The Destructive Power of Arguments

It is something everyone does, whether it is with their children, in a relationship or at work. The problem is, they often become heated and can have devastating results.

Often voices are raised and bad things said that are later regretted or remembered for life. It can get into name calling and degrading the other person.

So, if arguments are so destructive ...

Why Do People Argue?

Arguments occur when two or more people hold different opinions and they both hold the belief they are right and the other person is wrong.

Let's go back a step. When you have a different opinion with another, there are four possible outcomes:

Win / Win
Win / Lose
Lose / Win
Lose / Lose

Obviously, the best outcome is Win/Win.

Which outcome is selfish?

When you argue, which one do you pick?

If you are stubborn, which one?

When you argue, you are:

(i) Defending what you know. While you are doing this you are not listening to what the other person is saying.

(ii) Trying to prove you are right and the other person is wrong.

(iii) Selfish. First, you are saying you are right and the other person is wrong (Win/Lose). Second, you are trying to change the other person into believing what you believe. You are not allowing them to have their own beliefs and this is selfish and produces a Win/Lose.

One of the biggest needs people have is the need to be right. When you are right, not only do you feel good, you unconsciously think others will also feel good about you.

The whole function of arguing is to convince another person to agree with you. What can often begin as a disagreement can lead to raised voices, which, if a result is not found, often leads to yelling and can even lead to verbal abuse and physical violence.

Throw in some stubbornness and this really generates some heat.

When two stubborn people argue, it often "a battle to the death" as neither will give in. Stubborn people have to be right so are selfish when in an argument.

Sometimes one is stubborn and the other not. The person who isn't stubborn will give in (producing a Lose/Win) as "it's not worth arguing" and will feel resentful they are not being heard.

Which begs the question ...

Who Wins an Argument?

The answer is "No-one" or "the strongest" - with the most common outcome being a Lose/Lose.

Think of times when you argue. What is the result? And what effect does this have on either yourself or the person you are arguing with?

You may be a person that has to win at all costs or a person who hates confrontation and refuses to argue. You may give in to keep the peace and hold resentment because your thoughts are not valued. All of these produce a detrimental result.

So, what's the solution?

When Two People Hold Different Opinions, Who is Right?

They both are. You only have to ask them. Each will say they are right for what they believe and the reasons why.

When someone has a different opinion to you, accept they are right for what they believe. It often pays to gain an understanding on why they think the way they do. Ask them questions like "Why do you think this is right?", "Why do you think this is better than that?"

Attempting to convince them to change may not work (as they think they are right). To get them to see another perspective, ask questions like "Do you think ... (this) ... could work or is a possibility?" By asking the right questions, you get them to discover there could be another possibility. If they come up with the answer (as against you telling them), they feel good.

If you ask the question "Could something different work?" and they emphatically say "No", there is a good possibility they are stuck with what they think and are not prepared to look beyond that. Accept this and be prepared to move on by changing the topic of conversation.

In the next article, I am covering other ways of how to deal with arguments and conflict. Stay tuned.

Are You A Giver or a Taker?

While you may be quick to answer "I'm a giver", most people only give when it suits them or when they feel they may get something for their giving.

At work, employees are generally "takers" thinking about what they can get out of their boss or how much money they can earn. They only do what they have to and are recognised by showing little enthusiasm and little willingness to help either the employer or the customer. They are forever whinging about their work.

The boss or manager is a "taker" when they use their employees without giving anything back. They hold the attitude "I'm the boss and I tell them what to do". Some bosses are never happy regardless of how hard the employee works. They hold the opinion the employee is lucky to have a job.

Most people who work in shops are takers. They're only interested in getting your money.

When things get financially tight, they become even bigger ‘takers' as they need the money.

Many business people I meet at networking functions only consider themselves and their needs. They continually talk about how good they are, what their product does and why people should buy from them.

At one of these functions, I spoke with a lady for around 15 minutes. At the end of the conversation, while I knew all about her, she never took the time to ask my name, what I did, my business frustrations or why I was at the event.

It is easy to be a "taker" in a relationship. Relationships start out with both people giving (to impress each other) and, when they become complacent and no longer need to impress, they become ‘takers'. They identify what they can get out of the relationship by doing their own thing or expecting their partner to do what they want.

A "taker" often says or thinks "What's in it for me?" and "What can I get out of this?"

You may even be thinking ‘takers' are somewhat selfish.

Identify where you are a "taker".

Now ...

Practice being a "giver"

In the business world, things are very much changing. The new model is one of giving.

"How can I make my customer's day better, more enjoyable?"

"What can I do for them or share with them that can make their day and business more productive?"

What can you do for your customers to make their experience of dealing with you one to remember?

How can you add value?

Identify what you can give to your work. What can you do to help your boss out without being asked? How can you go that extra mile and give something back to your place of employment?

If you are a boss or manager, what can you do to show you value your employees? You may praise them, give them something or reward them in some way. Research shows people who are rewarded, praised and valued perform to a higher level.

At a networking event, ask about the other person. Find out their frustrations and offer ways to help - perhaps by sending them a free report.

How can you contribute in your relationship? What can you do to make your partner's day (or your parent's day) even better or more special?

When you give unconditionally (that means not wanting or needing anything back), the person receiving often wants to reciprocate so they give. When you receive, you feel great so you give ... and the cycle continues.

Here's a challenge: Do something today for someone you don't know. You may help an elderly person to complete a task or visit someone in hospital who is feeling lonely. You may send someone a report that can help them overcome some problem they are having.

Note how you feel and how the person you are helping feels.

Giving unconditionally releases good fell chemicals (endorphins) within your body - which in return raises your immune system.

Leave a message below on how you have helped someone. It would be great to share how you contribute to helping others and the responses you receive.