find a way to make it work.

Like Thomas Edison who experimented with over 1,000 different filaments for light bulbs before he found one that worked effectively. That's over 1,000 different experiments. When interviewed by a paper, the interviewer asked why he hadn't given up when he had over 500 failures. Obviously, it wasn't going to work.

Thomas reportedly replied "Every one that doesn't work brings me closer to the one that will".

How many experiments would you have been prepared to do to get the light bulb to work?

Where have you persisted and it's paid off? Let me know below in the comments.