Who Do You Have To Stand Up For?

Many years ago, I conducted a course on "Overcoming Bullying" for Years 9 and 10 at a High School.

We received such good success that we were asked to put a submission to other schools. At the conclusion of our submission, one of the comments we received was "We already teach kids how to stand up for themselves."

"Excellent" I replied. "Can you please explain how you do that?"

"We tell the kids to stand up to the bully."

I know what the result would be there in most cases! ☺

I often hear people say "I need to learn how to stand up for myself".

"How would you like to do that?"

"I need to tell people what I think. If they're annoying me, I need to tell them to leave me alone. If they do something I don't like, I need to tell them I am not happy."

This is called "being assertive".

I'm not in total agreement with this. While there may be a place for it some occasions, there is a better way.

Imagine a student telling a bully what he can do with his or her harassment! This will only fuel the fire as the bully is looking for confrontation.

Telling off some person who has annoyed you will often lead to ill-will and confrontation.

So Why Do We Do This?

We tell someone off to get them to stop what they are doing and this in turn makes us feel good.

Which means we weren't feeling good before we told them off.

It's our way of gaining some form of control - which means we didn't have that control while they were annoying us.

So, if you don't have to be assertive with another person, who do you need to be assertive with?

You Need To Be Assertive With Yourself

If someone is annoying you or doing something you don't like and you are reacting, who is controlling how you feel?

They are. Their actions are causing you to feel angry or upset. Sure, you are allowing them to do this - and you do that because you are unable to control how you feel in that moment.

If someone is annoying you, ask the question "Who has the problem here?"

If the answer is "them", the next question is "Do I need to be a part of their problem?"

If your answer is "No", let it go.

It's important to control your thinking before trying to control the other person.

For example, in the case of the person being bullied, we gave them understanding on why the bully needs to show dominance. We also raised the level of self-esteem with the ‘victims' so that whatever the bully said or did had no impact on them.

Result: a teacher was observing a student being bullied. The student stayed calm, listened to the bully and then walked away. The teacher asked the student "How come you didn't react?"

The student replied "It's not my problem" and kept walking.

Beauutiful!

One of the best traits you can have is the ability to let others be themselves and you control how you think and what you do.

This way, there is no confrontation and no negative reaction as you are aware that what others say or do does not have to impact on you.

Are You a People Pleaser?

I often consult with someone who says "I'm a people pleaser. I like to make sure everyone is happy".

Here are some of the traits. You:

• Only say what others want to hear, what makes them feel good.
  
• Do what makes others feel good.
  
• Hate conflict.
  
• Can't stand the thought of upsetting anyone.
  
• Give in to other peoples needs.
  
• Forever are pleasing others yet others do not reciprocate or are ungrateful.

Here is an example.

I was recently hired to help a business get their mindset right. It quickly became apparent this company had some very proactive employees who were keen to contribute and move forward.

On the other hand, there were two employees who appeared negative and objected to everything.

The thing I noticed was the boss was forever defending these two employees and was constantly trying to please them, even if it was to the businesses detriment.

It was very apparent this boss was a "people pleaser", a person who wanted everyone to like him and who hated conflict.

When twelve of his sales team of fourteen voted to implement a new concept (I'll call it Action A) that greatly benefited the business, he agreed. The two "negative" people vehemently disagreed and said they wanted to keep the old way (which appeared to be detrimental to the business yet suited them personally). After the meeting, the two met with their boss and harassed him to stay with the old way. Not wanting conflict and with a need to please, he said he would.

This created all sorts of problems:

• The 12 who wanted the best solution were not happy as the boss had changed his mind. The 12 were tiring of the minority getting their way - and often getting it through harassment. They were thinking "What's the use of contributing?" so had ceased to do so. Result - a de-motivated majority and some good business ideas lost.

• The proactive people were thinking of leaving the company because they have a leader who is not doing the right thing by the company. If this happened, the boss would lose the proactive people (one of his greatest assets) and retain the reactive ones.

• The business will fail to go forward as the right decisions for the business are not being made.

• The boss will end up feeling stressed as he is trying to please everyone. This need to please is difficult, frustrating and tiring.

When you are a "people pleaser", you suffer emotionally and physically - and everyone around you suffers.

Through trying to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one.

Why Do People Try and Please Everyone?

The aim of pleasing is to gain acceptance. It is a way of making sure everyone likes them and thinks highly of them.

The enemy of the people pleaser is conflict where someone will dislike what they think, say or do.

The Solutions

1. Who determines how you feel?

While you may answer "I do", if someone upsets you or makes you feel angry or emotionally down, they are determining how you feel. You are allowing them to do this.

If you have to constantly do and say things to please someone, they control how you feel.

Stop allowing. Take back your control as you need to determine how you feel and what you do.

Who do you need to impress?

Yourself. When you are impressed with who you are and what you do, you no longer need others to feel impressed. When you are happy with you, you maximise the chance of others feeling happy with you.

If you would like to know how to do this, Empower Yourself will show you how.

2. Who is the only person you can make happy?

Yourself.

If you are trying to make others happy, you will feel happy provided they are happy. If they choose to be unhappy, you will feel unhappy.

On the flip side, if you are happy, who gains the benefit?

Yourself and others around you.

If you want others to be happy, it starts with you being happy.

3. If you are a boss or a parent, identify what's best for your business or family.

Not what is best for the individual.

Pandering to people who are negative or feel a victim will only enable them to continue to be that way.

Letting staff or children get their own way only reinforces this belief within them. It is important to be strong with you to make the right decisions.

Through doing the right thing by the business (or family), it will always flourish.

4. Ways of saying "No"

If people are unable to accept "No", they need to develop a belief system so they can without taking it personally.

You will never satisfy 100% of the people - so cease trying to.

There are many ways of saying "No" without totally offending someone.

In the sales example, the boss could say "Thank you for offering Action A and discussing this and the current way of doing things. The more options we have, the better the result we can achieve. It's important that we achieve a result that is best for the business. From our discussions, the best result is Action A. I welcome all your input in the future and encourage you to continue to come up with new ideas."

This way, the emphasis is on what is best for the business and everyone is thanked for their input.

What's One of the Best Traits To Possess?

Let me explain this through using some examples.

Penny found out her husband was having an affair and he wanted to leave her for this other woman. She was devastated.

What's the real cause of her feeling devastated?

Jim was angry. He had been working on a project his client had requested for two weeks and now his client refused to purchase it.

What's the real cause of his anger?

While you may say "Rejection" for Penny and "Anger" or "not feeling in control" for Jim, you are partially right.

From working with many thousands of clients for over 22 years, I have come to the conclusion nearly every problem we experience comes back to one thing:

A lack of self-belief.

This also means a lack of self-love, self worth and self-esteem.

Other every day examples include:

The bully lacks self-esteem - that's why he/she has to control and put another down.

The victim lacks self-esteem - he/she reacts to the bully and sees themselves as the victim.

The stubborn person lacks self-esteem - things have to work out their way for them to feel good. If they don't work out, they feel emotionally down.

The person who fails to stand up for themselves (including the ‘people pleaser') lacks self-esteem.

There's an Old Saying

"You can only give what you have got".

Most people say they have a lot to give - and they have, so long as they receive it first.

If you are not happy, you need something or someone to make you happy. Once you have the happiness, you are free to give it.

This also applies to love. People feel loved when someone loves them. When they feel this love, they are then able to give it.

However, if the person stops loving them, they feel rejected.

Here's the Solution

You can only give the love you have for you.

When you feel totally loved by you, you now have a lot to give - and importantly, you can now give it unconditionally.

Unconditional love means giving without wanting or needing anything back in return.

When you are self-fulfilled, you have all the love you need so anything you receive from another is a bonus. While you don't need it, it is great to have.

Penny now realizes her ex-husband has not taken all the love - she still has love for herself - and, importantly, she sees him leaving as his loss.

Jim is no longer angry as he takes control of how he feels. His happiness was dependent on the client buying, rather than coming from within. He will now learn from what has happened and develop a new way of dealing with clients - sometimes it is important to learn what doesn't work so you can implement what does work!

The bully now no longer has a need to feel inferior as he/she feels good about who they are.

The victim no longer feels the victim for the same reason. They realize it is not their problem and they are still a great person - regardless of what the bully says or does. When people feel insecure, they often have a need to control others in some way.

The stubborn person can go with the flow, as they feel happy regardless of the outcome. The outcome does not determine how they feel; they do.

The person who fails to stand up for themselves does so within their mind. They have to be strong with themselves to process the information in a way that is going to work for them.

How Do You Do This?

Know what your good points are.

If you are unsure on how to do this, "Get To Know Yourself" and "Become a Great Person" are a good read.

When you know what your good points are, and start to love the person you are, you are able to process what is happening in your world in a far better way.

Forever strive to be a better person and to feel self-fulfilled.

The Power You Give To A Problem

Belinda was depressed and angry.

Five years ago she caught her then boyfriend in bed with her best friend. This devastated her and she ended the relationship immediately.

Problem was, she was unable to release the memory and the associated pain. She was angry and upset as he had told her how much he had loved her. What he said obviously did not coincide with what he felt.

Belinda was now feeling depressed because she was fearful of being in a relationship and getting hurt. So, while she wanted to be in a relationship, it was not going to happen.

Every day, she remembered opening the door and seeing them making love. Every day, she felt the pain, the anger and the hate. She was angry at him, her best friend and herself for not knowing something like this would happen. She hated her ex boyfriend and her ex best friend for what they had done.

I asked Belinda two questions to get her thinking:

Who controls how you feel?
How many times did you see them making love?
To the first question, she replied "I control how I feel".

To the second, "Once".

This scenario is common with most people in that they constantly allow others to determine how they feel.

If someone upsets you, who is responsible for you feeling upset?

If someone makes you angry, who is responsible for you feeling angry?

They are. You are allowing them to determine how you feel.

Other people do not upset you, frustrate you or make you angry. You do. You either knowingly or unknowingly make the choice to feel that way.

Second, how many times did she them making love?

If you answered "once", you are, like Belinda, incorrect. She saw them every day for the past five years - that is, for around one thousand eight hundred and thirty times. This may be even more if she thought of them doing it more than once a day.

Every time she thought about the act, she caught them at it. It is as if she is physically there.

1,830 are a lot of times to see someone doing the wrong thing by you.

Imagine how deep into Belinda's subconscious this is etched.

Where has something happened to you whee you have continued to reinforce it?

It may have been an argument or a misunderstanding.

It may have been when someone has done the wrong thing by you or physically and/or emotionally hurt you.

Think of the control you have given them from the time it happened to now. Think of how much you have reinforced it by constantly thinking of it.



It's Time To Make a Change

It's time to move forward and let go.

You can do this in a number of ways, two of which I will cover here:

Recognise you are constantly playing the unwanted movie in your head. Now change it to a wanted movie. Every time the old movie wants to be played, change it to a good movie.
A good movie may be of someone you currently love, of a special occasion or of some event that has brought you great happiness.

Through doing this, you are no longer reinforcing the old, you are reinforcing the new wanted state.

There are many ways of changing the old. If you are having problems, please seek professional help.

Become responsible for how you feel. This means taking ownership of the way you feel.
In Belinda's case, she learnt about self worth and self esteem. She was able to identify how dependent she was on her boyfriend for how she felt and she needed him to love her (mind you, he also has some major problems with feeling loved!).

She was able identify some positives to come from that experience - like he has some qualities she does not like.

Through building up her self-esteem, she was able to see she deserved better and began to see this break-up as his loss.

She began to focus on the ideal type of man she would love to be in a relationship with.


When we focus on the problem, we enlarge it. We constantly give it more energy which in turn can make it harder to deal with.

Place your focus on the solution.

What do you need to do have peace of mind?

What are the skills you need to learn?

PS It is much easier to learn the skills to deal with a potential problem before the problem occurs rather than after it has occurred.

Are You Short-Changing Yourself?

Why do some people become elite sports people and others don't?

For example, why is Tiger Woods so good?

Is it genetic?
Is it luck?
Is it hard work?

According to new research by Geoff Colvin (in his book "Talent Is Overrated"), it is none of these.

It is "deliberate practice".

Deliberate practice is constantly working on the skills you need to have to be the best in your field. It also involves monitoring your progress and getting a coach/mentor who can push, guide and help you improve.

Earl Woods (Tiger's father) was not a champion golfer. He was a golf fanatic who practiced and practiced to achieve a very low handicap. He used to spend hours hitting golf balls into a net in his garage and, as a baby, Tiger was in his high chair constantly watching him. By the age of two, Tiger was regularly at the golf course with his father practicing and playing golf. With much practice, and with professional coaching from age 4, his skills developed.

Today, while the good golfers spend much time practicing, Tiger takes it one step further. He practices all those hard to do shots. For example, most golfers will throw balls into a sand bunker and practice hitting them out. Tiger takes this one step further and walks across the balls in the bunker so they are completely buried.

"Why would he do that?" I hear you ask.

Because during one of his tournament rounds he may just hit a ball into a sand trap and the ball becomes completely buried. He needs to be able to play the ball out with great precision.

Let's Take This A Step Further ...

I divide sports people into four types - and to keep this simple I'm reducing them to three:

1. The Casual
   
2. The Amateur
   
3. The Professional

The Casual - they hardly do any training and are able to play in competition at the weekend. It's all a bit of fun and they are there for the social side and some fitness.

The Amateur - they train around twice a week and need to do so if they want to play well in competition. They're keen to do well. They also have a paid job which takes up much of their time.

The Professional - they have set their goal to be the best. They train four to five times a week, hire a trainer/coach, study how food affects performance, study how their thinking affects the way they perform and are committed to continually improve. For them, training is hard work. Because of their dedication, this is generally a full time occupation.

How Is This Relevant To Your Life?

A great question.

Of the three groups - the Casual, the Amateur and the Professional - which one are you when it comes to:

• Your working life?

Do you just rock up to work and do what you have to do or do you study how to get the most out of yourself and your business?

• Your relationship with a loved one?

Are you casual and hope it will survive or do you study how to get the best out of it so it is forever improving?

• Your health and fitness?

Do you exercise when you can fit it in, eat too much junk food and say you need to change or do you constantly learn and implement ways on how to be healthier? Do you have a program in place to ensure you stay healthy - both mentally and physically?

• Your emotional self?

Do you simply coast through life and put up with the up's and down's or do you constantly look to improve the way you think and behave?

While I have listed some of the key areas of life above, there are many others you may like to consider - a hobby, sport, financial security and your spirituality to name a few.

Sadly, the majority of people fall into the Casual group for all of the above. They simply coast through life without giving any thought to what they eat, drink, consume or how they behave. Life is often a roller coaster and while they complain, they seldom do anything about their problems.

Many fall into the Amateur group. They are keen to learn how to improve the way they feel and do things. They spend some time reading books, attending seminars and watching dvd's on relevant topics. This group often makes the mistake of failing to implement what they learn as they have so many things going on in their life.

The minority fall into the Professional group. They set time aside to learn how to improve aspects of their life. They put their knowledge into action and are committed to forever improving. They have a game plan for life and will ensure they achieve it. They often hire a coach or a mentor to ensure they are on track and they are forever learning and improving.

Are you short-changing your life by falling short of your potential?

If you are, it's time to take stock and ask yourself the following ...

Question

How committed are you to becoming your best in all your key areas of life?

Do You Fail To Get Things Done?

We live in a fast-paced world. There are so many things to do and get done.

I recently gave 22 people attending one of my seminars some "homework" to do before the session the following week. Eight had completed it.

These were people who wanted to be at the seminar and who wanted to improve their life.

When asked "Why?" they had failed to complete it, the answers included:
"I didn't have enough time"
"I had a really busy week"
"I forgot all about it" - at least they were honest!

This lead us into a discussion on why people don't do what they know they should be doing. Things like:

• making that phone call to a potential client,
  
• exercising,
  
• eating healthy meals,
  
• getting a medical check-up or some health
• problem checked out,
  
• improving some part of your life,
  
• quitting a bad habit,
  
• leaving a failed relationship,
  
• quitting a bad job,
  
• telling someone how you feel.
  

So, why don't people do what they know they should?

To explain, let us go back to some basics.

When you have something to do, there is both a positive feeling to doing it and a negative. As your programming begins from day 1, your mind instantly adds all the positives and negatives accumulated over the entire of your life and gives you a net feeling. Where the positives outweigh the negatives, there is a great chance you will do what you planned, whereas, if the negatives outweigh the positives, you won't.

For example, you know you should exercise daily but you don't. If you know you should and you haven't, why haven't you?

While you fail to exercise, there is a bigger need not to exercise than what there is to exercise. Your mind has come up with lots of great reasons as to why you should avoid it. Reasons like:
"I'm too tired"
"It's too cold"
"I don't have the time"
"I never feel or see any improvement"

Thoughts like these hold you back. They sabotage what you would like to achieve.

The Solution

When you know you should be doing something, either:
• increase the need to do it,
• eliminate the negatives against doing it,
• or both.

In our example, increasing the need to exercise by focusing on the benefits of exercising. It helps tone muscles, increases fitness, burns energy (and fat), releases good feel chemicals and is good for stress release to name a few.

Quite often, if you make the need great enough, you will do it.

If this fails to work ...

Identify and eliminate the negatives (as listed above).

"I'm too tired" - this often occurs because you fail to exercise. Exercise helps you to have more energy.

"It's too cold" - hardest part here is getting changed. Once you begin your program, you will feel great. Push past the negative knowing there will be a positive to follow.

"I don't have the time" - if health and fitness is important, you will make the time. Grab your diary and make an appointment with yourself for 5 days a week to exercise. This is your time. Being fitter and healthier will mean you are more productive at work.

"I never feel or see any improvement" - if this is the case, research why. You may need to consult with a professional in the health and fitness area to find the answer. Remember, they work with people every day who have trouble achieving the desired result so they know what works and what doesn't.

While I have related the above example to exercise, you can relate it to any area where you are not achieving or creating action.

What's stopping you from ringing that client, eating healthy meals, exercising, giving up that bad habit, telling someone how you feel, quitting that bad job or relationship or improving some part of your life?

When a part of you knows you should create the action that is in your best interest, make it a priority, build the positives and, if that fails, identify and eliminate the negatives. Through doing this, you are taking control.

If you are not sure on how to do this, please feel free to contact us and we can guide you through it.

You Are Not Who You Think You Are

When the news came through last Friday that Michael Jackson had died, there was a part of me that was surprised and a part that wasn't.

After all, you can't abuse your body the way he did over many years and expect to live a long life.

The sad part is that someone with so much talent has died at such a young age - well, to me 50 is young!

The same could be said for Heath Ledger and many other stars who have either died or been forced out of their profession.

Most endure a common problem. While they have fame, they do not have the ability to handle the fame.

We often see this with many young stars - whether it is in the sporting arena or in the arts, once they are seen to perform, the pressure to continue performing is extreme. Many fail to cope and resort to alcohol and drugs.

While these stars work on their performance, they fail to work on how to deal with the fame and fortune.

So, how does this relate to you?

Glad you asked!

Who You Are Not

We grow up to learn that your performance reveals who you are. If you win, you are a winner. If you lose, you are a loser and no-one will like you. How often have you heard "Everyone loves a winner".

The aim is to win at all costs as this means you will be liked.

The problem is, you will only be liked while you are winning.

There is a BIG difference between your performance and who you are.

In fact, there is little correlation between who you are and your performance.

A good example is the many elite footballers that are in trouble with the law for sexual assault. While they are good at their sport, they obviously fall short in respecting others.

Another example is people who do exceptionally well in a chosen field and then think they are superior to others. They get caught up in all the hype and begin thinking they are a great person because of their performance. Wrong. Their ego is telling them they are great but the way they treat others shows they are very insecure.

The Solution

Separate "performance" from "self".

If one of your friends was competing in a race, are you going to love them more if they win? If you answer "Yes" to this, you have some serious ego problems.

Are you going to love them less if they lose or come last?

The answer is "No". You love them for who they are, not for how they perform.

People love you for who you are, not how you perform. If they love you for how you perform you will have some problems, as they will only be there so long as you continue to win or be the star. They are in love with your performance rather than you the person.

As Elvis Presley once said: "I'll never know whether a woman loves me ... or Elvis Presley."

If you are aspiring to be someone, the good news is: you already are. All you have to do is ask the people who love you.

Develop the talents you would ideally like to have. Become the best person you can possibly be.

It would have been interesting to see how Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger would have dealt with the challenges of stardom if they had have taken the time to learn the required life skills.

Action Plan

Work on you the person.

What are the traits you need to have to be the person you can possibly be?

What are the buttons others push or the situations you react to? These show you the areas you need to work on.