A Trait That Will Bring You Undone - Part 2

In the last newsletter, I covered one of the many, and lesser known, causes of depression. If you would like to read it, please click here.

This is one of the hardest states to recognise and deal with. Most who have it are in complete denial and are difficult to work with as clients.

This state is: Perfectionism

While most clients who have the problem say they are not perfectionists, they are very high achievers who are just a step below the perfectionist. Here are some of the traits of a perfectionist:

• A need to be right/hate being wrong
• A need to win/hate losing
• Massive fear of failing
• All or nothing attitude
• Can't handle any criticism
• Very critical - of themselves and others
• Have a very high expectation on themselves to achieve. When these are not met, beat themselves up and wallow in their negative thinking.
• When a problem or fault is pointed out, they are in denial it exists.

This problem generally begins in childhood where the child goes through some sort of experience where they feel unloved, not good enough, a failure. They soon work out by doing well they receive lots of praise and "love". The better they perform, the more they receive. They then become obsessed with doing "perfect" as you can't get better than perfect.


Overcoming Perfectionism

When you place a high expectation on yourself to perform, you also place a huge amount of pressure on yourself. When under pressure, you are more prone to failure. This then leads to much stress. Not wanting to feel stressed (and seeing it as a weakness), you then have higher expectations and more pressure ... and so the wheel turns!

A person will not change unless they recognise they have the problem and it is working against them. If I bring this problem up in the first session with a client, they generally won't come back for a second session. It is too challenging and shows they have a fault - which they hate.

Imagine you have an 8-year-old son. Your son is about to run a 100 meter race against 7 opponents.

Where would you like him to come? Be honest!

Why here?

Where don't you want him to come?

Most want their child to come first. Some say "2nd to 4th would be good".

To the reason "Why", people say "Because it will make him feel good". Think about this statement and the consequences to it.

To where they don't want him to come, nearly everyone says "Last".

Think of the message this sends to the child - whether you say anything or just think it!

What are your expectations for your son in this race?

Before going on, write your answer down.

I'm willing to bet you said "To do their best and to have fun".

Excellent. These are the expectations you need to have for yourself.

What are the positives to coming 4th in the race?
What are the positives to coming to last?

Most say "There aren't any" - which reinforces the reasons for coming 1st!

They are 4th or 8th fastest. They may have achieved their best time.

The important part is, they are there to have fun and to do their best.

Just as they should be happy with their best, so should you.

Also, do you love them more if they come first?
Do you love them less if they come last?

Of course you don't. You love and accept them for who they are. In other words, you love the person, not the performance.

People love you for who you are, not for how you perform. If they love you for your performance, I suggest it is a very shallow relationship!

Practise being happy with your best.
Accept what you can and can't do.
If someone doesn't accept your best, they have the problem.
Do it for you, for the enjoyment.

This allows all the pressure and stress to disappear.

A Trait That Will Bring You Undone

When things go wrong, you have your own way of dealing with it.

The best, and most healthy way is through your own thinking. The problem is, we are seldom taught how to do this.

If you do not have the ability to help yourself through your own thinking, you may resort to drugs (prescribed and recreation), alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, exercise and perhaps self mutilation.

When all else fails and the emotional (or physical) pain gets too hard to handle, many take their own life.

Mark Priestly, a 32 year old actor who starred in an Australian production called "All Saints" recently took his life because of depression.

This shows no-one is immune to depression. Regardless of your age, colour and income, you are prone to this debilitating problem.

While I have covered this topic many times before, I want to cover a lesser known cause - one that is rarely associated with depression but one that has major consequences on how a person feels and processes their thinking.

This is one of the hardest emotions to recognise and deal with. Most who have it are in complete denial and are difficult to work with as clients.

This trait is: Perfectionism

While most clients who have the problem say they are not perfectionists, a quick test soon reveals they are. Here are some of the traits of a perfectionist:

• A need to be right/hate being wrong
  
• A need to win/hate losing
  
• Massive fear of failing
  
• All or nothing
  
• Can't handle constructive criticism (or any criticism)
  
• Very critical - of themselves and others
  
• Have a very high expectation on themselves to achieve. When these are not met, beat themselves up and wallow in their negative thinking.
  
• When a problem or fault is pointed out, they are in denial it exists.
  

This problem generally begins in childhood where the child goes through some sort of experience where they feel unloved, not good enough, a failure. They soon work out by doing well they receive lots of praise and "love". The better they perform, the more they receive. They then become obsessed with doing "perfect" as you can't get better than perfect.

I have had adolescent and teenage clients who won't play a game of sport unless they know they are going to win.

The bottom line is they are looking for acceptance and are totally geared to doing whatever it takes to achieve this.

When you place a high expectation on yourself to perform, you also place a huge amount of pressure on yourself. When under pressure, you are more prone to failure. This then leads to much stress. Not wanting to feel stressed (and seeing it as a weakness), you then have higher expectations and more pressure ... and so the wheel turns!

When there are no solutions to their "poor performance" and they beat themselves up, these people often suffer from severe depression and often want to end it all.

Do you place pressure on yourself to perform?

Do you hate losing/getting things wrong?

Are you a perfectionist?

If you are not sure, ask your partner or a family member to gain their insight.

If what you are currently doing is not working in your best interest, it's time to make a change.

As this is a long article, I have decided to cover how to overcome this problem of perfectionism in the next blog. Stay tuned!