Gaining Confidence

One of the most common requests I receive is "Can you please help me to have more confidence?"

Confidence is a great trait to have as it allows you to feel happy and in control in nearly every situation.

In order to gain confidence, it is important to identify how much you currently have. Out of 10 (with 10 being the max), how would you rate your confidence?

If you had to walk into a room full of people you don't know, could you make conversation with confidence or would you feel shy and intimidated?

If you had to give a talk at a wedding or a function, could you do it with confidence or would you suffer from nerves and anxiety?

If you were demonstrating how a product works to a group of people and something went wrong, would you feel confident or would you feel embarrassed and a failure?

If you are single, could you approach someone and ask them out on a date or would fear prevail?

Most people feel insecure when they have to perform a specific task or when things go wrong. Their confidence drops.

If you feel this way, let's fix it ...

What Is Confidence?

Confidence is to "Know", "to be certain".

You feel confident reciting the 5 times table as you know it. You feel confident doing your work, as you know how to do it (or you should!).

You will not feel confident doing a task if you have no idea on how to do it.

There are Two Types of Confidence

I divide confidence into two parts:

1. The Confidence to "DO"

This is the confidence to perform a task - like to do your work, speak at a function or ask someone out on a date.

Most people have this type of confidence because they know what they are doing and they stick to what is comfortable for them.

2. The Confidence to "BE"

This is the most important form of confidence as it relates to you the person. This form also determines how confident you feel to perform a task.

The confidence to BE means to know yourself - intimately and specifically.

So, what are your good points? What are the traits that make you a good person?

In my last newsletter, you will have downloaded the pdf and ticked off your traits. If you didn't receive it, download the pdf from here. This shows you are a "great" person who has much to offer.

Through having so many great traits, you are now equal to others.

Through knowing you are a great person:

• You can walk into a room full of people and converse with anyone.
  

• You can ask that special person out on a date because you know you have lots to offer them.
  

• You speak at a function because you know you have a lot to offer with your wisdom.
  

• You can make a mistake demonstrating a product and laugh because you know the mistake does not detract from whom you really are.

You are able to separate who you really are from the results you achieve.

This is important.

The results you achieve bear no relationship to you the person. For example, if you come last in a race, you are still the same person. You still have the same great traits.

Once you know this, it no longer matters what others say about you as you know the truth. You know who you really are.

In the words of Anthony Robbins:

"The identity we hold for ourselves controls our successes and failures, and impacts every area of our lives."

Create your own identity and become the best person you can possibly be.

Good luck.

Become a Great Person

At the end of my last newsletter, I asked you to:

Define what a "good person", a "good worker" or a "kind person" is.

What are their traits? Be very specific.

How did you go? Did you do it?

How many traits did you come up with?

It's interesting how most people can only identify 3 or 4 good traits. However, when asked to list the good points their partner has or a close family member, they generally come up with around 7 points.

This indicates they know their partner/family member better than they know themselves.

Not knowing yourself means you do not like yourself.

How can you like yourself if you don't know what your good points are?

You can't.

Not liking or loving yourself means you need someone else to like/love you for you to feel good. The more you depend on another to like/love you, the more control you give them.

Some people even say "I hate myself".

Think of the consequences of this statement.

Think of how you would feel and the things you would do to feel loved and accepted.

As everyone wants to feel loved, if it isn't coming from within you, it needs to come from another person.

And, as the old saying goes, "You can't love another until you love yourself".

This is why it is important to fall in love with the person you are. To do this, it is important to like the person you are. To do this, you have to know who you are. To do this, you must know your good points and like them.

Pretty simple, really, isn't it!!

So, how do you know yourself?

I have created a pdf with many of the traits of a great person. You can download it from here.

I suggest you go through it and tick the traits you have.

If I have missed some out, please add them (and let me know so I can update the list).

If some are not applicable or you don't think they should be on the list, ignore them (and let me know).

This is a guide only to help you.

This list is also good to identify what type of person you would like to be. If you had to create a "great" person, what traits would he or she have? As soon as you identify who you would like to be, you simply need to put these traits into your life and you become that person.

If there are traits on the list that you don't have, and would like to have, work on the desired traits so they become a part of your life.

And then look out for the new you!

Good luck.

Get to Know Yourself

In my last newsletter, I wrote about how words reveal what you and others are thinking. If you missed it, you can read it here - "Words That Reveal What You Think".

When I ask clients to list their good traits, they often say:

"I suppose I'm a kind person".
"I think I'm a good worker".
"I believe I'm good to others".

What's wrong with these descriptions?

There are two major problems.

I covered one problem in the last newsletter - being the 2nd word in each sentence.

Can you spot the second problem?

The description is vague.

When people say "I'm a good person", I ask "In what way?"

They mostly respond with "I don't know! I just am".

This means they have come up with a good meaning word ("good") to describe themselves but have no idea what that word means.

Result: they are trying to convince themselves they are a good person.

It's easy to say "I'm a good person" or "I'm a good worker" and it will most likely impress others. Problem is, by impressing others, they are trying to impress themselves.

This also applies when clients describe what they love about their partner in a relationship.

When asked what they like, the common response is "They're great".

"I don't know what you mean by ‘great'. Can you please define it?"

"Umm. You know. They're really nice".

It's important to know - specifically - why they are nice.

Action Plan

Define what a "good person", a "good worker" or a "kind person" is.

What are their traits? Be very specific.

Once you know your definition of a "good person", then the statement "I am a good person" means everything to you.

Here's some homework:

1. What sort of person are you? How would you describe yourself?

2. What are your good traits? Make a list.

I'll cover how to be a great person in the next newsletter.

Good luck.

Words That Reveal What You Think

One of the questions I ask many of my clients is:

"What are your good points?"

While the most common response is "Oh, I don't know. I haven't got many", some do come up with a few.

What I notice is how they describe themselves.

"I suppose I'm a kind person".
"I think I'm a good worker".
"I believe I'm good to others".

What's wrong with these descriptions?

There are two major problems. I'll cover one now and one in the next newsletter.

The first problem is the 2nd word to each sentence.

Here are four words:

Hope
Think
Believe
Know

... And you can place "Suppose" up the top there.

Of the above four words, which one is the most important?

Let me give you an example. Imagine I owe you $5,000. Which statement would you prefer to hear?

"I hope I can pay you back"
"I think I can pay you back"
"I believe I can pay you back"
"I know I can pay you back"

Obviously, the last one.

It is definite, certain. The higher we go up the list, the more uncertain things become. "I hope I can pay you back" is very uncertain whereas "I think I can pay you back" is more certain.

What you say describes what you are thinking.

"I think I'm a good person" reveals you are very uncertain about this. "I know I'm a good person" is total certainty.

The same applies to when you, or another person, says things like "I think I can do it", "I hope I can make that appointment" and "I believe that's right".

Action Plan

Become aware of when you use hope, think, believe and know. Change what you say to "I know ..." or to making a statement that involves certainty.

If someone else is using uncertain words, ask them what part they are unsure of or what has to happen for it to become certain. For example, when someone says "I think I can do it", you know they are very doubtful. To overcome this, you may like to ask "What part are you unsure of?" to gain some clarity.

Good luck and let us know your thoughts.

What's Going Right In Life?

Let The Journey Begin ...

I've spent the past 20 years studying the power of the mind and human behaviour. I've also studied some of the world's best in personal development to come up with how to achieve the best from life.

Some of the most important things I've learnt have come from helping clients solve their life problems. As the old saying goes: By helping others, you are also helping yourself.

Over the next few newsletters I plan to help you to achieve more from your life.

This is our year for achieving. The year for getting results.

So, let's begin the journey ...

First, make a list of what is going right in your life.

How many things can you think of?

When I ask my clients what is going right, the common response is "Not Much".

When I ask what is going wrong, there are many items on the list.

This indicates they are giving more energy to what they don't have and what is going wrong than to what they do have and what is going right.

Let me help you out with your list of what's going right.

Write down:

• 5 things you love about each member of your family
  
• 5 things you love about each of your friends
  
• 5 things you love about your job
  
• 5 things you like about your car (even if it is an old bomb - it has a roof to keep the weather out, windscreen wipers to clear the rain, heater, air conditioning, seats, a glove box, boot to store things, etc)
  
• what's working well in your body - arms, legs, eyes, nose, etc. Some people do not have all of these
  
• everything you own. Do a stock take on each room in your home, garage and garden. Itemise each thing. Number of shoes, utensils and shirts. This also helps with your Home and Contents Insurance!
  
• your investments. What are the assets you own?
  
• the people who are helping you to achieve - like financial planners and coaches.

Now I'm willing to bet, especially after writing a list of all you own, there are hundreds, if not thousands of things on your list. These are all things that are assets to you. They are in your life because they serve a function.

Now you have more things going right than going wrong. When things start to go wrong, read your list and focus on what you do have and the thing going wrong may just pale into insignificance.

For example, when something doesn't work out, I focus on what a great family I have, our awesome home and the things we are able to do. Instantly, the thing not working out has no significance. It no longer matters in comparison.

Action Plan

As this is the year to achieve, make your list of what is going right, what is happening and what you do own.

Put it in a safe place so you can regularly review it.

Importantly, you now become grateful for what is in your life. Gratitude means you attract more of the same.

Do You Have Good Will-Power?

In my last newsletter I wrote about managing your time. You can read the article here.

One of my subscribers - Bobby Huddleston - pointed out that in order to manage time, it is important to manage self.

And this is so true. If you are unable to manage yourself, you will have much difficulty managing time and every other part of your life.

What you do, think and say is very much determined by how much self-control you have.

A recent client who consulted with me to Quit Smoking told me she had no will power.

What she meant was, she has no will power to quit smoking. She certainly had the will power to smoke.

Being the New Year, there is a good chance you have made some New Year's resolutions. The most common are to "Quit Smoking", "Lose some weight" and "To get fit".

Research shows most people fail on their resolutions within two weeks of setting them.

While resolutions are the same as Goals, there are a number of reasons why people never achieve them. Some reasons include:

(i) The end result is not defined.
(ii) There is no defined starting or finishing time.
(iii) There is no specific plan in place on how they are going to achieve their goal.
(iv) The resolution is a good idea but they don't have the motivation to achieve it.
(v) Results are not monitored.
(vi) Getting the result is too hard.
(vii) It's a "hope" or "wish" and they don't have the time or energy to put into achieving it.

Resolutions like "To lose weight", "Be healthier" and "To cut back on alcohol" are too wishy washy and will never be achieved. "To lose weight" can mean 1kg or 10kg and also indicates there is no plan in place on how to achieve it. "To be more healthy", "get fitter", "drink less caffeine" and "be more conscientious" mean nothing, as they are not defined. To "quit smoking" is good because it is definite but it needs to have a completion date to it.

To achieve your goal, you need will power. This is determined by how keen you are to achieve your goal. The keener you are, the more will power you will have.

Whenever we have a task to complete, our brain weighs up the positives and the negatives to achieving it. Because we run on energy (and feelings are energy), when we like something, we feel good and emotionally "pull it closer". When we hate something, we emotionally "push it away".

As an example: You have decided to get fit. Tomorrow you are bouncing out of bed at 6:00am and going for an hours walk. At this point, you are "all fired up" with lots of will power. The good feelings are, say, 50 units of energy; the bad feelings 10 units (after all, you haven't been for a good walk for some time!).

The alarm goes off at 6:00am the next morning. You feel tired. The bed is so cozy. You now have 50 units of energy saying "Stay in bed" and 10 units saying "C'mon sleepy head. Out of bed. Time to pound the pavement."

Result: back to sleep with the promise you will start tomorrow!

To have good will power to achieve your goal, write down:

• How important your goal is to you - and "why".
• Define your end result with specific detail.
• A thorough plan - step-by-step - on how you are going to achieve your goal.
• The benefits of achieving it - how good it feels, what it means to you.

Whenever you lose will power, revisit this list as the information should help you get back on track.

Good luck and let me know how you go!

Handling Arguments

How do you handle an argument - especially with a loved one?

Do you fight to the end?
Never give in?
Give in and stew on it?
Say things you will later regret?
Resent them for not listening?
Resolve the conflict?
Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with it.

In most cases, people have a need to be right so continue with the argument until they "beat the other person into submission".

When two fail to resolve their differences, they generally hold resentment for the other. Resentment often leads to anger because their needs are not being met.

Once people get "steamed up", they will often say hurtful things in order to "win" the argument. Things they will later regret.

What is amazing is how some people demonstrate how they love someone.

Yelling, being hurtful, degrading and being physically violent are funny ways of showing love!

The people they hurt the most are those that are closest to them. They somehow have this belief the loved one will tolerate what they say and do.

What it does in reality is place a large strain on that relationship.

When you hold some form of resentment, you are focusing on what you don't like and how your needs are not being met. Because this is getting all your attention, you then begin to attract similar situations.


The Solution

Two ways of overcoming arguments and disagreements:

1. Let go of the need to be right and look for a solution that is best for your relationship or the family.

Hanging on to the need to be right means you are selfish as you are only thinking of yourself. When you enter a relationship, you now have your partner to consider. Add children, ad you now have to consider them as well.

2. When you have a disagreement with someone, especially if it is someone you love, ask yourself:

"What do I most want right now in this situation?"

Do you want to be at war with this person or do you want to be a friend or be in love with them?

The answer to this will determine what happens thereafter!

If you would like to be at war, go for it. Just be aware of the consequences.

If you want to be a friend or in love them, say something like: "Let's find a solution that suits us both. After all, you are my best friend and I want us to be happy together".

What you say and do impacts on others. Be careful with what you say, think and do.

When you argue or disagree, someone has to break the deadlock. Let it be you.

Not only will you benefit from the result, others will also.