A Leopard Never Changes Its Spots

I hear this statement regularly. It means the way a person is today is the way they will always be.

For most people, this will be true. The way they think and do things today is the way they will think and do things tomorrow. Nothing will change because they are not interested in changing.

A person who tells lies today will tell lies tomorrow.
A person who is unfaithful today will be unfaithful tomorrow.
A person who is angry today will be angry tomorrow.

Their thinking remains the same.

As a well known saying goes: the best way to predict a person's actions tomorrow is on their actions today. In other words, what you get today is what you are going to get tomorrow.

I often consult with someone for marriage counselling who says: "I knew he had these bad habits but I thought I could change him. I thought once we were married and had children, he would be different".

Wrong.

Does this mean people will never change?

No. People will change so long as there is a need for them to change.

They will change for two basics reasons:
(i) there is pleasure to be gained in making the change, or
(ii) they will be worse off or suffer pain if they don't change.

I am committed to being the best I can so am regularly looking for new ways to help myself and others. The pleasure I gain from making the change is so good I am happy to do it.

On the other hand, back in my "darker days", when a relationship was failing I would do anything just to pacify my partner. I made any changes she wanted because I didn't want to experience the pain of rejection. I reached a point after many rejections and hitting rock bottom where I changed the way I thought and the way I did things to avoid any more pain.

As Julie will testify, I am a lot different today to what I was 10 years ago.

The past does not have to equal the future.

You can change - if you want to.

Be committed to constantly improving the person you are.

If you are having trouble with changing, please get in contact with us.

Why Won’t You Talk To Me?

I often hear one family member ask another family member this question.

It may be a parent speaking to a child or a spouse speaking with their partner. One person is looking for answers while the other is reluctant to speak. The result is often frustration for both. The person asking the questions is not getting any answers while the person being asked the questions thinks they are being pressured to talk. This person then withdraws, making it even more frustrating for the person asking the question.


How do you overcome this problem?
1. Identify it is important to communicate. Good communication gives understanding which in turn gives peace of mind.

Communication allows you to share ideas and experiences, to sort out problems and to make others aware of what you think and what you are doing.

Without good communication, your relationship with others becomes difficult.

2. Do you have the skills to be able to communicate? I often consult with people who say “I have never been taught how to say what I feel or what I am thinking”.

If you don’t know how to communicate, learn the necessary skills. Some key skills are to be able to say what you are thinking in a nice way and to be able to LISTEN. This means giving the speaker your whole attention and processing what they are saying.

Your body language will soon let the speaker know whether you are listening. Watching television while someone is speaking is not listening – to them!!

3. Is there something stopping you from communicating? The most common blockage is fear.

This can be fear of:
- Saying the wrong thing,
- How others will perceive what you say,
- Being ridiculed,
- Being put down,
- Not being listened to,
- Your opinion is not valued – so why say anything.


I was working with a married couple. She complained her husband never had an opinion and wouldn’t say what was on his mind. When I asked him for his take on things, he began to tell me his side of the story.

She immediately interjected with “That’s not right” and proceeded to tell me what was right. Every time he spoke, she overpowered him. He had learnt it was easier to say nothing than to say something and be screamed down.

If you want people to say what they feel, give them the space to do so without casting judgement. We learn quickly what gives us pleasure and what creates pain. People will only communicate if there is pleasure to be gained.

Children (and adults) will not tell the truth or say anything if they feel they are going to get into trouble or if what they say is going to be used against them.

How are your communication skills?

Do you let others have their say or are you constantly interrupting, overpowering or judging them?

Do you listen effectively or are you often preoccupied with your thoughts or what is going on around you?