How to Make Your Relationship "Magical"

In my last newsletter, I covered how many people get into a relationship for the wrong reasons - read it here - and how there is a big difference between loving and needing someone.

When you "need" someone, you have to have a person in your life to meet a particular need. The need being met takes preference over the person. That is, the need being met is more important than the person meeting the need.

For example, the person who hates being lonely or feeling rejected will readily accept a person who shows interest in them as this other person will "fix" the problem. Well, for a while anyway.

It is important to be in a relationship with a person because of who the person is, not because they are a meal ticket or make you look good in front of your friends.

In the Jerry Maguire movie (with Tom Cruise), the "You complete me" is total nonsense. Nobody else completes who you are. You complete who you are.

This is the key to you being a great person and to you enjoying a "magical" relationship. To make yourself "whole", you work on yourself (to become the best person you can) and overcome your insecurities. This has two benefits:

First, you sort yourself out before entering a relationship - and especially if you have come out of a bad one or a bad break-up. It's futile taking baggage into the next one.

Second, it is important to give unconditional love. Unconditional love means "giving love without expecting or needing any in return".

This means you have to be so full of love for who you are as a person (not in an egotistical way but in a "real" way) that you don't need someone to love you.

As the old saying goes "You can only give what you have got". If you don't have it for yourself, you are unable to give it. It's like money. If you are the manufacturer of it, you can continue to give it without needing it back. When you give, you simply make some more to replace it.

When you are not the maker but the earner of money, you can only give what you have. If you don't have it, you can't give it.

While many say they have heaps of love to give, it is "Conditional" as they give it with the hope someone will give it back to them.

The number one person you need to have a relationship with, is - yourself. The greater this relationship, the greater will be your relationship with another person.

As an exercise, make a list of the reasons why you are loveable - or why you are a great person?

How many points do you have?

I suggest if there is less than 20, you have some work to do.

If you would like to see what makes a great a relationship and how yours stands up, please feel free to complete my Relationship Questionnaire.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us or read "Creating A Magical Relationship".

Why Do People Get Into a Relationship?

In a relationship coaching session, I often ask "Why are you in this relationship?"

A common response is "It beats the hell out of living all by myself".

Oops. Not a good response. Think of the consequences of this statement. At this point in time the session usually goes from bad to worse and it takes a lot of work to get it back.

I find many people get into a relationship for the wrong reasons. They do so to overcome loneliness, the pain of rejection, the need for companionship, the need for sex, the need to feel wanted, the need for financial security and the need to satisfy the ego. One client is in his fourth marriage and has never spent more than a week by himself since he started dating at 17 years of age. Virtually before one relationship ends, he is into the next.

Let's examine each of these needs:

(i) The need to overcome loneliness. As the person hates being by themselves, they look for a mate, any mate that shows interest, to help overcome the problem. As the saying goes "Someone is better than no-one".

(ii) The need to overcome the pain of rejection. When a person feels rejection, they feel so devastated the only way to overcome this is to find another partner. This gets their mind off the hurt - and does so even more if the ex has a new partner.

(iii) The need for companionship. It feels terrible going to parties or out to dinner all by oneself. Some people say their partner is their best friend. I have had a lot of best friends and never married any of them! Your relationship partner needs to be more than your best friend.

(iv) The need for sex. Sometimes a person gets into a relationship because the sex is great. They often fall in love with the sex rather than the person. As a side note - this problem occurs with both men AND women. There are some well known people who are constantly in the media with this problem!

(v) The need to feel wanted. When a person feels wanted or needed, they feel loved. They know they are an asset.

(vi) The need for financial security. They view their partner as able to give them the lifestyle they like or would like. Hence the term, "She/he only married them for their money".

(vii) The need to satisfy the ego. This is a relationship based predominantly on looks. They love something physically about their partner and they often love the admiration bestowed on their partner by others.

A good example of the above is "internet dating". Many tell me they are in love without even meeting their partner! I wouldn't call it ‘love'; it is more like ‘lust'.

While the seven points above are the reasons some people get into a relationship, they are also the reasons why some people stay in a "bad" relationship.

All these make it very difficult for the relationship to succeed.

I consult with many who have separated with children under 5 years of age. They say they have "grown apart" or "no longer get on".

There is a major difference between "love" and "need". One is "giving" and the other is "taking". When you "need" something from the relationship, you become a "taker" - and this can work well so long as your partner is prepared to "give".

This is a huge topic and I have endeavoured to get you thinking about your relationship. In the next newsletter, I will discuss how you can "give" to make your relationship magical.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

Who Makes You Happy?

A well known quote by Abraham Lincoln:

"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Re-written, this says "You are as happy as you decide to be".

When I say this at a seminar, I often get one or two people saying "That's not true". They will back this statement up with "It might be true for you because you work in this area" and "You haven't been through what I've been through". I then ask them what they have been through and I hear about a life that is full of negative experiences.

The fact is, everyone goes through a bad life experience. I consult with people every day who have suffered in some way. I get to hear a lot of life stories - some of which are very gruesome and sad.

My role is to help them deal with this.

In my last newsletter (read it here), I wrote about how things went wrong for us in January and how we dealt with those experiences in a positive way.

Happiness is created by a decision. A decision made by you.

You have a choice as to how and what you think. The problem is, most people do not think about it. They accept whatever enters their mind instead of taking control for what they would like to be thinking.

If you want to be happy, create happy thoughts and do the things that make you happy. If you are doing something that makes you unhappy, either change what you are doing or change your attitude to it.

If you have been through some traumatic experience, learn how to deal with it. How can you make that experience work for you, how can you come out of it better off, what can you learn from that experience to make you a better person?

Just before I got into the self development area, I was rejected out of a relationship by a lady who said the previous week that she loved me dearly. The emotional pain I suffered was so great I was admitted to hospital with chest pains. I made the decision I never wanted to go through that experience again and so began my quest to find a better life.

Twenty-one years later I am now married to the most wonderful lady (Julie) and life is great. I have turned it around through studying the human mind, taking control of how I feel and resolving my past conflicts.

Just as I have created happiness in my life, so too can you. Just as my clients do it, so too can you.

There are thousands of books, cd's, dvd's and seminars showing you how to achieve happiness.

The thing to remember is: You are as happy as you decide to be.

How happy do you want to be? You do have a choice.

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

When a Loved One Dies

In the last newsletter, I covered the choices you have when some thing goes wrong. You can either:

1. Change the event, or
   
2. Change your attitude to the event.

While this may be easy for some events, it is more difficult for others. One of the hardest things to deal with is the death of a loved one. This may be a family member, a friend, a famous person or it may be a pet (many people get very attached to them).

Death is something that affects every person. The loss of a loved one one can leave people feeling devastated and depressed. They can have disbelief and denial that their friend has died. This is often followed by anger and eventually acceptance. Some grieve for months while others grieve for years. Everyone will handle it differently.

A question I am often asked is "Is there a good way?"

With every event that occurs there is both a positive and a negative side. People are conditioned to focus on the negative. They focus on what they are missing, what is not there and how they will come out of something worse off. The positive person focuses on what they do have, what is going right and how they can make the best of what they have.

When someone dies, it is natural to focus on what you don't have, how this person is no longer here and what you are missing. Focusing on this will produce more of the same. And where is this going to get you? Emotionally further down.

Instead of grieving "the loss of ...", think about celebrating "the life of ...". Think of:

• all the good times you have had together.

• the special times you have had and things you have done together.

• how lucky you have been to have had this person in your life.

• what they have taught you and how better off you are for this wisdom.

Accept they have passed away. You cannot physically bring them back. You can mentally. They will always be in that photo album in your head. How do you want to remember them?

To take this a step further, imagine for a moment you have died. As you look down on your loved ones, what do you want them doing and thinking? Do you want them (i) grieving or (ii) moving forward?

How would you like to be remembered - for (i) passing over and leaving them, or (ii) the great times you had together?

Just as the (ii) answers are the best for what you would want for those you left behind, it is what those who have passed would like you to do.

Remembering those you love for the good times, empowers you. And isn't this what they would want?

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

What A Start!

What a month January has been.

For us, on the 2nd, our pet Burnese Mountain dog of 10 years died unexpectedly after a "safe and minor" operation. On the 4th, my brother's wife passed away after a long illness leaving two young children. Three days before school was due to begin, our 8 year old son's 122 year old school was torched and burnt to the ground.

How would you handle all of this?

When people find out what has happened, their first comment is often "You poor things. You must be finding it really hard".

The reason I am writing about this is bad stuff happens to everyone. People die, relationships break up and good things are lost. In the bigger picture, there is a higher cost to goods, interest rates are on the increase and the stock market has crashed.

Most people then begin to focus on the negative - what they are missing, what's going wrong and how they will be worse off. This thinking will only lead to more of the same. A time can be reached where they feel totally "down" and depressed.

When doing this, ask yourself the question, "Is my reaction to my current state empowering me or stressing me? Is it delivering me into a better or worse state?"

The event determines your thinking. Your thinking determines the emotion you feel.

If you are not happy feeling the way you do, recognise it is important to change it.

The way to do this is to ask yourself some key questions:

1. Can I change the event?
Can I change the deaths or the fact that the school has burnt down?
No.
Therefore it is important to accept this as it is.

2. Given my current situation is what it is, what are my options?
(a) I can wallow in what I don't have, what's going wrong and what's missing.
Where will this thinking get me?

(b) I can focus on the positive, what I do have, what is going right. I can make the situation work for me.

With the death of our pet dog, we enlarged our favourite photo and placed it in a prominent position. We remember all the good times. We may even buy a pup to continue the good times.

With the school burning down, we will now get a bigger, well planned and beautiful new school that is designed to meet the current day needs of both teachers and students. Hopefully, many parents will take a more active role in helping the school go forward.

With the death of a loved one, there is much emotion involved and I will cover how to deal with that in the next issue.

You do have the choice in how you process what is happening (or not happening) in your life. You can make an experience work for you or against you.

If you would like some help to deal with an issue, please feel free to enquire as to how we can help.

Are You Always Right?

I regularly hear someone describe another person as "Stubborn". They may use phrases like "You're stubborn as a mule" and "You're really pig-headed".

Stubborn is defined as "performed or carried on in an unyielding, obstinate, or persistent manner".

When stubborn people make up their mind, it is made up and nothing will change it. This becomes interesting when two stubborn people have to sort out a problem when they have different points of view. The result is one good argument - with neither willing to give in or change.

Should we have to give in or change?

You're thoughts are your thoughts - and you have to be accountable for them. If you are living by yourself, you can afford to get your own way all the time.

The problem is, your way may not necessarily be the best way.

People who are stubborn only "see what they want to see". They are locked in to a certain outcome. So ...

Why Are People Stubborn?

The thing to remember, people do things because they consciously or unconsciously gain a benefit.

There is a benefit to being stubborn. One is, it keeps the person "emotionally safe". They feel good with what they believe and to change it will produce some emotional pain. It may be the fact that, if they change and it doesn't work out, they are seen to be wrong - and hate being wrong. Therefore, they always have to be right. This can also make them feel in control.

To be right - and to feel good - they stick to what they know.

One common example I see is with a husband and wife discussing the best way parent. Both can believe they have the best way and are not willing to look at alternatives. While they focus on what is best for themselves and are in conflict, they are not working on what is best for the child.

Where in life do you have to get your own way?

Is it when discussing things with your partner or at work?

Decide whether getting your own way is in your best interest.

The ultimate is to let others have their say and recognise their beliefs are their beliefs. Respect them. Their beliefs do not have to be yours. Be clear on your beliefs. Where you have different beliefs and need to find an outcome, brainstorm all possibilities so you can achieve the best result.

Stubborn people seldom learn new things. In order to learn, it is important to embrace new ideas. Go with the flow.

Who Wins an Argument?

It is something that everyone does, whether it is with their children, in a relationship or at work. The problem is, arguments often become heated and can have devastating results.

What starts out as a discussion can quickly lead to a heated argument, which can then get physical. When the emotions are running, one or both people can say or do things in the heat of the moment they may regret for a very long time.

And when you argue with someone, who wins?

The answer is "No-one", "the loudest" or "the strongest".

I've seldom seen two people walk away from an argument happy.

Think of the times when you argue. What is the result? And what effect does this have on both yourself and the person you are arguing with?

When an argument starts, there are a number of things that can happen:
(i) both people have to win. This will lead to a full-on confrontation.
(ii) one has to win while the other gives in. The person giving in often does so to avoid confrontation and will feel resentful and/or hurt for not being heard.

So, if arguing is so bad ...

Why Do People Argue?

Arguments occur when two or more people hold different opinions and they both hold the belief they are right and the other person is wrong.

When you argue, you:

(i) Defend what you know. While you are doing this you are not listening to what the other person is saying.

(ii) Are trying to prove you are right and the other person is wrong.

(iii) Are selfish. First, you are saying you are right and the other person is wrong (win/lose). Second, you are trying to change the other person into believing what you believe. In both of these, you are only considering yourself!

One of the biggest needs people have is the need to be right. When you are right, not only do you feel good, you unconsciously think others will also feel good about you.

When Two People Hold Different Opinions, Who is Right?

They both are. You only have to ask them - separately, of course! Each will say they are right for what they believe and the reasons why.

When someone has a different opinion to you, accept they are right for themselves.

Accept their opinion is not your opinion.

It often pays to gain an understanding on why they think the way they do. To gain this understanding, ask them questions like "That's a good point. Can I ask why you think this is right?", " ... why you think this is better than that?" Find out why they think the way they do.

Attempting to convince them to change may not work (as they think they are right). To get them to see another perspective, ask questions like "Do you think ... (this) ... could work or is a possibility?" By asking the right questions, you get them to discover there could be another solution. If they come up with the answer (as against you telling them), they feel good and you will feel good.

If you ask a question like "Could ... (this) ... be a possibility?" and they emphatically say "No", there is a good chance they are stuck with what they think and are not prepared to look beyond that. Accept this and be prepared to move on by changing the topic of conversation.

A great trait to have is one where you can allow others to have their point of view without the need to change them.

If you would like to learn how to avoid confrontation in a positive way, please give us a call.

We would love to know your thoughts.