Monday 14 July 2008

Your Ego May Be Costing You

Last month I wrote how my last book "Think Yourself Slim" has been taken off the market. While I had done my homework and checked on the Internet and with a bookshop that there was no other book of this title, I still came undone.

In fact, I was surprised that a fellow author was able to Trademark a book title similar to mine 6 months after mine was released. I was also surprised the Trademark people had allowed him to Trademark a book title - especially when their guidelines say you are only allowed to Trademark a book title if it is like a "Harry Potter" with other merchandise attached to the name. This other author is not a "Harry Potter".

The Trademark guidelines also states you are not allowed to Trademark common words. I would have thought "Think", "Yourself" and "Slim" were common words!

While I spent a lot of money fighting this, I reached a point where I had to make a decision on whether I kept going. It became a ‘this author' versus ‘me' battle and I see they weren't about to give in.

So, why am I telling you?

Good question!

Have you ever been in a ‘battle' with someone? It may be a relative or a friend. It may be a business - like a shop where you have purchased something.

You are at loggerheads with this person/business because you think you are right and they are wrong. You may have purchased something from a business and they refuse to exchange it. A family member may have taken something they are not entitled to or done something you don't agree with.

The battle can become nasty. It is ‘tick-for-tack'. You may even say "I'm not going to give in. I don't care what it takes, they're not going to win. I know I'm right".

In my personal coaching business, I have seen relationships and friendships destroyed over the need to win the battle. I have seen people lose a lot of money (and, on many occasions, their health) because they refused to concede. This is particularly true when relationships break-up.

Their ego became so BIG, it was ‘win at all costs' - and there generally is a cost. A well-known phrase that best describes this is "You win the war but lost the battle". So, even if you win, you still lose. It's still going to cost you in some way.

Many a couple going through divorce have lost everything because of their need to win at all costs. The only people who have won are the solicitors and the real estate people.

In my personal example, I placed a ceiling on the amount of money I was prepared to spend. I knew, whatever I spent, I would not get back - regardless of whether I won or lost. It was gone forever to my solicitors. I knew the same held true for this other author.

When the time arrived and I had to cough up thousands of more dollars, I knew I could release a new book for this new sum and have some money left over. I wasn't attached to the title, and, the more I tested other titles, the more convinced I was that it was time to concede.

I wish the other author well and I am now on a new journey.

Do you know when to pull out of the battle?

Do you know when it is time to say "Enough is enough"? It takes a far bigger person to concede, knowing they will eventually ‘win'. The cost of the lost money and your health is not worth the satisfaction of saying "I won but lost everything that is important to me".

Your ego can get you into a lot of trouble.

Develop the ability to know when to let go.

Wednesday 2 July 2008

Having Trouble Saying "No"?

Have you ever had trouble saying "No" when asked to do something?

A lot of people do. They are obsessed with saying "Yes" to everything they are asked to do.

So, why do people hate saying "No"?

The main reason is they don't want to offend the other person. They want this person to think highly of them and to like them.

The problem is, always saying "Yes" produces some hardship. It means the person saying "yes" seldom gets to do what they want. This, in turn, produces a feeling of frustration.

On the other hand, some people say "No" bluntly and have little concern or feeling for the other person.

There is middle ground.

When asked to do something you don't want to do or can't do, respond by saying " I'm sorry, I am unable to do it today, because .... However, I am able to do it tomorrow (or at a time that suits)".

For example, when asked to baby-sit a friend's children, "I'm unable to do it tonight because we are going out to a 21st birthday party. However, I can do it tomorrow evening or at the weekend."

This shows your friend that you are willing to baby-sit. It's just the time doesn't suit. A blunt "No, I can't" is interpreted as you are not willing to help out - ever!

Think of when you ask someone to do something and they say "No, I can't". You seldom feel like asking them again. (In some circumstances, you may feel that is good!!)

Quite often, the person asking you will not be happy with you saying you are unable to help them out tonight and continue to place pressure on you to say "Yes". And they will know from past experience, if they hassle you long enough, you will eventually give in and say "Yes".

When this occurs, repeat the above and offer them names of others who may be able to help out. For example, "I'm unable to do it tonight because we are going out to a 21st birthday party. Give Joan, Maddie or Simone a call and see if they can help you out for tonight".

This shows you are doing your best to help.

If you have been a "Yes" person for a long time, the person asking you to baby-sit may begin to put the "guilts" on you by saying "You don't care about me missing out on this function" or "You're really selfish".

Both are manipulating statements issued to coerce you into doing what they want.

If they don't accept your reason and continue to make you feel guilty, who is the selfish one?

They are, because they are only thinking about themselves and have no consideration for you and what you would like to do. You, on the other hand, are considering both yourself and them.

It's not your problem they are unable to get a babysitter. Your position is to help, if possible. If one of their children needed to go to the emergency ward at the hospital, you may deem this to be more important than the 21st birthday and decide to help them out.

Learn to be strong and say "No" where applicable.

You are entitled to a life, too.