When a Loved One Dies

In the last newsletter, I covered the choices you have when some thing goes wrong. You can either:

1. Change the event, or
   
2. Change your attitude to the event.

While this may be easy for some events, it is more difficult for others. One of the hardest things to deal with is the death of a loved one. This may be a family member, a friend, a famous person or it may be a pet (many people get very attached to them).

Death is something that affects every person. The loss of a loved one one can leave people feeling devastated and depressed. They can have disbelief and denial that their friend has died. This is often followed by anger and eventually acceptance. Some grieve for months while others grieve for years. Everyone will handle it differently.

A question I am often asked is "Is there a good way?"

With every event that occurs there is both a positive and a negative side. People are conditioned to focus on the negative. They focus on what they are missing, what is not there and how they will come out of something worse off. The positive person focuses on what they do have, what is going right and how they can make the best of what they have.

When someone dies, it is natural to focus on what you don't have, how this person is no longer here and what you are missing. Focusing on this will produce more of the same. And where is this going to get you? Emotionally further down.

Instead of grieving "the loss of ...", think about celebrating "the life of ...". Think of:

• all the good times you have had together.

• the special times you have had and things you have done together.

• how lucky you have been to have had this person in your life.

• what they have taught you and how better off you are for this wisdom.

Accept they have passed away. You cannot physically bring them back. You can mentally. They will always be in that photo album in your head. How do you want to remember them?

To take this a step further, imagine for a moment you have died. As you look down on your loved ones, what do you want them doing and thinking? Do you want them (i) grieving or (ii) moving forward?

How would you like to be remembered - for (i) passing over and leaving them, or (ii) the great times you had together?

Just as the (ii) answers are the best for what you would want for those you left behind, it is what those who have passed would like you to do.

Remembering those you love for the good times, empowers you. And isn't this what they would want?

If you would like any help in this area, please feel free to contact us.

What A Start!

What a month January has been.

For us, on the 2nd, our pet Burnese Mountain dog of 10 years died unexpectedly after a "safe and minor" operation. On the 4th, my brother's wife passed away after a long illness leaving two young children. Three days before school was due to begin, our 8 year old son's 122 year old school was torched and burnt to the ground.

How would you handle all of this?

When people find out what has happened, their first comment is often "You poor things. You must be finding it really hard".

The reason I am writing about this is bad stuff happens to everyone. People die, relationships break up and good things are lost. In the bigger picture, there is a higher cost to goods, interest rates are on the increase and the stock market has crashed.

Most people then begin to focus on the negative - what they are missing, what's going wrong and how they will be worse off. This thinking will only lead to more of the same. A time can be reached where they feel totally "down" and depressed.

When doing this, ask yourself the question, "Is my reaction to my current state empowering me or stressing me? Is it delivering me into a better or worse state?"

The event determines your thinking. Your thinking determines the emotion you feel.

If you are not happy feeling the way you do, recognise it is important to change it.

The way to do this is to ask yourself some key questions:

1. Can I change the event?
Can I change the deaths or the fact that the school has burnt down?
No.
Therefore it is important to accept this as it is.

2. Given my current situation is what it is, what are my options?
(a) I can wallow in what I don't have, what's going wrong and what's missing.
Where will this thinking get me?

(b) I can focus on the positive, what I do have, what is going right. I can make the situation work for me.

With the death of our pet dog, we enlarged our favourite photo and placed it in a prominent position. We remember all the good times. We may even buy a pup to continue the good times.

With the school burning down, we will now get a bigger, well planned and beautiful new school that is designed to meet the current day needs of both teachers and students. Hopefully, many parents will take a more active role in helping the school go forward.

With the death of a loved one, there is much emotion involved and I will cover how to deal with that in the next issue.

You do have the choice in how you process what is happening (or not happening) in your life. You can make an experience work for you or against you.

If you would like some help to deal with an issue, please feel free to enquire as to how we can help.

Are You Always Right?

I regularly hear someone describe another person as "Stubborn". They may use phrases like "You're stubborn as a mule" and "You're really pig-headed".

Stubborn is defined as "performed or carried on in an unyielding, obstinate, or persistent manner".

When stubborn people make up their mind, it is made up and nothing will change it. This becomes interesting when two stubborn people have to sort out a problem when they have different points of view. The result is one good argument - with neither willing to give in or change.

Should we have to give in or change?

You're thoughts are your thoughts - and you have to be accountable for them. If you are living by yourself, you can afford to get your own way all the time.

The problem is, your way may not necessarily be the best way.

People who are stubborn only "see what they want to see". They are locked in to a certain outcome. So ...

Why Are People Stubborn?

The thing to remember, people do things because they consciously or unconsciously gain a benefit.

There is a benefit to being stubborn. One is, it keeps the person "emotionally safe". They feel good with what they believe and to change it will produce some emotional pain. It may be the fact that, if they change and it doesn't work out, they are seen to be wrong - and hate being wrong. Therefore, they always have to be right. This can also make them feel in control.

To be right - and to feel good - they stick to what they know.

One common example I see is with a husband and wife discussing the best way parent. Both can believe they have the best way and are not willing to look at alternatives. While they focus on what is best for themselves and are in conflict, they are not working on what is best for the child.

Where in life do you have to get your own way?

Is it when discussing things with your partner or at work?

Decide whether getting your own way is in your best interest.

The ultimate is to let others have their say and recognise their beliefs are their beliefs. Respect them. Their beliefs do not have to be yours. Be clear on your beliefs. Where you have different beliefs and need to find an outcome, brainstorm all possibilities so you can achieve the best result.

Stubborn people seldom learn new things. In order to learn, it is important to embrace new ideas. Go with the flow.

Who Wins an Argument?

It is something that everyone does, whether it is with their children, in a relationship or at work. The problem is, arguments often become heated and can have devastating results.

What starts out as a discussion can quickly lead to a heated argument, which can then get physical. When the emotions are running, one or both people can say or do things in the heat of the moment they may regret for a very long time.

And when you argue with someone, who wins?

The answer is "No-one", "the loudest" or "the strongest".

I've seldom seen two people walk away from an argument happy.

Think of the times when you argue. What is the result? And what effect does this have on both yourself and the person you are arguing with?

When an argument starts, there are a number of things that can happen:
(i) both people have to win. This will lead to a full-on confrontation.
(ii) one has to win while the other gives in. The person giving in often does so to avoid confrontation and will feel resentful and/or hurt for not being heard.

So, if arguing is so bad ...

Why Do People Argue?

Arguments occur when two or more people hold different opinions and they both hold the belief they are right and the other person is wrong.

When you argue, you:

(i) Defend what you know. While you are doing this you are not listening to what the other person is saying.

(ii) Are trying to prove you are right and the other person is wrong.

(iii) Are selfish. First, you are saying you are right and the other person is wrong (win/lose). Second, you are trying to change the other person into believing what you believe. In both of these, you are only considering yourself!

One of the biggest needs people have is the need to be right. When you are right, not only do you feel good, you unconsciously think others will also feel good about you.

When Two People Hold Different Opinions, Who is Right?

They both are. You only have to ask them - separately, of course! Each will say they are right for what they believe and the reasons why.

When someone has a different opinion to you, accept they are right for themselves.

Accept their opinion is not your opinion.

It often pays to gain an understanding on why they think the way they do. To gain this understanding, ask them questions like "That's a good point. Can I ask why you think this is right?", " ... why you think this is better than that?" Find out why they think the way they do.

Attempting to convince them to change may not work (as they think they are right). To get them to see another perspective, ask questions like "Do you think ... (this) ... could work or is a possibility?" By asking the right questions, you get them to discover there could be another solution. If they come up with the answer (as against you telling them), they feel good and you will feel good.

If you ask a question like "Could ... (this) ... be a possibility?" and they emphatically say "No", there is a good chance they are stuck with what they think and are not prepared to look beyond that. Accept this and be prepared to move on by changing the topic of conversation.

A great trait to have is one where you can allow others to have their point of view without the need to change them.

If you would like to learn how to avoid confrontation in a positive way, please give us a call.

We would love to know your thoughts.

Is Your Personality Killing You?

The shocked death of well known Australian John Ilhan (of Crazy John Mobile Phone outlets) at the young age of 42 years has caused many people to look at their life.

John had built a multi million dollar empire, had a young family, was fit and ate healthy food. While he looked after himself physically, he still died at a young age.

While you may eat all the healthy foods and exercise, it is also important to address another important factor - Stress.

There are three personality types:
Type A
Type B
Type C

Take the test to see which one you are

Traits of Type A:
• Often frustrated
• Constantly interrupts others
• Walks and/or talks very quickly
• Impatient, always in a hurry
• Time urgent - aware of lack of time
• Rude / intolerant of others
• Easily upset over small things
• Workaholics
• Always on the go
• Competitive
• Short tempered
• Very high achievers
• Easily upset - especially by others
• Hates making mistakes / being wrong

People who fall into this category have tight muscles, grind their teeth and are unable to relax.

Traits of Type B:
• Relaxed
• Patient
• Not much worries them
• Creative
• Imaginative
• Often self analyzes

Traits of Type C:
• Takes things to heart
• Stews on things
• Internalises everything

The consequences of having a Type A Personality are:
• Hypertension
• Heart disease - a certainty by age 65
• Poor sleepers
• Can over consume alcohol / drugs / cigarettes
• Job stress - generally take on demanding jobs
• Often alienate others
• Focus very little on relationships

Type C is the worst as they are heading at a rapid rate to an early grave as they are a bigger problem than Type A.

Type B is laid back with very little worrying them and tend to live for a long time. They drive Type A nuts - especially in the workplace - which only adds to the Type A's stress levels!

Which one are you - Type A, B or C?

You may be a combination. Some say the best is to be predominantly B with a touch of A.

If you are predominantly A or C, I suggest a change may be worthwhile.

Be committed to constantly improving the person you are and becoming your best.

If you would like to change your personality type, please get in contact with us.

A Leopard Never Changes Its Spots

I hear this statement regularly. It means the way a person is today is the way they will always be.

For most people, this will be true. The way they think and do things today is the way they will think and do things tomorrow. Nothing will change because they are not interested in changing.

A person who tells lies today will tell lies tomorrow.
A person who is unfaithful today will be unfaithful tomorrow.
A person who is angry today will be angry tomorrow.

Their thinking remains the same.

As a well known saying goes: the best way to predict a person's actions tomorrow is on their actions today. In other words, what you get today is what you are going to get tomorrow.

I often consult with someone for marriage counselling who says: "I knew he had these bad habits but I thought I could change him. I thought once we were married and had children, he would be different".

Wrong.

Does this mean people will never change?

No. People will change so long as there is a need for them to change.

They will change for two basics reasons:
(i) there is pleasure to be gained in making the change, or
(ii) they will be worse off or suffer pain if they don't change.

I am committed to being the best I can so am regularly looking for new ways to help myself and others. The pleasure I gain from making the change is so good I am happy to do it.

On the other hand, back in my "darker days", when a relationship was failing I would do anything just to pacify my partner. I made any changes she wanted because I didn't want to experience the pain of rejection. I reached a point after many rejections and hitting rock bottom where I changed the way I thought and the way I did things to avoid any more pain.

As Julie will testify, I am a lot different today to what I was 10 years ago.

The past does not have to equal the future.

You can change - if you want to.

Be committed to constantly improving the person you are.

If you are having trouble with changing, please get in contact with us.

Why Won’t You Talk To Me?

I often hear one family member ask another family member this question.

It may be a parent speaking to a child or a spouse speaking with their partner. One person is looking for answers while the other is reluctant to speak. The result is often frustration for both. The person asking the questions is not getting any answers while the person being asked the questions thinks they are being pressured to talk. This person then withdraws, making it even more frustrating for the person asking the question.


How do you overcome this problem?
1. Identify it is important to communicate. Good communication gives understanding which in turn gives peace of mind.

Communication allows you to share ideas and experiences, to sort out problems and to make others aware of what you think and what you are doing.

Without good communication, your relationship with others becomes difficult.

2. Do you have the skills to be able to communicate? I often consult with people who say “I have never been taught how to say what I feel or what I am thinking”.

If you don’t know how to communicate, learn the necessary skills. Some key skills are to be able to say what you are thinking in a nice way and to be able to LISTEN. This means giving the speaker your whole attention and processing what they are saying.

Your body language will soon let the speaker know whether you are listening. Watching television while someone is speaking is not listening – to them!!

3. Is there something stopping you from communicating? The most common blockage is fear.

This can be fear of:
- Saying the wrong thing,
- How others will perceive what you say,
- Being ridiculed,
- Being put down,
- Not being listened to,
- Your opinion is not valued – so why say anything.


I was working with a married couple. She complained her husband never had an opinion and wouldn’t say what was on his mind. When I asked him for his take on things, he began to tell me his side of the story.

She immediately interjected with “That’s not right” and proceeded to tell me what was right. Every time he spoke, she overpowered him. He had learnt it was easier to say nothing than to say something and be screamed down.

If you want people to say what they feel, give them the space to do so without casting judgement. We learn quickly what gives us pleasure and what creates pain. People will only communicate if there is pleasure to be gained.

Children (and adults) will not tell the truth or say anything if they feel they are going to get into trouble or if what they say is going to be used against them.

How are your communication skills?

Do you let others have their say or are you constantly interrupting, overpowering or judging them?

Do you listen effectively or are you often preoccupied with your thoughts or what is going on around you?