The Number One Destroyer of Performance?

For the past two weeks I have been a keen viewer of the Olympic Games. I was interested for two main reasons:

* I'm a keen sports person and, as a schoolboy many years ago, I was lucky enough to go to a school that had us try as many sports as possible. This gave me a good knowledge on the skills that are required for each sport and allowed me to select the sports I loved. One such love was athletics.

* As I work in the self-development field, I'm keen to hear what motivates athletes and why they think they do well or why they perform poorly.
I noticed while most athletes had a great attitude before they competed, others began to feel the pressure.

This pressure may come from themselves, their team or their country. They feel, especially if they have performed well on the World stage previously, they have to perform well at the Olympics.

Pressure causes a person to "tighten up" physically and emotionally and their performance then suffers.

This can occur in your everyday life.


Do you place pressure on yourself to perform?

Do you place pressure on yourself to get things done?

Let me give you an excellent example of how this works. Imagine you are in a shopping mall and a person you met last week approaches you and says "Hello clive. We met last week". You remember their face but you can't remember their name.

You may well improvise and say "Yes, I remember. G'day Mate".

As the conversation continues, they constantly refer to you as "clive". You try as hard as you can to remember their name. It appears the harder you try, the less chance you have of remembering it.

Once the conversation ends and they walk away, you generally remember their name.

Why?

No pressure. You feel relaxed.

When you have to remember something, instead of putting pressure on yourself, tell yourself to relax. Tell yourself that what you need to remember will come to you quickly and easily.

If you have ever had your brain go blank during an exam, one reason this occurs is because you place pressure on yourself. Once you move onto another question, the answers to the previous questions come flooding in.

I have to say, this never happened to me in my final HSC Physics exam! Everything was blank - probably because I hadn't studied as much as I should and didn't know the answers!

Back to the Olympics. You may have noticed the athletes that performed well beyond expectation were often the ones who had nothing to lose (so there was no unreal expectations and no pressure).

One great example is Matthew Mitcham, the 20 year old Sydney diver who came from behind to win the 10 meter platform gold medal. To win the gold, he had to score over 108 points in his final dive. He achieved an Olympic first by scoring 112.10 points.

When asked what he was thinking just before his final dive, he said he told himself to enjoy the moment and to do his best.

Do You Listen To Others?

I recently watched an interview with Sonny Bill Williams - a 22 year old who has been in the news in Australia for breaking a 5-year contract to a team in Sydney to play another code of football in France (for a lot more money).

While I think Sonny Bill is a great player, I can't help but think he is confused and has been listening to another well-known ex-player who is renowned for controversy. The reason I say this is because:
(i) much of what Sonny Bill said in the interview were the words and tone this ex-player uses.
(ii) he says he loves rugby league more than anything else yet he has left it and will be unable to return to it at the highest level. Why would you leave something you truly love when there are other options?
(iii) he appeared confused when asked about the reasons he left.

There are a lot of reasons why I think he is confused - they are not the focus of this article.

While I like Sonny Bill, I'm wondering how "worldly" one can be when making life decisions at 22 years of age.

This got me thinking about how many people do something similar. In other words, do they get the help that is best for them?

Jane, I'd like to take this concept and relate it to your life.

Do you listen to the advice others give you without question?

Do you tell others what they should be doing?

For example, "I would buy that if I was you" and "Go get another job".

Just as you can tell others what they should be doing, others can be telling you what to do. I often hear clients tell me that a relative or another professional has told them to leave their partner because they are not happy in that relationship or their partner has had an affair.

People often take the advice because they don't want to disappoint the advisor.

When people give advice, they do so with the aim of helping. The problem is, the advice they give is what they would do in that situation. And lets face it, it's easy to tell someone else what to do.

Many of the people I consult are happy to give advice but, when they are in a similar situation, they fail to take their own advice.

If you would like to help someone, let go of the need to tell them what to do. Instead, give them options.

As an example, when someone consults with me because their partner has had an affair, I ask them what is their ideal result. If they don't know, I give them possible options. If they want to stay with their partner, we discuss ways to make this happen.

It is important that the client's needs are met. It is important that whoever you are trying to help is able to make the best decision for them. Your role is not to make that decision; it is to help them make that decision.

If you have to do what others say without question, I would suggest you feel a little insecure and have a big need to impress them. It is important for you to make a decision that is right for you. Gather all the information you can - perhaps through asking others - to help you make the best decision. Remember, what others say is what they would do in that situation - and this may not be what you would like to do.

Are You A Good Conversationalist?

It was a 40th Birthday party. I was introduced to a gentleman who had just returned from France.

I began asking what he did in France and he said he was over there on a wine study tour. I've heard about them! He began telling me about the French wines, how they are made and why they are so good.

With a background in agriculture and having had the odd wine, I was interested in what he knew and asked lots of questions. After around 40 minutes, I had run out of questions when another man joined the conversation. He, too, asked about the man's trip to France so I excused myself and moved on.

The person who was celebrating the 40th Birthday later told me his friend from France had commented I was a great person to talk to. This amazed me as all I did was listen and ask questions.

I learnt two things that night. How easy it is to impress people and how many people get so involved in themselves, they forget about the person with whom they are having a conversation.

His remark "... a great person to talk to" summed it up. He spoke "to" me, not "with" me.

As another example, I recently walked away from a 30 minute conversation where I found out the name of the other person, what they did for a living, where they lived, all about their family, their favourite music and their hobbies. The irony was, they walked away without even asking my name or anything about me. It was 100% one way.

Maybe you know some people like this? Once you run out of questions to ask, they are hard work as all they want to do is talk about themselves.

What I have learnt is, to be a great conversationalist, listen intently to what people say and ask questions relating to their topic of interest or themselves.

People love talking about themselves, their pains and what they have accomplished.

While you may eventually find them boring, they will like you.

If you have trouble getting a conversation going, the following may help:

1. Avoid asking questions that require a one or two-word answer like "Yes", "No", "Don't know". For example, "Have you had a good day?" "Yes". "Been busy?" "Not really". If they are not into conversation, it can die very quickly.
   

2. Ask questions that are open-ended. These require them to give an expanded answer. "What music do you love?" "What do you like best about your new car?" "Tell me about the work you do".

Occasionally, you will meet someone who, when asked an open-ended question will constantly reply with something like "Not Much". You can either search for a topic they are interested in - you may even ask "What are you interested in?" or, if you continue to get two worded answers, it may be time to move on and find someone who is interested in speaking with you.

People who only speak about themselves (and are not interested in you) or who fail to keep a conversation going are often very insecure. One gains security by peaking about themselves while the other feels so insecure it is better to say next to nothing.

It's easy to think these people are not interested in you and to take their lack of participation personally. Don't. So long as you are working on making conversation, any lack of it from them is their problem.

The best conversation occurs between two or more people who listen intently, ask good questions and keep the conservation going. This works best when both of you show interest in each other. Find a topic you are both interested in and the conversation can last for hours.

Whether you are shy, withdrawn or the life of the party, you, too, can be a good conversationalist.